Kale, Gobstoppers and Gangstas: let’s just agree – it takes skill to weave those together.

15 Nov

I’m sitting in my living room, waiting for the kitchen timer to go off, signaling that my kale chips are ready.

That’s right, people, I said kale chips.

(As a side note, let me do a poll: is it just as effective when I say “people” instead of “bitches” like that? Because I like throwing around the word “bitches” for emphasis like I’m gangsta, but I worry that my blog might become a bit too ghetto, and one of my friends’ parents would read it and say, “Why, that Alison has such a MOUTH on her… really, it’s quite unnecessary how much she swears…” without realizing I’m not actually swearing, but being hip and clever. Talk amongst yourselves and report back.)

So back to my kale chips. Let’s start by defining what they are NOT. They are NOT cow chips, wow chips, chocolate chips, or chipwiches. In fact, they don’t actually resemble potato chips.

Did I mention they’re made of kale? But because they have been spritzed with olive oil, generously doused in salt and spices, and baked until crispy, it turns out they make a fine substitute for potato chips. Except with slightly more nutritional value. Seriously, if you doubt me, you must try them… comment and I’ll post the simple/quick recipe.

The only downside is that after you eat them you definitely need to do a tooth-check before venturing out in public because you’ve essentially thrown black/green/purple confetti in your mouth.

Ironically, while waiting for the kale to bake, I’ve consumed almost an entire family-sized box of Gobstoppers. Yesterday I wrote about my grey fleece winter uniform, but I failed to note one of its finest features: pockets. Seems simple, but it’s a game-changer. Pockets allow me to load up with candy and function as my own mobile Pez dispenser.

Sitting next to the fire reading a book when a sugar attack strikes? Simple – I reach in my pocket.

The problem is that I reach – and reach – and reach. And the next thing I know, my pockets are down to lint and I have a headache from all the sugar I’ve consumed. Maybe I need to stash healthy treats in my pockets instead… like kale chips?

Somewhat unrelated – I just googled “kale chips” to find an image of kale chips for this post (since I am too lazy to snap a photo of the ones roasting in my own oven, 15 steps away) and you know what I learned? Someone is so bat-shit crazy for kale they have a blog called “Lettuce Eat Kale.”

All she blogs about is kale and leafy greens. And it appears to be an actual individual, not some formal “Kale Association of Leafy Eaters” organizational blog. Can you believe that?

Even more unbelievable? Her vocabulary. She calls things that are expensive, “exxy” and refers to her town as Berzerkeley. (I’m pretty sure that if I’d read more, I would’ve found reference to her fine state of  “Kalefornia.”) Um. I’m pretty sure I can guess what she’d think of THIS post, bitches: Lettuce give thanks that she’ll probably never read it.

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5 Responses to “Kale, Gobstoppers and Gangstas: let’s just agree – it takes skill to weave those together.”

  1. Linda November 15, 2010 at 11:04 pm #

    Kale chips sound very interesting! May I have the recipe, please? 🙂

    • pithypants November 16, 2010 at 11:59 am #

      Ha! It’s super simple… just get fresh kale, wash it and make sure it’s very dry before you start. Then rip it into small pieces, discarding the center stem. Spread in a single layer on a cookie sheet. Spritz with olive oil. Salt/pepper to taste. Bake 10 minutes on 350 degrees. (Keep an eye on it – it can burn if your oven runs hot.) When done, the leaves should be crisp like paper. Some people sprinkle cheese seasoning on them before baking too.

  2. Alicia November 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm #

    a) Dude! She is totally going to read it. You linked to her. She will find you. She will blogroll you. Before you know it, you’ll be changing your name from PithyPants to PithyPlants.

    b) This whole post cracked me up, especially the phrasing of the confetti line (and underlying truthfulness).

    c) Grrl (notice I prefer faux sk8 punk to faux gangsta?), I am a fan of “People” not “bitches,” though your ironic use of the latter in this post was most funny. continues

    d) I, too, am lazy. So can you just MAKE some kale chips when you’re home for Christmas and I can decide if I like them that way rather than making them myself?

  3. Terese November 16, 2010 at 2:27 pm #

    Me loves some Willy Wonka! I can go through a whole box in one sitting. You’re my hero! Question? – Do you ever find food in your washing machine? Leftovers…

  4. pithypants November 17, 2010 at 9:13 am #

    Who knew that kale would evoke so many responses? Apparently Lettuce Eat Kale is onto something.

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