I’ve never needed an emergency room before, but this weekend I was there twice, for two separate things.
First, my work day was cut short on Friday because I looked down and realize my left calf was suddenly Hulk-worthy, measuring in at almost two inches wider in circumference than my right leg. I called my doctor and he directed me to the ER to get an ultrasound for a blood clot. (More on that in a separate entry.)
Then yesterday, thinking I would take advantage of the gorgeous weather, I ventured out for a walk. Forty minutes into the walk, while in a pedestrian crosswalk, I got hit by a car.
So, the details, to relieve your curiosity: The car was a Prius, driven by a 43 year old woman who lives in my neighborhood. The way the sun was shining, she had a serious glare on her windshield, making me invisible. She was trying to merge into Sheridan Circle, so at the time she hit me, she was in acceleration mode, punching it so she could time her entrance properly.
Fortunately, although I was talking on the phone (hands-free), I was watching her car. She initially slowed, so I assumed she was going to stop, but then as I neared the center of the crosswalk, she started accelerating right at me. The thought that crossed my mind was, “Holy shit! This person is TRYING to kill me!”
Of all the moments of the accident, that was the most surreal. The knowledge that you are about to get mowed into by a car and can absolutely not avoid it is seriously freaky.
Fortunately, time DOES slow down when shit gets crazy, so I was able to get my hands around and onto the hood of the car, just as it struck me, which I think managed to help absorb and direct the impact. Instead of getting hit and run over, I sort of vaulted up, rolled across the hood, hit the windshield and went off the top of the car.
Also fortunate: the car was a Prius, so as far as adversaries go, I don’t think I could’ve chosen a better model. It was relatively low to the ground, somewhat wedge-shaped, and not made of steel. Definitely preferable to encountering a Hummer.
Somehow, miraculously, I landed on my feet. (I really wish I had video of it, because I felt like I was somewhat ninja about the whole thing.) I think my yoga membership just paid for itself. Forever.
As soon as I realized I was alive, I proceeded to wheel around and scream at the driver, letting out a string of expletives that would render most truck drivers silent with awe. (My friend Richard, who I had been talking to when I was hit, was still on the line and heard all this. I’m hoping he can provide me with a transcript, once he’s had his eardrums surgically repaired.)
About this time, two women who had witnessed the accident came running over and told me to lie down and call 911. Apparently they heard the thud of me hitting the car, then saw me hit the windshield and fly over it. “You were completely contorted!” the one woman kept saying, incredulous. “I have no idea how you are walking!”
After 5 hours in the ER, I was released with only a concussion and bruising. Today I’m sore, my head aches and I feel like barfing (which apparently goes hand-in-hand with a concussion) but I’m in one piece with only scrapes and bruises. The only true casualty was the fact that my keys got lost in the shuffle.
Pretty damn lucky considering that for at least a moment, I honestly thought someone wanted me dead yesterday.
Whew. So those are the facts. Stay tuned for the comedy in subsequent posts, because there was plenty of that… two visits to the ER in 48 hours means I have a few scripts from episodes of Scrubs up my sleeve.
Oh, and as I was boarding my flight to Boston this morning, I got a call from the woman who hit me. (More on her later, though Alan may get dibs to write about her on his blog since he’s now functioning as her therapist.)
She was calling to tell me my keys turned up. Under the hood of her car.
I seriously might buy a lottery ticket, because I’m feeling pretty lucky.
pithypants 
Quick, go get lotto tickets. With luck like yours, you’ll really cash in.
Alan’s getting to play therapist to her? Oh man I wish I could hear those conversations 🙂
Hey! I’m beinng nice …
Al, sorry to make fun, but do you listen to Dane Cook? He’s got a hilarious bit called “Struck by a Vehilce” http://www.hotlyrics.net/lyrics/D/Dane_Cook/Struck_by_a_Vehicle.html. Much funnier with audio, but here’s a fun slice:
The guy gets tagged okay, the greatest part of the story. He’s in the air flipping around, this is how he lands on the other side of the car. He comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air and he starts walking around, embarassed. He’s trying to play it off like he didn’t just get hit, by a car.
People around him are like..
–“Oh my god! Oh my god! Are you alright? Are you okay?”
He’s like ..
–“I’m fine, I’m fine. Seriously, I’m fine. I’m a little bit hungry. But uh other than that I’m fi–”
–“No you should really sit down, you’re bleeding from the ears.”
–“I know, I know that. I do that. Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head, it’s tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy. I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes I’ll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy. I’m fine I’m just gonna go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.” *puking noises*
@Hoyt… HA! That’s kind of what it was like. I think Dane Cook and I were hit by the same woman. 🙂
Isn’t it great when crazy shit happens to us writers. Fodder is the word. These last two posts were hilarious and frightening!!
Definitely preferable to encountering a Hummer.
ya think?