Tag Archives: funny

I didn’t know walking a dog could be ironic.

5 Mar

I’m dogsitting again. For those who don’t know, I love animals but have commitment issues, so I don’t own one. That, and I travel a lot for work, so it’s not exactly practical.

This is the Wonder Dog (aka “Shadow”) who is my friend while her parents are vacationing:

Yes, she’s as awesome as she looks. Except she’s getting up there in years, so her walks have diminished significantly since I first met her 5+ years ago. She used to easily handle an hour power walk, but now we’re lucky if she goes 20 minutes at a decent clip.

She’s been especially pokey and lethargic this week, so I was considering it an accomplishment if we could circle my (very small) block. Then Alan showed up.

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I suppose this justifies kids owning cell phones.

24 Feb

When I was in second grade, a McDonald’s opened in my small, five-stoplight midwestern town. It was a pretty big deal, so pretty much the entire town’s population – including my mom, my seventh grade sister and me – turned up for the grand opening.

Middle school is not the time when you want your little sister clinging around, so Alicia did her best to ditch me and hang with her friends as soon as we entered the restaurant. My mom had other plans, however, so after securing our tray of food, she seated us at a table next to where my sister sat with her friends.

Alicia tried to ignore me. I tried to pretend I was part of her table. My mom tried to mediate, making us each a bit more accommodating of the other.

And then I went to the bathroom.

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His name was Ringo. Woof.

23 Feb

Last week I was reminded of WHY I love living in DC: we occasionally get a random 75 degree day in the middle of winter. (Sorry, Michigan friends, it’s true. In some places there are NOT six full months of winter!)

Anyway, I’m a sucker for an unseasonably warm day, so Alan and hoofed it to the dog park to see if we could touch other people’s animals. Because I’m OCD and travel a lot I don’t actually have a dog, but I love them, so this is my happy compromise.

The dog park was packed with canines and owners alike purging their cabin fever (not to be confused with Bieber Fever – it wasn’t overtaken but screaming girls) so it was a perfect night for pooch watching. Continue reading →

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I’ve got your TPS report right here.

18 Feb

At work a few weeks back, we were discussing creating a document where we store data that multiple people needed to access for responding to RFPs. My colleague – who sometimes mixes up words – ran with the idea, suggesting we create a central suppository.

I almost fell off my chair at the time, but in retrospect, I think there’s something clever about it. At least it would be more polite to direct someone to a “central suppository” instead of telling them directly to shove it up their ass.

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Another reason I love the internet…

22 Nov

A few years ago, my sister visited me in DC and brought my two nephews. While she was here, she made arrangements to meet up with one of her friends for lunch, so I took the boys to the zoo to entertain them. I’d forgotten about this, until I stumbled upon what must be one of the most priceless photos on the internet. (Wait for it…)

Let me set the stage: the day I took my nephews to the National Zoo, it was hosting the Black Family Reunion, so it was fairly crowded. As we walked past the exhibits, nothing really held my nephews’ attention: until we walked past the horses. “Look!” James pointed, “That horse is totally pooping!”

As I followed his arm, I noticed  that an unusual number of people were lining the fence, staring in the same direction, with incredulous looks on their faces. And that’s when I saw it: the stallion had a full erection that was swinging side to side, only inches above the ground, like a metal detector scanning for coins.

My other nephew saw it and yelled, “Gross!” Then, “Wait! It looks like he’s pulling the poop back up inside him!”

As I was receiving this play by play, I could hear the other guests around me, shouting things like, “He needs him a lady!” and, “Oh no he didn’t! No he didn’t!”

It was about that time I began tugging my nephews’ arms in earnest. “Let’s get out of here,” I said, “That’s nasty!” and they eventually began walking again. I got the giggles, thinking how I’d tell my sister that our trip to the zoo ended up with the boys being exposed to an 18″ horse penis.

But then I found this photo on the internet, and it made me realize that THESE GUYS probably have the best story anyone can ever introduce at a cocktail party:

That kid about to fall of the back? His teacher will definitely regret assigning the old "What I Did on Summer Vacation" essay.

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