A terrifyingly wet playground

30 Aug

Pretty Much…

Alan and I took his kids to Splashdown Waterpark yesterday. I’m still recovering, so I don’t have time for a full post. Instead, I’ll just share a few pearls of wisdom with you:

First: the Lazy River is actually pretty fun when you’re not sharing it with turds. Seems obvious, but if your only other waterpark experience was like mine, then this actually comes as something of a revelation.

Also: the Lazy River is also a far cry from lazy. It’s more like a treadmill. We spent the better part of two hours playing tag by swimming laps around the lazy river. Not sure about the kids, but I’m wiped out.

Second: Water Slides? Kind of terrifying. I’ve never liked the closed-tube kind because it makes me claustrophobic, so I thought I was wise by choosing the open slide. I should’ve realized my instincts were failing me when I saw that the closed-tube version had a congo line forming to ride it, while the open slide essentially had a wad of tumbleweed milling about on its steps. Instead, I thought, “Suckers!” as I sprinted past.

Then halfway down, spinning wildly in circles and banking like a professional luge athlete, I found myself grabbing blindly at the sides of the slide, trying to slow myself so I wouldn’t go flying off it. And while they don’t have a mirror at the bottom, if Alan’s expression was indication, my face morphed from “Oh shit!” to “Thank the Lord!” as soon as I exited the slide. One and done.

Third: If you have a weave (by which I mean an elaborate hair piece), please don’t go to a waterpark. Or, if you’re going to go, then twist that mess up on top of your head. Otherwise, you look crazy walking around with butt-length hair, trying to keep it dry when you’re at a place called SPLASHpark.

Finally: I could spend an entire day watching people sit on the in-pool water fountains. At one point, Alan’s son was sitting on one and I caught Alan’s eye. “I’m not sure what’s happening,” I whispered, “but I’m pretty sure it’s either going to end with your son shitting in the pool or sporting a boner.”

And with that we left.

You’re welcome, Splashdown.

10 Responses to “A terrifyingly wet playground”

  1. Scritch August 31, 2012 at 4:48 am #

    I have actually had that comic happen to me.
    i was in the sea in goa and a big poo floated by me. I shrieked and ran away

    • pithypants August 31, 2012 at 6:24 am #

      And you lived to tell about it. Shocking!

      • Scritch September 17, 2012 at 7:20 am #

        i know. the horror alone should have knocked me out

  2. Sharon August 31, 2012 at 10:46 am #

    This is HILARIOUS! It reminds me of a trip a long time ago…

    I was with my boyfriend (now ex) and I was meeting his entire family for the first time. The planned meeting occurred at a water park in Sacramento, CA. I am not big on public swimming areas (oceans included) so the idea of a water park really grossed me out, but I was meeting his family, so I had to suck it up. We spent a good part of the day in the Lazy River thing you’ve described. And the whole time I kept thinking to myself, I’m swimming in pee. But I kept those thoughts to myself – who wants to be THAT girlfriend?! Then I started giving people the benefit of the doubt – they will get out and use the rest room, there are lots of grownups here. They’ll tell the kids to do the same. Here’s where the story takes a turn… When I had to go, I got out and made my way to the facilities to find that the potty closest to the Lazy River was CLOSED for repairs! The lovely man directed me to the next closest restroom which was at the front of the water park! Thinking to myself, I better get there quick it’s going to be really crowded, since that’s the only one open and there are all these people. But, no, I got there and there was nary a person in site. No line. In fact, no others ANYWHERE to be seen. And thus, I confirmed my darkest suspicions, we WERE swimming in a lazy river of pee… And I’ve never returned to a water park again.

    • pithypants September 4, 2012 at 7:03 pm #

      Should’ve renamed it the Lazy Ganges.

  3. thesinglecell September 3, 2012 at 10:42 am #

    I don’t know how I missed this post. Here I’ve been thinking you had died. Anyway, revelation: Alan has kids! And you almost DID die on that water slide. I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one who gets mildly terrified on rides like that. I was a little ashamed of myself for being slightly freaked on the Donald Duck tube ride on the Mickey Boat last summer (as six-year-olds caroomed down ahead of me).

    • pithypants September 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm #

      I think the six year olds simply don’t know enough to be afraid. Donald Duck = terror. One day, they’ll realize it.

  4. Angela July 15, 2014 at 7:51 am #

    Well I was going to take the family to Splashdown today but after reading this I’m feeling a bit grossed out and disturbed. Maybe next year.

    • pithypants August 10, 2014 at 4:05 pm #

      My advice would be to go once the preschoolers are back in session.


  1. It wouldn’t be summer without the waterpark. | pithypants - August 29, 2013

    […] news about this year’s trek – the Lazy River did not close once while we were there. (Perhaps because they now sell rubber diapers in the snack […]

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