Let me test my hypothesis…

17 Apr

Today has been a hellish day in the world of a home seller. I had insomnia last night and wanted to do little more than writhe around in my bed and nap intermittently today. But NO. Agents were slated to show my place from 11am – 3:30pm, so I had to make myself scarce.

I busied myself with yoga, grocery shopping and people-watching in the Circle, counting the minutes until 3:30 when I could get home, crawl in bed and take a fat nap. Just as I walked through my door at 3:45, my phone rang. It was an agent asking to show my place between 4-6pm.

Trying to NOT be bitchy, I asked if she could be a BIT more specific because I really would like to take a nap. Alas, she could not, so I gave her a nod to come by between 4-6pm.

The thing is, it’s now 6:30pm and she STILL hasn’t been here. Now I’m triple pissed because I could’ve taken not only a nap, but also a bath. And Murphy’s Law dictates that if I were to try to slip into the tub now, I would almost immediately hear a key in my door.

Let’s give it a shot. We’ll see if a tub filled with hot water conjures an agent like a ouiji board conjures spirits.

This 1968 ouiji board ad clearly sports a trick question. A model or a fashion designer? Well, let's see - you're already appearing in an advertisement, so what do YOU think the answer is? Oh, but can you tell me if that realtor will ever show up?

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If only you would do what I tell you…

16 Apr

Some people call me bossy. (You know who you are.) Maybe they’re right.

This is *exactly* what I looked like.

Today I was standing in Thomas Circle trying to cross traffic when I heard sirens blaring. An ambulance was bearing down on the circle, hellbent for leather, and the traffic was gridlocked. The ambulance driver tried to pull a slick trick and bypass traffic to get to an inner-lane of the circle, but ended up stuck, with only his horn to lean on.

Fewer than 20% of cars in the District are tagged with DC plates on a weekday, so there’s a solid 80% of drivers who (presumably) crap their pants when faced with a traffic circle. Even savvy DC drivers sometimes go slack when faced with navigating a circle, what with its flashing arrows and tricky yield signs. Add in a frenzied ambulance and expect IQs to plumment as  otherwise intelligent people to freeze in terror.

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A rose by any other name… might smell like kielbasa?

15 Apr

So we all know people with unfortunate name combinations…. just start a conversation about someone you know whose name is Rose Budd (nee Bush) and inevitably, you’ll start hearing about other ironic pairings.

Last night at book club this very topic came up and I found myself talking about a girl I went to elementary school with, who – in the interest of anonymity – we’ll call Krista Hiney. (This isn’t her real last name, but it’s a close parallel, especially on the Hiney part.)

Her last name wasn’t just unfortunate, but something of a self-fulfilling prophecy: in fourth grade she crapped her pants during quiet reading time. Except instead of wearing pants, she was actually wearing a dress, so she had to be pushed out of the classroom while still seated in her chair because she was scared her underwear would fall down when she stood up.

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Who doesn’t love a knock-knock joke?

14 Apr

This weekend we saw Kristen Schaal at the Arlington Cinema & Drafthouse (ACDH). If you don’t know who I’m talking about, she has a recurring role on “Flight of the Conchords” and is even funnier as a stand-up comedian. Want a taste? This clip doesn’t do her justice, but it’s better than nothing:

Until a few months ago, I hadn’t realized that the ACDH had anything other than movies. Turns out, it’s a great place to see stand-up. The first show we saw there together was Gallagher, which was, um,  eye-opening.

Talk about a has-been… here’s a guy who – at his prime – sold out major venues just for smashing watermelons. Yet when we saw him, he wasn’t able to fill even HALF of the ACDH. Before the show started, we saw him sitting near the bar scarfing down dinner, so Alan approached and asked for his autograph, which he gave graciously enough.

During the show, however, he bounced between topics with all the direction of a plinko chip and his interaction with the audience was almost hostile. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom and the entire time I was gone he engaged Alan in an uncomfortable conversation about our relationship. When I returned, his words to me were, “Dump this guy.” Not exactly the commentary we buy tickets to hear.

Last time I checked, the only places people go expecting to be insulted are Ed Debevic’s and the DMV.

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This is wrong on so many levels…

13 Apr

So my 12 year old nephew has a “Lover of the Day” application on his Facebook account. That, in and of itself, has disturbed me since I noticed it a couple months ago.

It begs a few questions:

First, do 12-year-olds have lovers? Lord, I hope not.

Second, if pre-teens do have lovers, is it good to get them thinking that it is appropriate to adopt a new one DAILY?

And finally, is it WISE to let an application automatically generate one’s “lover of the day?” There are all sorts of ways this random selection process can create screwy results, as demonstrated here:

Call me crazy, but unless you live in West Virginia, I don’t think that your aunt should be an option.

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