For what it’s worth, I did NOT end up submitting this comment. But for some reason it gave me a massive dose of giggles.
Tag Archives: humor
A rose by any other name wouldn’t smell like Franco.
28 FebI just got home from the hospital (third time in two weeks – does that earn me a free visit next time?) because my left calf did its whole “swell to the size of your thigh” trick again as I left work. (More on that later – both the crazy ass people I met at the hospital and the diagnosis. In a nutshell: I’m fine but my veins are lazy.)
Anyway, because I was eager to put the hospital behind me quickly, one of the first things I did was check my blog traffic. And in addition to the regular hits, do you know what? I’ve had four search engine hits direct people to my blog because my pre-Oscar post referred to the hosts as Anne Hathaway and James DeFranco. Apparently, the name is James Franco. And yet, not one, but FOUR individual jackasses looked for James DeFranco.
I suppose this justifies kids owning cell phones.
24 FebWhen I was in second grade, a McDonald’s opened in my small, five-stoplight midwestern town. It was a pretty big deal, so pretty much the entire town’s population – including my mom, my seventh grade sister and me – turned up for the grand opening.
Middle school is not the time when you want your little sister clinging around, so Alicia did her best to ditch me and hang with her friends as soon as we entered the restaurant. My mom had other plans, however, so after securing our tray of food, she seated us at a table next to where my sister sat with her friends.
Alicia tried to ignore me. I tried to pretend I was part of her table. My mom tried to mediate, making us each a bit more accommodating of the other.
And then I went to the bathroom.
Why I will never be a comedian.
21 FebYesterday I thought of something while I was walking that seemed blog-worthy, even though it was just a sentence. I can’t remember it now, but at the time, I thought it was hi-larious.
So hilarious that it occurred to me to start a “stand-up” category where I could test one-liners as if I were a comedian. Almost as soon as I had that thought, I cringed at myself, realizing that no one – and I mean NO ONE – is funny enough to “test” their material for a non-existent stand-up routine on a non-existent audience.
Try not to get jealous of these awesome product ideas.
2 FebNot sure how the topic came up, but at book club last night we had a rather vivid discussion of camel toe. If you’re the only person in America who doesn’t know what camel toe is, for your edification: it’s when a woman’s pants are hiked up so they reveal the detailed terrain of her crotch. It looks like a camel toe; hence the name.
I can’t quite bring myself to insert a photo of camel toe here, but if you’re still not getting it, I recommend doing a Google image search on the word. The results are spot-on.
Anyway, once we were on the topic, one of the girls mentioned that they actually sell gym clothes that are reinforced in the crotch area to prevent camel toe at the gym. That prompted a whole discussion of a line of feminine apparel products we could brand.
First would be a female cup intended to keep that area looking like a Barbie. We would call that one “Camel-No.”
Second would be pads that keep your nipples from popping through your clothes (since bras don’t always provide enough coverage). These would be called, “Nipp-ins.”
Finally, although we’re not sure of anyone who is embarrassed by the contours of their belly button showing through their tops, we thought it was a good way to round out the collection. The belly button patch would be named, the “Belly butt-off.”
Oh, you might roll your eyes, but I bet the girl that invented Spanx got the same reaction. And she’s now a bazillionaire.
Besides, you’re probably just a wee bit jealous. I mean, while your book club devotes hours to dissecting “Jane Eyre,” mine is discussing camel toe and new business ideas.
I think we all know which club is more interesting.
