Is nothing sacred? Actually, it reminds me a of a bar joke I once heard…

So I know I shouldn’t go here, but this is just WAY TOO RICH  to pass up. (Forgive the pun.)

As part of my annual physical, my doctor ordered a stool test. Yes folks, this is where I’m headed. Spoiler alert: I haven’t yet taken said test, so there will be no details in this post about the actual specimen itself. (Breathe a sigh of relief.)

You might be asking yourself, “Wait. Why hasn’t she taken this test yet? I would think one would get it over with as fast as humanly possible.” Well, you would be correct. Until you realize that my doctor announced the test very casually at my appointment, then handed me a cup as I headed to the bathroom for a urine screen.

HOLD UP. Seriously? Can anyone out there poop on command? Especially when it’s sprung on you with absolutely no warning?

So clearly I told him to pound sand. And that’s how I ended up walking home with a “home testing kit” consisting of a paper cup, a pair of gloves and three plastic tubes, wishing I HAD been able to perform on the spot. I’m generally not a procrastinator, but I’ve had this kit for over a week now without opening it. I finally forced myself to read the instruction pamphlet last night, and it was pure humor.

Among the instructions: “Do NOT defecate directly into the collection tube.” I snorted when I read that because the collection tube looks like a standard sand timer from a board game. Is there a person in the world who would be ABLE to crap precisely into something that size and shape? If so, I think Ripley’s Believe It Or Not has the makings for a new episode.

So there it is. That’s what’s awaiting me in coming days (whenever I can work up the courage). Good times. (Don’t you feel better about your weekend plans now?)

In fact, tomorrow in the office when anyone asks what I’m up to this weekend, I’ll say, “Nothing much. Just having a few drinks.

Then after a pause – because I won’t be able to help myself – I’ll add, “Why? Any interest in pulling up a stool with me?”

Tags: Bathroom Humor, doctors, poop, specimen