Tag Archives: Splashdown Waterpark

A terrifyingly wet playground

30 Aug

Pretty Much…

Alan and I took his kids to Splashdown Waterpark yesterday. I’m still recovering, so I don’t have time for a full post. Instead, I’ll just share a few pearls of wisdom with you:

First: the Lazy River is actually pretty fun when you’re not sharing it with turds. Seems obvious, but if your only other waterpark experience was like mine, then this actually comes as something of a revelation.

Also: the Lazy River is also a far cry from lazy. It’s more like a treadmill. We spent the better part of two hours playing tag by swimming laps around the lazy river. Not sure about the kids, but I’m wiped out.

Second: Water Slides? Kind of terrifying. I’ve never liked the closed-tube kind because it makes me claustrophobic, so I thought I was wise by choosing the open slide. I should’ve realized my instincts were failing me when I saw that the closed-tube version had a congo line forming to ride it, while the open slide essentially had a wad of tumbleweed milling about on its steps. Instead, I thought, “Suckers!” as I sprinted past.

Then halfway down, spinning wildly in circles and banking like a professional luge athlete, I found myself grabbing blindly at the sides of the slide, trying to slow myself so I wouldn’t go flying off it. And while they don’t have a mirror at the bottom, if Alan’s expression was indication, my face morphed from “Oh shit!” to “Thank the Lord!” as soon as I exited the slide. One and done.

Third: If you have a weave (by which I mean an elaborate hair piece), please don’t go to a waterpark. Or, if you’re going to go, then twist that mess up on top of your head. Otherwise, you look crazy walking around with butt-length hair, trying to keep it dry when you’re at a place called SPLASHpark.

Finally: I could spend an entire day watching people sit on the in-pool water fountains. At one point, Alan’s son was sitting on one and I caught Alan’s eye. “I’m not sure what’s happening,” I whispered, “but I’m pretty sure it’s either going to end with your son shitting in the pool or sporting a boner.”

And with that we left.

You’re welcome, Splashdown.

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“Lazy” might not be the best descriptor.

20 Aug

Alan’s taken the last week off from work to spend time with his kids. Yesterday I joined them for an afternoon at Splashdown Waterpark in Manassas, VA. While I like water, places teaming with children are generally not high on my list of places to go.

As it turns out, my instincts were right: they had to evacuate the Lazy River because it was “contaminated.”

That’s about as descriptive as they would get, but it’s pretty clear someone either pooped or threw up in it. Since vomit would likely scatter, I’m guessing the former was the culprit. Well, my guess is based on that and the fact that I’m pretty sure I saw three turds bobbing along the river with lifeguards pointing at them as we left the park.

Once you know someone has taken a dump in the Lazy River, it’s pretty hard NOT to think about the amount of pee swirling around your legs. To put myself at ease, I persuaded myself that the pools had been treated with a chemical that would turn all pee hot pink (as we were led to believe might happen when we were little), so that I could pretend I was not, in fact, in a large toilet.

Bathroom concerns aside, it was actually a pretty great day. The weather cooperated. The kids enjoyed themselves. And even if what you’re splashing in is pee, it beats a day at the office. Sign me up!

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