Archive | February, 2011

Computer says “no.”

4 Feb

Based on the unemployment statistics, it sounds like the market is filled with overly-qualified people seeking work. And yet I continue to run into people in customer-facing roles whose only demonstrable quality is a pulse.

Last night I went to the library to pick up a book I had put on hold months ago. My book club just selected it as our next pick, so imagine how thrilled I was to receive an email notifying me that the book was ready and waiting for me at the library. Awesome timing!

So yesterday, despite feeling like crap (meaning I was coming down with a wicked cold), I hoofed it to the library on my way home from work, anticipating the reward of a hot bath, mug of tea, and escape into the novel’s initial pages.

But the library had other plans for me. If the librarian helping me had had a sense of humor, she might’ve screamed, “You’ve been Punk’d!” and pretended Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out from under the counter. Instead, she just frowned at the computer screen and said, “Computer says it’s unavailable.”

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I just learned a new word.

3 Feb

I wish I hadn’t.

Here’s the word I wish I could scrub from my vocabulary: VAJAZZLING.

If you don’t know what it is, think, “Beadazzler meets bikini area.” Um, yeah.

Seriously? I’m pretty sure our pioneer ancestors would have neutered themselves, had they known their descendants would actually spend time and mental energy on such a thing.

Although, who knows? Maybe pioneer women stuck corn kernels to their nether regions for a little bedtime bling.

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Try not to get jealous of these awesome product ideas.

2 Feb

Not sure how the topic came up, but at book club last night we had a rather vivid discussion of camel toe. If you’re the only person in America who doesn’t know what camel toe is, for your edification: it’s when a woman’s pants are hiked up so they reveal the detailed terrain of her crotch. It looks like a camel toe; hence the name.

I can’t quite bring myself to insert a photo of camel toe here, but if you’re still not getting it, I recommend doing a Google image search on the word. The results are spot-on.

Anyway, once we were on the topic, one of the girls mentioned that they actually sell gym clothes that are reinforced in the crotch area to prevent camel toe at the gym. That prompted a whole discussion of a line of feminine apparel products we could brand.

First would be a female cup intended to keep that area looking like a Barbie. We would call that one “Camel-No.”

Second would be pads that keep your nipples from popping through your clothes (since bras don’t always provide enough coverage). These would be called, “Nipp-ins.”

Finally, although we’re not sure of anyone who is embarrassed by the contours of their belly button showing through their tops, we thought it was a good way to round out the collection. The belly button patch would be named, the “Belly butt-off.”

Oh, you might roll your eyes, but I bet the girl that invented Spanx got the same reaction. And she’s now a bazillionaire.

Besides, you’re probably just a wee bit jealous. I mean, while your book club devotes hours to dissecting “Jane Eyre,” mine is discussing camel toe and new business ideas.

I think we all know which club is more interesting.

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