Today, as the final day of my stay-cation, I was thinking about swimming for a little exercise, but I didn’t really feel like exercising. And since I’m participating in NaNoWriMo, I have a whole new appreciation for effective procrastination. So I combined the two (wanting to swim but not actually exercise + procrastination) and found myseld perusing the PP archives, having decided that READING about swimming would effectively take care of all desires at once.
Which is how I stumbled upon an old post that both provides frightening insight into how my brain works, and also cured me of any urge to walk to the pool today. Since it’s Friday, I figure you’re all looking to piss away a bit more time than usual during your lunch break, so here’s a repost from September 2010.
This locker room is what I would expect to find in a prison.
Except with more people in it.
And probably lice.
Soap on a rope!
Wow. That is one naked woman.
Why is she sitting on a chair in the shower?
Note to self: don’t ever sit naked on a chair in a public shower. Gross.
I’m glad the lifeguard didn’t ask for my ID today.
I must look urban.
I wonder if they would’ve stopped Alan.
Wow. The water is WARM.
I bet I’ll overheat.
Sweating in the water is weird.
But it happens.
Why does that sign say “Water Running?”
I don’t SEE any water running.
<Four laps later>
Ah ha! They mean “water running” as in “people running” in the water.
Not the water running.
That’s embarrassing. I’ve been here a half dozen times looking for running water.
That explains why the fat woman always hangs out in this lane and doesn’t swim.
Although actually, she’s not running. She’s water-standing.
I wonder if I’ll get kicked out of this lane?
I am hot.
I wonder if the water tastes saltier because I am sweating?
Is my key still stuck to my head?
<Patting back of head while breast-stroking>
It is! Good!
What would I do if it wasn’t there?
How ironic would that be?
If by trying to protect my stuff, I end up losing the key.
Which would be worse: having someone steal my stuff because I left the key to my lock on the deck, or not being able to get to my stuff because I tied the key to my goggles and it fell off and disappeared into the pool drain?
Not sure.
Those girls have on the exact same suit.
I wonder if they’re on a team together?
If they are, then it’s not a good team because I’m faster than them.
I wonder if the lifeguard would actually notice if someone drowned?
Are they allowed to talk on their cell phones on duty?
I bet they are breaking the rules.
<Scanning bottom of pool to make sure no swimmers need to be rescued.>
How weird that I can’t wait to get out of the water to cool down.
I bet that’s why that woman was sitting on a chair in the shower: heat stroke.
pithypants 
I wish our pool had a “water running” sign. I get there before the swimmers to claim my spot and if it gets busy they (a bunch of egomaniacal DOCTORS who come to swim before they make rounds at the hospital) try to tell me I have to move. I tell them which part of my generous anatomy they can kiss. Assigning a lane to water joggers, one of whom (me) runs in the water faster than some of them swim, seems like a logical solution. I attended one of the “water aerobics” exercise classes at the pool and I laughed right out loud at what they considered exercise (mostly chatting while gently bobbing up and down with their “water noodles” while protecting their “helmet hair”). I also have a running commentary while jogging, except the lifeguards all want to talk because I am the only one with my head out of the water.
I love the running mental commentary (and I mean mental as in your head, not as in crazy). That’s pretty much how my mind works, too. I’ve never understood how a man can answer, “nothing” when you ask him what he’s thinking. I mean, you are always thinking something, right? But they mean it.
Now I want to read some more of your archives!
Ah, so my little trick worked?!
you sneaky blogger! (it works for everything and I’m going to use it always)
Me too! You sneaky commenter!
and I can’t believe my comment has to await moderation. wondering what your reasons for exclusion might be. hoping one reasons is “not awesome enough”. confident that reason will never apply to me.
Ha! Very true. You’ll always be awesome enough. But apparently you haven’t commented OFTEN enough or RECENTLY enough, because WordPress didn’t recognize you. Teach you a lesson about silently lurking for a while, did it?
“Water running” is a dumb sign. I mean it just is.
And is the heat stroke just an event I missed in the Olympics, contested somewhere between the 400M breast and the 200M fly?
Great post! Listening to your inner dialog can be hilarious–you just showed us! 🙂