Good thing I’m not modest. Or dead.

8 May

For Christmas Alan got me a massage and facial. Because I like to hoard gifts, I waited to cash it in until last Friday. Four months of anticipation? Now THAT’S what I consider a gift.

So I took the afternoon off work and headed to the day spa, hellbent on relaxing. In the changing room, I realized I wasn’t sure which service I was getting first, so I just shrugged, ditched all my clothes and donned the robe they provided me.

Minutes later, a middle-aged woman with an Eastern European accent who introduced herself as “Micki” and reminded me of Edna Mode from “The Incredibles” ushered me into a well lit room.

“Vee vill start vith your facial,” she told me. Then, gesturing at the padded massage table, she continued, “Remove zee robe and lie down face-up.”

I nodded and waited for her to leave the room, in standard spa fashion. In response, she simply crossed her arms and stared at me.

“Um,” I began, realizing she was expecting me to drop my robe. “I don’t have anything on under this. It doesn’t bother me, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She laughed. “Please! I’ve seen it all. I ‘ave two daughters and five grand-daughters.”

All rightee then. I dropped my robe and lay down on the table, covering myself with the sheet.

[Note: Apparently that sheet is a pretty important detail, because when I told Alan about my experience, he was incredulous. “So you just lay there NAKED through your entire facial???”]

The facial got underway and I received a lecture for being lazy with my skincare and only using a two step process – wash it, put on lotion. I somewhat redeemed myself by pointing out that I’ve worn sunblock on my face every day since college.

At some point during my facial, I became aware of a muffled bell ringing in the distance. For a moment, I wondered if it was a fire alarm, but I was so relaxed I chose to ignore it. Later, as we were wrapping up the facial, shaking her head Micki said, “Deed you hear zat bell earlier?”

Without waiting for my response, she continued, “Eet was a fire drill. Zey do zem all zee time in zis building. Zee other people took zer patients outside. Not me! If it really decide to burn, someone will come knock.”

Excellent. I could’ve burned to a crisp. Kind of an anti-facial.

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She then went on to tell me about the customer she was giving a Brazilian Wax when the earthquake struck last August. “We ran outside – she in a robe. The wax, eet harden. Wven we come back in, it take me an hour to clean her out!”

I think I’m glad I stuck with the facial.

16 Responses to “Good thing I’m not modest. Or dead.”

  1. Tin Roof Press May 8, 2012 at 6:54 am #

    wait, am I missing something here…?

    Why did you need to be naked for a facial?? Only your face ought to be naked. This sounds like a dodgy spa

    • pithypants May 8, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

      And next I suppose you’ll claim my nipples don’t need resurfacing?

      • Tin Roof Press May 9, 2012 at 6:14 am #

        well I have heard it’s all the rage these days

  2. Nicole Smeltzer May 8, 2012 at 8:04 am #

    Oh my god! That’s MY picture! That’s me in the background, watching the burning fire man! How funny 🙂 I’ve never stumbled upon my own flickr photo before 😀 That was after Christmas when we threw the Christmas tree into the fire pit.

    • pithypants May 8, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

      I’m gullible enough that I actually had to think about this for a minute. I was like, “Did I correctly attribute that photo?” And then I was like, “Damn Middle Sister!”

      • Nicole Smeltzer May 9, 2012 at 7:27 am #

        Haha… that really is me, though. My friend took that photo in my backyard at the fire pit. My husband is sitting next to me in the original, but it’s been clipped. I saw it on some weird fire website yesterday when I got curious and googled. I wonder how they ended up with it?

      • pithypants May 9, 2012 at 7:42 pm #

        OK, I *am* that gullible. REALLY? THAT’S YOU? How awesome!! Wait – No? OK. Apparently, I AM that gullible. Hope springs eternal. Now stop jerking my chain!

      • Nicole Smeltzer May 9, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

        OK, obviously I am going to have to prove it to you 🙂

        Here are me and my husband at that same fire before it turned into a burning man:

        And here is a larger version of the burning man, with us circled:

      • pithypants May 10, 2012 at 6:38 am #

        Wow! I *do* believe you now! That IS crazy… Of all the photos that came up when I did an image search, what are the odds that I’d grab one from someone who reads my blog?! This just goes to show: the internet makes the world a very, very small place.

  3. Alicia May 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    a) I love the slide show.
    b) I’m sparing you the “complete release” jokes.

  4. thesinglecell May 12, 2012 at 10:50 am #

    I’ve never had a facial, but I have two questions: 1) Um… why do you have to be naked for it? I’m with Alan on this… (subquestion) and why does Micki the Eastern European Facialist want to watch you disrobe?
    2) What other steps are we supposed to take with our skincare? I’ve been so proud of myself for the wash-and-moisturize routine… there’s more?
    Wait, third question: Did you ever get the massage, or did the place burn down and you forgot to mention it?

    • pithypants May 15, 2012 at 9:08 pm #

      1. Because apparently my FACE is anything between my hairline and my belly button. 2. There are many steps, some of which involve a jackhammer and sandpaper. If you’re not doing this, you’re not REALLY a woman. 3. Oh yes, there was a massage. I need to blog about it. Thanks for the reminder.

  5. hollybernabe May 15, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    Oh my! I laughed so hard! Her wax took an hour to clean out! I’ve never waxed, and that is just one more reason to add on there why I don’t, lol.

    I’ve never been to a spa. My idea of getting fancy pants is getting a manicure and pedicure. I’m too cheap to go to a spa. My face skin care routine includes washing face with water and a washcloth (when I remember, otherwise the water and shampoo running down my face when I shower is me “washing” my face). Sometimes I use this neutragena stringent like stuff that reminds me of witch hazel, though it’s light blue. That’s usually after I wear make up because make up makes my face feel like it can’t breath and that it’s all clogged up. So I rarely wear make up. And I put sunscreen on before I go outside. Hm. That’s about it.

    Though a massage does sound REALLY nice right about now…

    • pithypants May 15, 2012 at 9:35 pm #

      Has your pedicure person ever made you get naked for a pedicure? Just doing research now.

      • hollybernabe May 15, 2012 at 10:37 pm #

        Um…no. Not in a professional salon or cosmetology type school. My husband, on the other hand…. 😉

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