Archive | June, 2010

Stream of Consciousness: The Dentist

4 Jun

I went to the dentist this week. Let’s just agree that there is nothing but pain and humor that comes from a trip to the dentist.

So let’s start with my mental conversation with the hygienist:

Hygienist: Wow. Your gums sure bleed easily.

Me(ntally): Please do not lecture me about flossing.

Hygienist: Do you floss regularly?

Me: <Ambiguous head roll combined with wink and gurgle>

Hygienist: So maybe you could try to floss more. Or use a Sonicare toothbrush.

Me: <Silence>

Hygienist: I love my Sonicare. Everyone in my family uses it. There’s even a compartment where you can sterilize your brush heads so that if mulitiple people use it you know there aren’t germs.

Me(ntally): Fascinating. Aren’t you all still sticking the same nasty wand in your mouths? Gross.

Hygienist: In fact, I’ve actually given it as a gift before – for graduations or birthdays.

Me(ntally): That must be a hit. Seriously – have you been invited to any follow-up parties? Do people give you floss for Christmas? L-A-M-E.

Hygienist: You know, we sell the high-end Sonicare brush for $50 less than Costco. They charge $179 plus tax and we only charge $129 with no tax.

Me(ntally): Do you get kick-backs? Who is paying you to talk this much about a f*cking toothbrush?

Hygienist: It’s funny how people don’t like flossing.

Me(ntally): Funny “ha ha” or funny weird? Or actually not funny at all? Because we all know flossing sucks, right?

Hygienist: It’s amazing how much your gums are bleeding!

Me(ntally): Actually, it’s amazing that you’re treating that floss like razor wire and trying to deliberately slice my gums. Who – in the name of God – actually flosses like this!?

To be continued…

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Life is Precious.

3 Jun

So this is going to be less pithy and more serious than usual. A friend of mine from college died Tuesday.

I first met Jay Jones through my friend Todd. In college I worked at a sports bar called Tripper’s, where everyone who worked there worked together and partied together. Todd was one of only a handful of guys who worked there (did I mention it was a sports bar and that the waitresses wore spandex shorts, baseball jerseys and sports bras?) and although I suspect he liked the male:female ratio, he thought his friend Jay would be a nice addition to the crew.

Jay worked at another restaurant – something with fewer drinks and more sit-down dining – and Todd slowly began to pull him into the fold. First it was inviting him along for an after-hours drink at The Roadhouse Pub, then it was taking him golfing with Scott, Matt and Joe (hosts at Tripper’s), and the next thing we knew, Jay was a server working along with us. As was a pretty and sweet girl named Amy, who who went on to fall in love with Jay, marry him and have three kids with him.

Continue reading →

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Definition: Occam’s Razor

1 Jun

I can’t believe I didn’t think of this yesterday when I did my whole “I am retarded and disassembled my dishwasher only to find it was a Tupperware lid causing the problem, not a broken dishwasher” post. I should’ve tried to offset my low IQ by offering a vocabulary (or covabulary, as I just typed it) lesson.

So here it is, in a cheap attempt to regain my intellectual standing….

For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, the term (loosely) means, “The simplest solution is usually the correct one.”

The good news is, I’m not the only person who routinely battles over-complication. If there’s any truth to Alan’s post, then he might be a gold medalist. It makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one

Anyway. This public service announcement is brought to you by the letter “Dumb” and the number “Ass.” And yes, you probably already knew this term so it has done nothing to cancel my Blond Moment yesterday.

Grrr.

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A List: Sadly, this is how people find me…

1 Jun

Something I enjoy about blogging (almost as much as the writing itself) is the information I can access behind the scenes – like statistics about how many visitors I’ve had, which posts have been read the most, and – perhaps most curiously – which search engine terms have led people to my blog. Here are a few of those search terms that stood out to me, categorized for your viewing pleasure…

Bathroom Humor

OK. Based on these terms (and the fact that the majority of searches that led people to my site were tied to toilet humor) I’m thinking that I might need to lay off the teenage bathroom humor and shore up a more respectable reputation:

  • may cause anal leakage
  • wise fart quotes
  • feek and destroy (Seriously – I can’t believe someone strung this together.)
  • what is a slogan with the word flush in it
  • slogans to get people to flush the toilet (Sounds like someone has a bad work bathroom.)

Non-Sequitors

For most of these terms, I had to do a bit of a head-scratcher to figure out which posts they even led people to.

  • how much do the dancers make on dancing (Do we think there’s a sixteen year old out there contemplating a summer job at Deja Vu?)
  • cockroach tomato (I’m going to skip dinner at *their* house.)
  • person with sucker on forehead (I would love it if this person were actually looking for an image of someone with a lollipop on their face.)

Potential Fetishes?

So for these, the most plausible explanation is that the searchers using these terms have fetishes of some sort. Because otherwise, I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone would search for these terms together:

  • lady sits tub of milk
  • squirting moving clips
  • girls pre panties
  • only pissy

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