Why I will never be a comedian.

21 Feb

Yesterday I thought of something while I was walking that seemed blog-worthy, even though it was just a sentence. I can’t remember it now, but at the time, I thought it was hi-larious.

So hilarious that it occurred to me to start a “stand-up” category where I could test one-liners as if I were a comedian. Almost as soon as I had that thought, I cringed at myself, realizing that no one – and I mean  NO ONE – is funny enough to “test” their material for a non-existent stand-up routine on a non-existent audience.

In fact, even real comedians probably shouldn’t test their stuff on real audiences. I remember a few years back, I went to see Mitch Hedberg perform at the Improv in DC.  He put on a great show, and when he was done, the emcee came out and said, “Hey folks. Don’t pay your tabs just yet. We have a surprise for you! We have a special guest who just dropped by to test some new material on you…. let’s give a warm welcome to CHRIS ROCK!!!”

The audience went bananas and everyone exchanged looks like, “Holy shit! Can you believe this? We just collectively won the lottery!”

But then as Chris started to test his material, the shared looks among the audience members were kind of like, “OK. Let’s do the math here. How big was that Lotto jackpot we just won? And we have to split it? Ummm… with taxes it’s probably easier if I just forfeit my bit. All you.”

Yep. It might be that he was following someone awesome, or it might be that new jokes are kind of like newborns (generally ugly unless they’re cut from your stomach because they’re too big to come out any other way). Whatever the case, I heard someone sum it up perfectly as we left. “Chris Rock was an awesome surprise. They should’ve just had us leave as soon as he took the stage.”

And that’s why you’ll never see a “stand-up” category on this blog: Because really, I think only professionals should attempt to go there. And also because most of my jokes are about farts.

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3 Responses to “Why I will never be a comedian.”

  1. Paul February 22, 2011 at 10:16 am #

    Jokes about fartrs are not bad. In fact, they can be hilarious … which, come to think about it, almost rhymes with gas.

    • pithypants February 22, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

      But only if you pronounce it hilaree-ass.

  2. Judson February 24, 2011 at 8:33 am #

    Wow you got to see Mitch before he died? So jealous…

    I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you are flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

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