Anyone who knows me, knows that kids are not part of my life plan. Friends used to doubt me, admonishing, “You’ll change your mind! Just wait…” as I shook my head with certainty.
In recent years, however, they’ve started hold back those comments. I would blame their shift on my nearing approach to 40, but I actually think it probably has more to do with Alan practically handing out business cards for the doctor who performed his vasectomy.
Whatever the case, I’m glad people no longer try to talk me into a baby. They’re just not my thing. (I know. This probably means I have no soul. But I do have grown-up meals, a clean house, a travel budget and the ability to soak in the bathtub with a good book whenever I want. I’ll take the trade-off.)
That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy other people’s kids – at least in small doses. Take last weekend…
In Atlanta, I got some quality bonding time with Liz’s son Jackson, who is two. He was friendly and snuggly and adorable. And also generally half-naked, wearing only a shirt, in a style known (for obvious reasons) as Porky Piggin’.
The naked bit is because he’s potty training and Liz is having to get creative about learning his signals. Apparently when he wears a diaper, he doesn’t think about what he’s doing and just fills it. But if he doesn’t have pants on, he has just enough awareness to shout “Go pee pee!” before running at full tilt toward the bathroom.
So I was sprawled on Liz’s couch Sunday morning, drinking my coffee, when all of a sudden we heard Jackson come tear-assing down the hallway toward us from the bathroom, clapping wildly and yelling, “Yay Jackson! Jackson go potty!”
Liz, eager to reward him for using the toilet, quickly grabbed a sticker for his chart and said, “Good job! Show me!” and started to follow him back down the hall. From the couch I heard her excitement quickly morph into horror.
“Oh no! Jackson! What happened?!” she implored. Then, “Alison! Do not come out here!”
Of course those are just the words to make me scramble to my feet with curiosity, so I trotted through the kitchen in a flash. And found myself staring down a long hallway dotted with turds.
Apparently Jackson had been so excited to have used the toilet that as soon as he finished peeing, he jumped up and ran to tell us about it – forgetting that he had more business to attend to – and took a running dump the entire length of the 20′ long hallway.
Liz looked at me and shook her head, starting to laugh. “I don’t even know where to begin!”
When we had the situation under control, I sent Alan a text. “Never a dull moment. My Sunday morning started by helping Liz clean up poop in the the hallway. How’s YOUR day going?”
His response? “My day is great – I almost never poop in the hallway!” Amen.
pithypants 
Yup yup. Dr. Andrew Joel, and he remains the only person I’ve ever thanked for an assault on my junk.
That’s funny, because when I accidentally kicked your balls you said, “THANKS A LOT!”
I love it! I have four kids and have cleaned up poop everywhere. I don’t blame you for not wanting them. It’s just one of those things.
Agreed. I know my limits!
“I actually think it probably has more to do with Alan practically handing out business cards for the doctor who performed his vasectomy.”
That visual cracked me up. I can just imagine Alan passing out this card over nibbles at a lovely Sunday brunch.
Scratch that. If he could wear a sandwich board to sporting events to promote the dude, he would.
great post! I wouldn’t have wanted to be her that morning!
She took it in stride… I guess one of the good things about parenting is it forces people to chill and go with the flow.
Hahahaha!!! Awesome!
Good for you! I remain a woman who likes kids on a kid-by-kid basis and still asks to sit away from other children at restaurants (even though I have two with me – Ha ha).
Your friends have probably let up on you because they’ve realized that having kids ISN’T for everybody (a realization that may have painfully dawned on them AFTER they had theirs).
My sister isn’t having kids, but she makes a great aunt and fun person who buys them things we won’t! 🙂
Yep – much better to be the aunt! BTW – hilarious that you ask to be seated away from kids while you have kids with you. That’s a fun move!
hilarious…when you have kid(s) you do things you never, ever, ever imagined. fortunately nobody tells you these tidbits….enjoy them from afar and enjoy the soak in the tub…and never for a second think you have no soul!
You know the other thing that – as a non-parent – has always made me gag? Watching someone clean food off their baby’s face with a spoon – then eat it. Gah!
ok that grosses me out!! i’ve done many a gross thing but not that!!
Man, I love your blog. Always brings a smile to my face! Btw, we gave that baby chart to a coworker who recently had one. A baby, I mean. To my knowledge, she’s still alive. That thing should be given to all new parents. The chart, I mean.
Thanks! You made me smile too! That chart should be handed out in hospitals… I wonder how many people would think it was real.
great post 🙂 I suspect part of their laying off on you is that now, for you to have those 2.5 munchkins they really think you ought to want, you’d have cheat on Alan!
Good point. I’m glad my friends aren’t home-wrecker advocates!
Great post. Laughed out loud all over the place. My sister did the no-pants thing with Twin Nephs when she was desperately trying to get them potty-trained. It did work. And I don’t *think* they ever pooped in the hallway… Meanwhile, my friend Angie – you know, the one who’s pissed (no pun intended) she’s having a second boy instead of a girl – is half-assedly (wow… no pun intended there ,either) trying to convince me that I want a kid. Sigh. We’ve changed places.
You know why she’s trying to convince you, right? So she can foist her second son on you to raise while she takes another shot at a girl.