Exactly how old am I? Twenty?

26 Mar

I’ve long suspected I’m not Junior League material, but this past weekend, I confirmed it.  I was in Atlanta, visiting my friend Liz. Friday we went out for dinner, hit an art opening, then people watched at the bar of the St. Regis. It was a nice, chill evening, with only one problem: the drinks.

We had a mojito with dinner, then wine at the art opening. Then, at the St. Regis, we ordered a glass of wine and the bartender presented us with some kind of coffee drink with whipped cream vodka. It’s been a long time since I’ve had an evening that involves anything more than splitting a bottle of wine, and I can’t remember when I last drank liquor, so this definitely constituted a wild night.

And man was I feeling it the next morning when we pulled out of Liz’s driveway, heading out on a home tour organized by the Junior League of Atlanta. I slumped in the passenger seat, wearing sunglasses and pounding water. On our way to pick up her friend Erin, who was joining us for the tour, Liz pointed to a garbage can on the sidewalk in Buckhead and said, “See that? That’s where Erin threw up last year before the house tour.”

I sized it up. “Maybe I should do the same thing,” I told her. “Then when we grab her, you can introduce me as someone who has something unique in common with her.” I was only half-joking.

But then as we drove the tour route, the roads turned twisty and hilly, a combination that would induce car-sickness on a good day. Definitely not what you want to combine with a hangover.

Outside each home, perfectly made-up southern girls sat at a table, smiling as they checked our tickets and gave us blue booties to slip over our shoes so we wouldn’t scuff the floor. “Y’all enjoy yourselves,” they’d urge and I’d wince.

Inside the second house, staring at the kitchen’s flawless marble counters and admiring its chilled under-counter beverage drawer, I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I looked around in a slight panic, wondering if anyone had ever soiled a home on the tour.

It has been years since I’ve thrown up for any reason, but when my mouth started salivating as I left the home, I knew what was coming. Without missing a beat, I walked down the driveway, crossed the street into a small park next to a set of occupied tennis courts, and knelt – Tebow-style – before silently barfing in a cluster of liriope.

To anyone watching, it would’ve looked like I was simply tying my shoe. Until you noticed I was wearing flipflops.

Liz and Erin had wisely hung back on the sidewalk, and questioningly flashed me thumbs-ups as I walked back to them. I simply nodded, trying to be discreet as I passed a woman walking two small white dogs past me into the park.

As we climbed into the car, Erin piped up from the backseat. “Gee Liz – we’re going 2/2 on this home tour. Guess next year it will be your turn!”  We both shuddered; Liz, undoubtedly at the thought of being the one to toss her cookies in public.

And me? Well, I’d just seen the two white dogs discover their next meal.

6 Responses to “Exactly how old am I? Twenty?”

  1. k8edid March 26, 2012 at 6:50 pm #

    Cinco de Mayo, 2011. Never again.

  2. lynnettedobberpuhl March 26, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

    I almost ruined Christmas 2010 with a massive hangover induced by skinny margaritas and family stress. At least you weren’t witnessed by a houseful of in-laws. On the other hand, nobody was takin’ up what I was layin’ down, so I was saved THAT extra gruesomeness.

  3. topiclessbar March 27, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    Pithy Pants – I totally dig your blog. And, um, I Blog Tagged you! Yeah, it’s kind of a headache, so ignoring it would be totally understandable. It’s sort of like the Versatile Blogger Award, except there is no reward. Sorry about that. Anyways, keep up the great writing, and here’s the link to the post I tagged you in. Cheers!


  4. thesinglecell March 27, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

    Ohhh dear. Right? There’s something (I hate to say it) that happens as you get older that makes you feel like you’re back to your rookie days. I’ve had it sneak up on me like that, too. (Without mixing alcohols… which is probably what did you in, as I think you imply in your post.) But it makes for a great blog post!

  5. hollybernabe April 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm #

    Ohhh, that last comment…ewwwww! LOL

    • hollybernabe April 4, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

      Not comment, sentence. The last sentence in your post. I wasn’t referring to thesinglecell’s comment. Sorry. Should have been more clear. 🙂

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