I hope the closet isn’t as hot as my office.

11 Oct

Today is Columbus Day. It’s also National Coming Out Day. I chose to celebrate the latter with my Facebook Status today, and one of my friends commented along the lines of, “Ah, Christopher? Was there something you wanted to tell us?”

To which I think the appropriate response is, “Duh. He goes by ‘Christopher’ and not Chris. What do YOU think he’s trying to tell us?”

Anyway. It’s a Federal Holiday, which means Yours Truly still had to work, because I’m one of five people inside the District limits NOT employed by the government.

(Which also means that I’m one of five people who doesn’t get every other Friday off for working more than 10 hours in a day. On the contrary: know what I get as a reward for working four ten-hour days? A fifth ten-hour day! Actually, I don’t mind, but I rarely have sympathy for hearing government workers talk about “long” hours.)

This morning I went to work, completely forgetting that our building won’t heat or cool offices on Federal Holidays. It’s an unseasonable 87 degrees outside today. And our office has a wall of windows that spectacularly catch the morning and mid-day sun. Needless to say, it was HOT in there. We were all pitted-out and I swear I saw sweat drops hitting one of my colleague’s keyboards.

I finally cracked around 1pm, deciding to hoof it home and work in the comfort of my air conditioning. Which was a good plan, but I was so over-heated, I had to strip down to my underwear to cool off after my walk home.

No sooner than I had settled in at my desk, someone knocked on my door… forcing me to run around, find pants and make myself presentable. It was my neighbor, Michael, stopping down to tell me he’s having his floors replaced tomorrow. (HOORAY!)

To explain why I was home, sweating and looking a bit crazy, I said, “Wow. You’re actually lucky you caught me at home. Our office is hotter than hell because  of the holiday.”

This comment could’ve completely derailed the conversation in about five different directions. Fortunately, he just looked at me and said, “What holiday?”

Tags: , , ,

Maybe I should rethink my opinion of New Jersey?

10 Oct

I don’t own a TV, and if I did, I can’t imagine using electricity or time on a show that sounds as stupid as Jersey Shore. But who doesn’t like a make-over? Especially one that makes you thank your lucky stars to have been raised as a corn-fed midwestern girl?

Need a diversion? Take five minutes and visit this site to channel your inner-Jersey. I did, with frightening results: 

I don’t think I’ve EVER attempted to wear that much eyeliner. Even for Halloween.

Tags: , , ,

His last name should be “Sedarious” so it rhymes with “hilarious.”

9 Oct

 

Waiting for Godot. But Sedaris.

 

Earlier this week Alan and I saw David Sedaris speak at the Lisner Auditorium at GWU. If you don’t know who he is, then you must either be a) So conservative you crap tea bags, or b) Dead.

He’s one of my favorite authors of all time, because he knows how to tell a great story. Well, that, and he’s from a pretty wacky family and is willing to exploit it for my amusement. And he moved to France with a limited grasp on French, much like I did. So, he’s kind of like an older, gayer, funnier, more talented version of me. And whereas I would pass a drug test, I’m pretty sure he would fail.

Alan had never seen him before, so the night got off to a bang when Sedaris took the stage and opened with, “I hate to be a dick, but…” And proceeded to stop and watch the sign language interpreter, just so he could see her sign the word, “dick.”

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , ,

Facebook: I actually DO have self-restraint.

7 Oct

Nothing to with this post, other than that it's made of pork. And it might be my dream house.

Someone commented on my friend Lisa’s Facebook status tonight. His name was Miguel L. Lama. I was tempted to ask if his middle name really started with an “L” or if he just wanted to be known as M. Llama. That means either he’s funny or his parents are.  (I’m not, because I immediately started to think of a way to suggest that if he were a DJ, he could go by “m night shyamallama.” I don’t even know why that struck me as funny.)

My friend Trudi posted this: “My fortune: “You are the crispy noodle in the vegetarian salad of life.”

My immediate thought was: “Mmm. Crispy noodles.” Which then got me thinking, “Mmmmm. Pork rinds.” So when I went to comment on her status, I typed, “Are you crispy because you were fried in pork lard?” But before I hit “share” I had the sense to think, “What if SHE is a vegetarian? It might be offensive to be compared to bacon fat.”

And then I thought, “OMG. I can’t imagine anyone would think that a bacon fat reference would be a good thing.” Except me. (And started banging my head against the wall as punishment for being obtuse. Yet also awesome because I like bacon so much.)

And then – because I clearly didn’t have enough reasons to know that comment would have gone over like a fart in church – it occurred to me: “Isn’t Trudi Jewish? Isn’t there something about pork that would make my comment doubly offensive to my Jewish friends?”

Now that I think of it: it’s actually kind of startling that I have ANY friends on Facebook.

Tags: , , , ,

When multi-tasking goes wrong.

6 Oct

I pride myself on efficiency, but today I realized that it’s not always desirable to be efficient.

I realized this on my way to the bathroom at work, when the latest issue of People Magazine caught my eye on the reception desk. Without thinking, I grabbed it so I could skim the photos on my walk to the bathroom. It only occurred to me as I opened the bathroom door and encountered a co-worker what it might look like:

Oh, there goes Alison, disappearing into the bathroom with a People Magazine. Guess we won’t see her for a solid 20 minutes. (Like the use of solid there – impressive, no?)

Continue reading →

Tags: , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →