This might cross a line. Or bite me in the ass.

22 Apr

I wasn’t raised Catholic, but having been in real estate, I’m all too familiar with St. Joseph.

If you don’t know who he is then you’re either a) not Catholic or b) haven’t tried to sell a home.

Based on my sources, I understand he’s the patron saint of families and homes. And he has developed one awesome cottage industry for himself and the Church.

So the deal is, people who believe in the power of saints will dig a hole and bury a St. Joseph statue (upside down) in their yard to ensure a happy and easy sale. My ex-boyfriend did it when he sold his place (courtesy of his sister, who took her Catholicism more seriously than he did) and after two months on the market without a nibble – he got an offer two weeks after making Joseph dirt dive. Try to tell me he’s not magical!

Anyway, it clearly slipped my mind when listing my place, despite the fact that I’d seen numerous clients dig Joseph out of the ground on settlement day. (Is it remotely appropriate to make a “He is risen” reference when you’re talking about the father of Jesus?)

Anyway – now I’m paranoid. I still have one week of inspections and three weeks of finance contingencies to navigate through before I’ll (hopefully) make it to settlement. I’m wishing I had an ace up my sleeve to ensure the process advances smoothly. What would happen if I belatedly buried Joseph in front of my building?

This just in: As I was writing this post (coincidence?) my agent called with a counter on the place I have made an offer on today. I feel like that’s some sign from the universe, but – like a seeing person trying to read Braille – I have no idea what it means. To hedge bets, I’m thinking that I’ll order the “realtor” pack of St. Joseph statues (oh yes, they have them!) and bury one upside-down in my yard and one right-side up in the yard of the place I want to buy to ward off any other buyers?

Or maybe I’ll get a bunch of G.I. Joe action figures and stick them in the dirt to form a strong perimeter around the place I’d like to buy? Or – maybe most effectively? – I’ll yank the heads off a bunch of Barbie dolls and put them on skewers along the sidewalk leading to the place I have my eye on, convincing other potential buyers that the owner is straight-up crazy?

I need to sleep on that one. In the meantime, I’ll be looking for a rainbow with a leprechaun sitting on a pot of gold to help me finance the whole thing. Because that’s my finance contingency. Sigh.

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