I think *someone* needs a New Year cleanse.

2 Jan

I closed out 2011 by hitting a vinyasa yoga class Saturday morning before Alan and I left for our mini-getaway. Man, am I glad I did: it’s not every day your yoga instructor is drunk.

At least, I assume she was still buzzing from the night before. That’s actually giving her the benefit of the doubt. Otherwise, I’m not sure how I’d explain this class to a first-time yogi…

She walked in and said, “So. Wow. It’s New Year’s Eve. Well, not eve. But New Year’s Day Eve. Eve Day. You know what I mean, right?”

People were giggling, but generally going with her. Then she began her soliloquy.

“So the new year is a great time for reflection. And introspection. There are milestones and this is a big milestone. I mean, it’s a WHOLE NEW YEAR. Right? And how great is that? I don’t know about you, but I’m glad to see 2011 done. It was a weird year for me. Just really, really weird. Man, I hope 2012 is better. Because this is a time to reflect about what we want. And I want a better year. And we are all humans, and our energy joins together and if we raise it up… I’m getting choked up! I’m choking on my words!”

I wish I could tell you I took artistic license with that quote in the interest of humor. But I didn’t. That’s more or less what she said, though I think my version is less rambling than the actual speech. I’m pretty sure this is why yoga gets a bad rap.

And for the two people who weren’t smirking after this babble-fest, she took it up a notch. “I mean, a new year is a big deal. But this year? Not to be freaky or anything, but it’s 2012. You know: 2012! The world might be ending! Dom-dom-dom! Seriously, I quit my job because I was like, ‘If the world really DOES end in 2012, I want to LIVE now. Pretty intense, right?”

(c) FullChordPress - by Tim Garrett (www.fullchordpress.com)

After she “re-centered” herself, she continued. “So I had a whole lesson planned for this morning’s class, but I got an email on my way here from another yogi who teaches at another studio across town with 20 questions for reflection. So I thought it would be good to read these to you so you can meditate on them during today’s practice.”

She then went on to read all 20 questions rapid-fire. I barely had time to process one question before she moved on to the next. The only one I was able to fully digest was, “What was a source of unexpected joy in your life this year?” And reason I retained that one is because she paused and said, “Right? Like my sister had a baby this year. And that was totally unexpected. Huge surprise. Huge.”

Much like that yoga class. Unexpected joy, though probably for the wrong reasons.

Call me Nostradamus, but I think it’s safe to predict what her biggest source of unexpected joy will be  2012: waking up to realize the world didn’t end. In fact, I’ll go one further. Biggest lesson learned in 2012? Not to max out her credit cards based on the Mayan calendar.

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11 Responses to “I think *someone* needs a New Year cleanse.”

  1. thesinglecell January 2, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    If she wasn’t drunk, she was high. Call me crazy, but this does not sound the slightest bit relaxing. Credit to you for A) not laughing out loud at her, and 2) staying for her “zen” teachings.

    • pithypants January 3, 2012 at 8:02 pm #

      Can’t say I worked out. I think I just sat on my mat, mouth agape, and watched the class like it was a tennis match: looking to her for the commentary, the class for the reaction.

  2. societyred January 3, 2012 at 11:06 am #

    Hilarious!

  3. lexy3587 January 3, 2012 at 11:44 am #

    That’s Awesome!
    My yoga instructor told us that we should show up for next sunday’s class because there will be a guest instructor, and, according to some of the ladies (but not her??), he’s hot. And, for those not interested in that aspect, his wife will be attending the class, and she was Miss… something Canadian… niagara falls? maybe. (no, I didn’t forget… she did), so, you know… yoga – next sunday. Be there. But that was considerably less rambling and odd than your yoga instructor.
    also, that video was hilarious!

    • pithypants January 3, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

      I hope you went to that class and took a picture. Because now I’m dying to know what a “hot” male yoga instructor looks like. And what kind of talent it takes to be named Miss Niagra Falls.

  4. Alicia January 3, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    Is this the instructor who reminds you of Brittany from Glee?

    • pithypants January 3, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

      It wasn’t, but her name was ALSO Britany, so I’m thinking it goes with the turf.

  5. allenavw January 3, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

    I once had a yoga teacher describe to us how we should visualize a big hole in our stomachs and a great golden rope/chain going through us and down into the layers of the earth, straight to the very core of the planet. And to imagine that this chain was holding us down to the earth.

    I think she was high.

  6. Lorna's Voice January 4, 2012 at 7:32 am #

    I heard if you really practice yoga seriously, you enter a different dimension of consciousness. What you describe is taking this a bit too far. Too much taking and not enough downward dog. But great stuff for a blog!

  7. Curly Carly January 8, 2012 at 10:08 am #

    This year, I’m thankful for freaks like her for providing such amazing blog material.

    • pithypants January 14, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

      Good point. Gratitude is an attitude, they say.

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