Clearly, I’ve seen too many movies.

10 Nov

Sunday, in the wake of the Oyster Festival, Urbanna was a different town. With only an occasional person on the street in comparison to the thousands from the previous day, it felt almost ghostly. Both Alan and I were mildly creeped out by it, which might explain why my brain gravitated toward paranoia.

The owners of the B&B were incredibly nice people, with an expansive sense of hospitality. They took a shine to Alan and me, so they offered to take us out on their boat Sunday afternoon.

The day was gorgeous – 70 degrees and sunny with a bright blue sky. The trees lining the river were vivid shades of red, orange and yellow. It was like being in a commercial for the Rappahannock River or – in keeping with my general paranoia – a horror movie.

So instead of simply relaxing and absorbing the scenery as we shuttled up the river, I started looking around nervously, imaging that they were taking us somewhere to kill us. Spotting a shovel on the deck, I envisioned our captain whacking Alan in the head with it, then pushing him overboard. The phrase “watery grave” danced in my head.

After we returned to the B&B (safely, I might add), I told Alan what I’d been thinking.

He laughed. “And what would their plan be with you after they killed me?”

“Human trafficking? Indentured servitude? Take your pick!” I was a bit indignant that he didn’t give me credit for having value to them. Alan just rolled his eyes.

So, before our next vacation, I have it all figured out. Depending on where we’re going, I’ll rent a few movies for him:

  • If we’re staying at a B&B again: Psycho 
  • Water-based vacation: Cape Fear
  • Writing/skiing retreat: The Shining
  • Iowa: Children of the Corn
  • Pennsylvania: Dracula (C’mon! It sounds kind of like Transylvania)
  • Camping: Blair Witch Project

Then we’ll see who’s laughing. And who’s holding a shovel.

13 Responses to “Clearly, I’ve seen too many movies.”

  1. Sonja November 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

    LOL, your mind works like mine! What was the movie with Kevin Bacon where he was a bad guy and wanted the family to take him down the river white water rafting? There’s another to rent!!

    • pithypants November 10, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

      The River Wild! I haven’t seen it, but if you think it can add to my paranoia, I’ll rent it tonight! Woo hoo!

      • thesinglecell November 10, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

        “The River Wild” is excellent, in a Kevin Bacon way. “Hellooo, the boat!” “Helloooo, the shore!” “Fatal Attraction” meets “Deliverance”. Do it.

  2. John November 10, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

    River Rafting: Deliverance

    • pithypants November 10, 2011 at 4:36 pm #

      I can’t believe I left out Deliverance! Good call. Especially since whenever we go camping, I find it funny to whistle a few bars of “Dueling Banjos” and tell Alan he sure has a mighty pretty mouth.

      • pithypants November 10, 2011 at 4:37 pm #

        For the record, I realize I am pushing my luck with that one. He’s awfully tolerant of me.

  3. philosophermouseofthehedge November 10, 2011 at 4:30 pm #

    Good list. Best be prepared!

  4. thesinglecell November 10, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    Don’t go to Frederick, Maryland, either. That’s where “Blair Witch” was filmed.

  5. Lorna's Voice November 10, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

    It’s always the people who seemed so sweet “they’d never hurt a fly” when the reporters interview the neighbors after the ax murders… At least the life jacket I hope you were wearing would have given you a fighting chance against whatever stabbing weapons the old psychos, um, nice folks had in mind for you. 😉

  6. skippingstones November 10, 2011 at 6:43 pm #

    So funny! I think you’re right, there’s just too much “entertainment” influence on our thinking, because I can totally see where you might be concerned. Strangers being nice to us? Not probable. Strangers being nice to us so they can get their jollies by bashing our heads in? More likely.

  7. squirrel circus November 10, 2011 at 8:16 pm #

    Very funny post. Nice to see I’m not the only one! I’m always wondering (in life), “is this the part of the movie right before everything goes horribly wrong?”

    • pithypants November 10, 2011 at 8:30 pm #

      Right? Like people would be screaming, “Don’t do it! Don’t get on that boat!” if I were in a movie. Alas…

  8. Anja@ November 11, 2011 at 4:03 am #

    Nice collection.of movies. Sometimes it’s not a bad Idea to follow your instincts and be more cautious – even though nothing seems to be wrong.

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