IKEA makes me ICRAZY

1 Mar

String: Ikea's way of saying, "We don't want you to leave that crap you just bought here."

Saturday, for some inexplicable reason, I got a bug up my ass to go to IKEA. Mind you, I’ve only ever been to IKEA twice before, and I don’t think I bought anything either time. I tend to hate IKEA… it’s like an amusement park of cheaply constructed furniture that’s over-run by recent college grads and families with a bunch of kids.

So why did I suddenly heed the calling? Well, I’m in the throes of prepping my place to go on the market, and as such, there are a few finishing touches that are needed to make it show better – a new rug, better lighting, a few throw pillows to match my newly painted accent wall, a picture to hide my fuse box. IKEA seemed to be the perfect place to pick up these random nuggets, if only I could bring myself to deal with all the people.

Continue reading →

Tags: , , ,

Do I have sucker on my forehead?

28 Feb

Today as I left Safeway, a homeless man was panhandling for change outside the entrance. “Any change?” he asked.

I gave him my standard answer, “Sorry –  I don’t carry cash.”

To his credit, he came back with, “Can you use your card to buy me breakfast?”

This response appealed to me for two reasons: First, I am wracked with guilt when I see homeless people. I’ve been fortunate to have a life in which I can take care of myself, and I try my best to pay it forward. Ignoring the request of a homeless person – when I can clearly afford to help – makes me feel like I’ve lost my grounding in humanity. Second, I coach salespeople and advise them to come back to any objection with another question to remain engaged. This guy was a MODEL closer who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.

Ergo, my guilt and his tenacity worked in his favor. “C’mon,” I told him. “I’ll buy you a few things.”

Continue reading →

Tags: ,

To quote a wise man: never trust a fart.

26 Feb

This is about the last existing photo of WOW chips. Lay's has done an amazing job scrubbing any reference to WOWs from the internet. That's SEO well played.

Remember when WOW potato chips came out in the late 1990s? They were the first – and to my knowledge – ONLY food to ever bear the warning that they may cause anal leakage. At the time, they were the subject of many late night jokes, and my colleague Sara dared to test the warning by consuming an entire bag in one sitting.

Her response: “Wow!”

Apparently the chip was well named and the warning well phrased. Score one for marketers AND the USDA. (Ironically, they ended up re-branding as “Ruffles Light” because they became infamous: deduct one for both marketers and Olestra.)

It got me to thinking that THAT was a good practice. Why don’t companies include warnings on any food that might spoil a date (as opposed to simply including a spoiled-by date)?

Based on the number of times the word “shart” has worked itself into a text from one of my friends (and you know who you are), I’m thinking there are PLENTY of foods (or people) that would be well-served by a cautionary label.

I won’t share the stories that accompany these foods (must protect the innocent – at least until I have a bottle of wine in me) but here’s a list that may cause disastrous results if consumed:

  • Kashi frozen pizza
  • Kashi Go Lean Crunch
  • Fiber One bars
  • Atkins diet
  • Kielbasa and sauerkraut
  • More than three diet sodas in one day

This is by no means a complete list, but it’s a starting point. In any case, don’t say you haven’t been warned. And feel free to add to this list or add your own cautionary tales – consider it an act of citizenship.

Tags: , , ,

Service with a smile… no, really!

25 Feb

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck.

Have you ever tried Cosi’s flatbreads? They’re essentially pizzas, but they don’t call them that. They should, because it would help set better expectations. I’m fine waiting 10 minutes for a pizza to come out of an oven; I am NOT fine waiting for a “flatbread” to be handed to me with melted cheese.

I only order a flatbread if I’ve packed an activity in my pocket – like my iPhone – so I don’t have to twiddle my thumbs waiting for it to crawl through the oven. Yesterday I ordered a pizza flatbread, tucked into a chair and amused myself while it cooked. When it was ready, the woman who presented it to me was wild with enthusiasm.

“Pepperoni! Pepperoni! Pepperoni Flatbread!” She had actually invented a SONG using my Pepperoni Flatbread as her inspiration. I will admit, it got me slightly more excited about my impending meal. Continue reading →

Tags: , ,

  • Comments 1 Comment
  • Categories Uncategorized

Reminder: Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you have to be lame.

24 Feb

Today when I went to the DC Pool to swim, a little girl skipped past me up the sidewalk and shouted, “Hi!” Inside at the check-in desk, she explained to me that her mom would be signing her in later. Friendly little thing, I thought.

In the locker room, separated by a row of lockers, she shouted, “Do you have your swimsuit on under your clothes?” I assumed her mom had shown up. But then, ten seconds later, she yelled the exact same thing, only louder, and came walking around the lockers to look at me.

I faced her, topless, and said, “Apparently not.”

Continue reading →

Tags: , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →