In which we propose bringing back maternity pants.

30 Sep

I don’t even how it came up, but on chat earlier today, my sister and I agreed that pants suck.

(The guys reading this are like, “Huh?” so let me explain.)

Alicia summarized it best, so I’ll just cite her reasons:

  1. If you get them so they fit when you’re standing up, they cut into your gut when you sit down.
  2. If you get them so they’re comfortable to sit in, you can pull them down without unbuttoning them when you stand up.

(All the women are nodding.)

I had to laugh because I had a perfect example. Yesterday, returning from NYC, I was wearing pants that fit well when I’m standing. But on the train, they felt like they were bisecting my muffin top, so I took (what I deemed to be) appropriate action: I unbuttoned and partially unzipped them.

The problem was that I completely forgot until I exited the train. Walking down the platform with my bag trailing me, my pants started sliding down my legs with each step. Hello, Washington!

Apparently, in my home state of Michigan, if the infographic above is to be believed, this would’ve been a punishable offense.

Opposite of sexy.

Fortunately, my sister is solution-oriented, so not only did she state the challenge (“Pants suck!”), but she also came prepared with a remedy: stomach panels.

As in, the less-than-sexy panel of elastic that can be found on maternity pants.

We kicked this back and forth for a while, until we arrived at the following conclusion:

Alicia: So… Resolved.
Me: Action steps: 1. Buy pregnancy pants, 2. Wear pregnancy pants, 3. Start PP movement
Alicia: OK. I was worried. Without #3, you look like a dork.
Alicia: But if it’s a movement, with PR and all, then you’re a trendsetter.
Alicia: So maybe #1 = Get Michelle Obama and cast of Glee to wear PP.
Me: Yes. And #2 = PP Flash Mob.
Alicia: OK. Then #3 = Songify PP.

Mind you, this is the condensed version. Our actual chat included my ADHD self bouncing over to comment on the Diet Mountain Dew Fan Friday photo of the day on Facebook, which was captioned, “This Diet Dew obstructs our view of Venus.” To which, I — naturally — commented, “I would appreciate it more if it blocked my view of Uranus.”

Of course, I found a chuckle in that, so I had to send Alicia a screen capture. Which then provoked a shared laugh because she tried to “like it” even though I’d sent her a screen capture, as opposed to the link.

And we then went down the rabbit hole that is YouTube, with her sharing her favorite Songified video:

And then we somehow segued into videos of mascots falling down:

And that’s how our unscheduled screenplay-writing sessions go.

Two words: Wait for the movie, folks!

[Later: I realize we overlooked the more obvious solution…]

6 Responses to “In which we propose bringing back maternity pants.”

  1. thesinglecell September 30, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

    OMG I was totally nodding when I got to the part about the women all nodding. It doesn’t matter how you’re built or what kind of stomach or hips you have, it’s all true. But the one super-awkward thing about the bulge-control attire is that it makes you look better, but then if someone touches you… oh… um… what’s going on there? Like Bridget Jones.

  2. Lorna's Voice October 1, 2011 at 5:48 am #

    Yoga pants, people! The stretch, look like chic leggings, and give the false impression that you are balanced and flexible. You may need to put me on your speed dial… 😉

  3. k8edid October 1, 2011 at 6:08 am #

    I have snorted coffee out my nose this morning reading and watching. Too funny.

    I am from Michigan, as well, and had seen the “pants” penalty for sagging drawers. The songified news was golden.

    Pants really do suck, but I wear them because they suck slightly less than dresses which require me to shave my legs and usually wear uncomfortable shoes!!

    Pregnancy pants for everyone!!! (I’m betting even men could benefit from the concept.)

  4. BrainRants October 1, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    You’re right. I didn’t get it.

  5. Alicia October 1, 2011 at 8:50 pm #

    perfect recap. Interesting side note: I clicked on the “great ideas” tag and was surprised and disappointed to see this was your first one. I know you’ve had others (including the diversification-of-services plan for Gynecologists), so you might need to go back through and back tag a little.

    p.s. am looking into yoga pants per Lorna.

  6. whatimeant2say October 5, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

    This is so true! I am nodding my head off in between snorts of laughter.

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