Wart: that’s such an ugly word.

21 Dec

Wart = Bad. Warthog = Better. Proof that bacon makes everything better.

Monday, for the first time in a long time, I headed to the pool to swim some laps. I’m pretty sure I pulled or tore a muscle in my shoulder at yoga last Thursday, so I was viewing the pool as “physical therapy” without a co-pay.

Unfortunately, I’m slightly out of practice, so when I got there I realized I hadn’t brought flipflops. Might seem like a minor detail, but when you’re swimming at an old public inner-city pool (that smells more like urine than chlorine), flipflops are actually clutch.

I sat down on the lockerroom bench and emptied my bag out, hoping that somehow, a microscopic/expandable flipflop was hidden in there. Even if there was just one – I was willing to hop. No dice. So I had to make a decision: walk the bare floor anyway, for the sake of a workout (aka physical therapy), or throw in the towel and return home?

Actually, lava would be preferable.

I decided to go for it. And as soon as I put my foot on the nasty tile floor, I swear I could feel plantar wart spores attaching themselves to the ball of my foot, much like how parasitic worms burrow through skin in Third World countries. Ack! 

When you think microbes are leeching onto you, you can’t help but look odd. And I did.

I came bursting out of the locker room like my ass was on fire and canonballed into the water faster than a fourth grader, but the real oddity came after showering, when I stood on the bench (as opposed to the floor) to dry off and get dressed. Which might not seem that weird until you realize that I was essentially putting my naked lady-parts directly at eye-level with everyone else in the locker room.

Even more awkward? In an attempt to explain why I was playing “The Floor Is Lava,” to a fellow swimmer, I pointed down and said, “I don’t want to get warts.” Only to realize that it might not have been clear that I was pointing at my feet.

I think I’ll stick with yoga.

21 Responses to “Wart: that’s such an ugly word.”

  1. skippingstones December 21, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

    So you got in the shower barefoot, too? I’m sure it’ll be fine.

    Actually, I’m not sure. That’s just something we say to make each other feel better. Anyway, I think I’ll stop talking now.

    • pithypants December 22, 2011 at 8:43 am #

      Um… I’m holding a hacksaw and eyeing my feet like traitors now, thanks to you.

  2. Dorkahontas December 21, 2011 at 11:14 pm #

    Warts. Huh. What are they good for?

  3. Curly Carly December 22, 2011 at 1:43 am #

    Hilarious! I had to get a prescription for lady-part warts for a wart on my elbow once. Getting the prescription filled was humiliating enough, but was made 10 times worse when the pharmacist came over to consult with me over the proper use of the medicine. I practically screamed something to the effect of “ELBOW!! ELBOW!! It’s for my elbow!!” while pulling up my sleeve to show him the proof. He looked as if he were proud of me once he got my very blunt hint.

    • pithypants December 22, 2011 at 8:42 am #

      Ha! Reading this makes me want to go commandeer a pharmacy microphone and announce, “I need a price check on genital wart medicine.” Just for kicks.

  4. flooded66 December 22, 2011 at 10:14 am #

    You have pretty much described how I act when I check in to a questionable hotel and I see my 7 year old try to a) walk on the carpet with bare feet and b) roll around on the ‘bedspread’. I freak! As soon as I go into a hotel I make sure to strip the bedspreads off and shove them to the side and we MUST have slippers or wear our shoes…even while sleeping. Okay, maybe not while sleeping…

  5. lexy3587 December 22, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    I swam at some pretty grungy pools back when I was at the pool every day for the overload of pool-related activities I was involved in (my hair was like straw for all of highschool… terrible)… I never got warts, and I was lazy about wearing flipflops and rarely bothered. I dunno… you might be safe.

    • pithypants December 24, 2011 at 11:44 am #

      Lexy – I think that’s why I *am* paranoid. I swam/dove all through school and spent many hours at the podiatrist, having warts cut off. Nasty.

  6. allenavw December 22, 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    Ugh, I can feel it too! Those floors just feel like disease. And hells yes, I ALWAYS stand on the bench. I really feel like I need to wash my feet now, just from reading this.

    • pithypants December 24, 2011 at 11:43 am #

      How does that play out in a men’s lockerroom?

  7. Alicia December 22, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    tee hee. BTW, what has two thumbs and never wears flip flops in the locker room? That’s right.

    • pithypants December 24, 2011 at 11:42 am #

      Remind me not to walk around your house barefoot.

  8. Lorna's Voice December 22, 2011 at 4:50 pm #

    Don’t you hate it when your efforts at staying healthy get you sick? Is it older age or just bad luck? 😉 Same thing has been happening to me!

    • pithypants December 24, 2011 at 11:41 am #

      I think there’s a scientific curve that illustrates this principle.

  9. whatimeant2say December 23, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    Haha! I love it that I’m not the only phobic person in this world!

  10. squirrel circus December 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

    I can totally envision the time-lapse film of the spores latching on, entering your foot, and then multiplying in like a nanosecond. It’s not pretty. Happy Holidays!!! 😉

    • pithypants December 24, 2011 at 11:40 am #

      Am I over-reacting if I preemptively apply Dr. Scholl’s wart remover pads to my foot?

  11. k8edid December 24, 2011 at 7:29 am #

    When I go to the pool I have 4 pairs of footwear. My slip on shoes that I kick off when I get there so I can go immediately into the pool (I wear my swimsuit with a cover up), my water shoes (I do waterjogging instead of swimming – bad shoulder and terrible swimmer’s ear problems), my flip flops for any moment spent anywhere near the locker room, and the shoes I will wear to work. I take an extra towel to stand on while drying off. I have a whole ritual of packing my swim bag with all the shoes, clothes, towels, beauty supplies (HA) and leave the house looking like a bag lady on vacation. My pool is in a county park facility, is fairly new, and the pool itself is lovely. The locker room is a nightmare – with the occasional palmetto bug the size of my hand, shower stall walls covered with enough hair to make wigs for every cancer patient in the county, and is usually filled with high school swim team members (yes!, perky annoying TEENAGERS) in various stages of undress (sans flip flops), making me feel like a wrinkled, germaphobic, plantar-wart-fearing dinorsaur.

    As I read that to myself I am wondering why I think I enjoy going most mornings…

    • pithypants December 24, 2011 at 11:40 am #

      Wow. Do you have to take two locks with you? Sounds like you need a double-wide to store all your stuff.

  12. Richard Barney December 30, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

    Somehow, I have “scientifically” determined that I can get into “foot trouble” on tile but not on carpet. At the gym every morning I wear my flip flops whenever I’m on tile. However, I seem to not worry one little bit as I get undressed and dressed while barefoot on the carpet. Hmmmm. Do all bad foot germs magically drop through carpet fibers? I’m going to pretend that they do.

    • pithypants January 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

      Ewww. I don’t even want to think about what’s hiding in the carpet.

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