Archive | 9:36 pm

My cat hates me. Allegedly.

14 Dec

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My sister shared this article with me that claims it’s been scientifically proven that cats don’t love us.

(For the record, the subject line of Alicia’s email was, “Lies, Lies! All Lies!”)

As I write that, Miss Moneypenny is sitting on my lap, staring up at me with an adoring look. Thanks to that study, I now know to interpret that look as, “This is a nice, soft, warm surface.” And when she greets me at the end of the work day by flopping on the rug and making excited air muffins, I now know it’s simply in anticipation of the meal that will follow.

Thanks, Science, for bursting my bubble.

Now that I realize my cat is a manipulative little liar, I probably won’t ever get another one. And that’s too bad, because I had some really good names picked out for my next cats. Since it looks like they’ll go to waste, I’ll put them out here for any suckers who decide to bring another feline into their home:

  1. Pussy Galore. This was Alan’s original suggestion for Miss MP’s name, but she wasn’t big enough to pull it off.
  2. Furry Lise. Preferably if you own a piano for the inevitable Fur Elise/Furry Lise confusion that will ensue.
  3. Octopussy. Ideally for a cat hoarder’s eighth cat.
  4. Dutchess Furgie. Only if the cat lets other cats clean its toes. Or becomes a spokes-cat for Science Diet.
  5. Mr. Meowgi. For a cat who can catch flies with its paws, or is willing to wax on/off the floor.
  6. Furdinand. For a huge, friendly bull of a tomcat.
  7. Mewly Andrews. This is one of my nicknames for Miss MP because she is talkative; the other variation is Drooly Andrews, because she slobbers when she’s overly excited. Either could work as a stand-alone name.
  8. The Best Cat-Owner Ever. This is Alan’s suggestion. He thinks it’s a good way to reinforce your own awesomeness while talking to the cat. As in: “Does the Best Cat-Owner Ever deserve a treat?” Or taking it to the vet, when they call, “We’re now ready for The Best Cat-Owner Ever.” Think of the envious looks you’ll receive.
  9. Ms. Everdeen. For people who read The Hunger Games and know that the main character’s name is Katniss Everdeen.
  10. ???     Your call! What ridiculous names are you willing to give up since you now have confirmation that cats are secretly plotting an uprising?