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Warning: Men might want to skip this one.

25 Jan
WARNING: Today’s post is brought to you by the Flashback Machine and True Stories of Teenage Girls. If you are a man, hate embarrassing stories, or don’t care to take a trip down memory lane, then you might want to skip this one.

Wow. That didn’t throw you? Good. Because I’m pretty sure my third paragraph will.

I swam a mile before work yesterday at one of DC’s public pools. A local high school swim team was there practicing as well, which always brings back fond memories of my own high school days… even though I was a diver an couldn’t be PAID to swim laps at that point in life. (Probably because of my preternaturally high metabolism.) I digress.

So what is memorable about yesterday’s swim is this: the bloody footprints leading into (and around) the locker room.

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Give me a chance to wash it before you call me PigPen.

29 Dec

Uh oh. Just as I’m getting ready to sit down and craft my resolutions for 2011, I’m on the road to developing a new vice.

Yesterday I stopped by Bed Bath & Beyond to pick up drapes and a curtain rod for my bedroom in an attempt to add a layer of insulation to my double windows. Of course, no trip to BB&B is complete without a ridiculous impulse buy, so upon arriving home I somehow found myself in possession of this item:

Note: one side is fleece, the other is like a little lamb.

I am already in possession of two afghans, so I’m not sure why I needed another throw blanket. At least, I wasn’t sure until I sat under it. Holy shit. I now know what babies feel like when given their first Blanky Boo Boo. It was warm… it was soft… it even seemed to snuggle back, if that’s possible. At times I found myself reaching down and petting it, as if it were a kitten.

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Vocabulary that sizzles. Fo’ shizzle.

26 Dec

To pass time on Christmas day, we started a three-generation game of Tripoli at my parents’ house. (Tripoli is a card game with three stages that includes Michigan Rummy, poker and money cards.)

Near the end of the game, my attention waned, so I got a bit squirrelly. When playing the poker stage, I announced that my hand contained a “fizzle hizzle” instead of saying “full house.”

When it was time to count off, I led with a “tizzle” (two), followed by a “thrizzle” and so on.

My 12 year old nephew got a kick out of my counting style, so when it was his turn to lay down a Jack, he announced it with “JIZZLE!”

And immediately made a swallowed noise of embarrassment that was combination laugh/cough/gasp that let us know he realized he had just said a word that might be a synonym for “ejaculation” at his grandparents’ dining table. On Christmas Day.

Because nothing says “Merry Christmas, Grandma!” like announcing that your pre-teen slang vocabulary now includes fornication. (Fortunately, I’m pretty sure “jiz” is not a word my parents know, because when I later tried to explain the humor to them, they gave me a blank look. Though actually, that might have been because I didn’t do the SNL skit justice when I explained it.)

Next year, by way of a sequel, we’ll have to take home a bag of chestnuts and see what that does for the conversation.

Holiday shopping: Internet-Style

5 Dec

Yesterday I took advantage of my home-body tendencies and jumped into the holiday spirit – my way.

By which I mean: I glued my ass into my recliner, lit a fire, and – between bites of cheddar bacon mashed potatoes – knocked out my holiday shopping.

First, can I tell you how much I love Etsy? I lost myself there. For – no exaggeration – three hours. While it wouldn’t be my first stop for a family member, it’s a great place to shop for stocking stuffers, hostess favors or staff gifts. Or for me.

I was able to restrain myself, but here’s what I have in motion from Etsy:

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Another reason I love the internet…

22 Nov

A few years ago, my sister visited me in DC and brought my two nephews. While she was here, she made arrangements to meet up with one of her friends for lunch, so I took the boys to the zoo to entertain them. I’d forgotten about this, until I stumbled upon what must be one of the most priceless photos on the internet. (Wait for it…)

Let me set the stage: the day I took my nephews to the National Zoo, it was hosting the Black Family Reunion, so it was fairly crowded. As we walked past the exhibits, nothing really held my nephews’ attention: until we walked past the horses. “Look!” James pointed, “That horse is totally pooping!”

As I followed his arm, I noticed  that an unusual number of people were lining the fence, staring in the same direction, with incredulous looks on their faces. And that’s when I saw it: the stallion had a full erection that was swinging side to side, only inches above the ground, like a metal detector scanning for coins.

My other nephew saw it and yelled, “Gross!” Then, “Wait! It looks like he’s pulling the poop back up inside him!”

As I was receiving this play by play, I could hear the other guests around me, shouting things like, “He needs him a lady!” and, “Oh no he didn’t! No he didn’t!”

It was about that time I began tugging my nephews’ arms in earnest. “Let’s get out of here,” I said, “That’s nasty!” and they eventually began walking again. I got the giggles, thinking how I’d tell my sister that our trip to the zoo ended up with the boys being exposed to an 18″ horse penis.

But then I found this photo on the internet, and it made me realize that THESE GUYS probably have the best story anyone can ever introduce at a cocktail party:

That kid about to fall of the back? His teacher will definitely regret assigning the old "What I Did on Summer Vacation" essay.