My cat hates me. Allegedly.

14 Dec

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My sister shared this article with me that claims it’s been scientifically proven that cats don’t love us.

(For the record, the subject line of Alicia’s email was, “Lies, Lies! All Lies!”)

As I write that, Miss Moneypenny is sitting on my lap, staring up at me with an adoring look. Thanks to that study, I now know to interpret that look as, “This is a nice, soft, warm surface.” And when she greets me at the end of the work day by flopping on the rug and making excited air muffins, I now know it’s simply in anticipation of the meal that will follow.

Thanks, Science, for bursting my bubble.

Now that I realize my cat is a manipulative little liar, I probably won’t ever get another one. And that’s too bad, because I had some really good names picked out for my next cats. Since it looks like they’ll go to waste, I’ll put them out here for any suckers who decide to bring another feline into their home:

  1. Pussy Galore. This was Alan’s original suggestion for Miss MP’s name, but she wasn’t big enough to pull it off.
  2. Furry Lise. Preferably if you own a piano for the inevitable Fur Elise/Furry Lise confusion that will ensue.
  3. Octopussy. Ideally for a cat hoarder’s eighth cat.
  4. Dutchess Furgie. Only if the cat lets other cats clean its toes. Or becomes a spokes-cat for Science Diet.
  5. Mr. Meowgi. For a cat who can catch flies with its paws, or is willing to wax on/off the floor.
  6. Furdinand. For a huge, friendly bull of a tomcat.
  7. Mewly Andrews. This is one of my nicknames for Miss MP because she is talkative; the other variation is Drooly Andrews, because she slobbers when she’s overly excited. Either could work as a stand-alone name.
  8. The Best Cat-Owner Ever. This is Alan’s suggestion. He thinks it’s a good way to reinforce your own awesomeness while talking to the cat. As in: “Does the Best Cat-Owner Ever deserve a treat?” Or taking it to the vet, when they call, “We’re now ready for The Best Cat-Owner Ever.” Think of the envious looks you’ll receive.
  9. Ms. Everdeen. For people who read The Hunger Games and know that the main character’s name is Katniss Everdeen.
  10. ???     Your call! What ridiculous names are you willing to give up since you now have confirmation that cats are secretly plotting an uprising?

13 Responses to “My cat hates me. Allegedly.”

  1. Michelle December 15, 2013 at 12:39 pm #

    I clicked over expecting to see this big long article proving that my cat doesn’t love me. But it was just one little thing, and a pretty weak experiment to base that assumption on, I must say. My cat definitely loves me. Just on her terms, and I can’t really blame her for that. 🙂

    • pithypants January 7, 2014 at 8:19 pm #

      I see your cat has brainwashed you. Clever kitten.

  2. Barbara December 16, 2013 at 8:56 am #

    Cat King Cole – for those who love jazz 🙂

    • pithypants January 7, 2014 at 8:20 pm #

      Nice. I can’t even improve on that.

  3. dianeskitchentable December 16, 2013 at 9:40 am #

    I think my cat loves me – sometimes. But anyone can feel free to use any of Moe’s alternate names like Chomper (for when he doesn’t love me), Kat-Ching (if you have to pay for a week at the cat hospital & then surgery to do a penis removal), or maybe You Little Shit (for when I walk in and see the destruction that he’s trying to blame on the dog).

    • pithypants January 7, 2014 at 8:21 pm #

      Remind me – have we already discussed the cat’s PENIS REMOVAL? I feel like I’d remember that, and yet…

      • dianeskitchentable January 8, 2014 at 3:15 pm #

        Oh yeah, discussed that. Poor Moe got blocked then his wiener got all wrapped up in scar tissue and they whacked it off. Tossed it right in the trash. Poor guy hasn’t forgiven me

  4. thesinglecell December 23, 2013 at 2:23 pm #

    As I leave this reply, MY cat is lying in my lap after having screamed at me incessantly that she wanted to be there even though she knows damned well I don’t let her lie in my lap while I’m sitting at the table. I have long known that her guttural cries when I enter the house mean, “Where the HELL have you been, bitch? Do you think I’m going to sprout opposable thumbs and open the food myself?” (But she DOES actually say “hello” now. I swear to God.) But even if I’m just a cozy warm spot to curl up, she’s more cuddly than most cats I’ve heard of.

    As for names, I got nothin’. But I think you should know that one of my friends just got new glasses whose frames are called Pussy Galore. And my friend is a midwife. And she didn’t know the name of the design until she had chosen and ordered them.

    You’re welcome.

    • pithypants January 7, 2014 at 8:18 pm #

      I hope her frames include neon signage that lights up when she’s peering at a cervix so that all her clients feel like they WON.

  5. Karen January 7, 2014 at 9:45 pm #

    Love your list. Although don’t expect to have a cat to need it. Tell Alan his is my favorite.

    • pithypants January 8, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

      I’m mailing you a cat for Goundhog’s Day!

  6. Karen January 7, 2014 at 9:47 pm #

    Mr. Meowgi is pretty awesome too. (

    • pithypants January 8, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

      That’s been my long-time front-runner. But I don’t want a boy cat. They spray.

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