Kale, Gobstoppers and Gangstas: let’s just agree – it takes skill to weave those together.

I’m sitting in my living room, waiting for the kitchen timer to go off, signaling that my kale chips are ready.

That’s right, people, I said kale chips.

(As a side note, let me do a poll: is it just as effective when I say “people” instead of “bitches” like that? Because I like throwing around the word “bitches” for emphasis like I’m gangsta, but I worry that my blog might become a bit too ghetto, and one of my friends’ parents would read it and say, “Why, that Alison has such a MOUTH on her… really, it’s quite unnecessary how much she swears…” without realizing I’m not actually swearing, but being hip and clever. Talk amongst yourselves and report back.)

So back to my kale chips. Let’s start by defining what they are NOT. They are NOT cow chips, wow chips, chocolate chips, or chipwiches. In fact, they don’t actually resemble potato chips.

Did I mention they’re made of kale? But because they have been spritzed with olive oil, generously doused in salt and spices, and baked until crispy, it turns out they make a fine substitute for potato chips. Except with slightly more nutritional value. Seriously, if you doubt me, you must try them… comment and I’ll post the simple/quick recipe.

The only downside is that after you eat them you definitely need to do a tooth-check before venturing out in public because you’ve essentially thrown black/green/purple confetti in your mouth.

Ironically, while waiting for the kale to bake, I’ve consumed almost an entire family-sized box of Gobstoppers. Yesterday I wrote about my grey fleece winter uniform, but I failed to note one of its finest features: pockets. Seems simple, but it’s a game-changer. Pockets allow me to load up with candy and function as my own mobile Pez dispenser.

Sitting next to the fire reading a book when a sugar attack strikes? Simple – I reach in my pocket.

The problem is that I reach – and reach – and reach. And the next thing I know, my pockets are down to lint and I have a headache from all the sugar I’ve consumed. Maybe I need to stash healthy treats in my pockets instead… like kale chips?

Somewhat unrelated – I just googled “kale chips” to find an image of kale chips for this post (since I am too lazy to snap a photo of the ones roasting in my own oven, 15 steps away) and you know what I learned? Someone is so bat-shit crazy for kale they have a blog called “Lettuce Eat Kale.”

All she blogs about is kale and leafy greens. And it appears to be an actual individual, not some formal “Kale Association of Leafy Eaters” organizational blog. Can you believe that?

Even more unbelievable? Her vocabulary. She calls things that are expensive, “exxy” and refers to her town as Berzerkeley. (I’m pretty sure that if I’d read more, I would’ve found reference to her fine state of  “Kalefornia.”) Um. I’m pretty sure I can guess what she’d think of THIS post, bitches: Lettuce give thanks that she’ll probably never read it.

Tags: fleece, gangsta talk, gobstoppers, kale