I didn’t realize WebMD was a humor site.

I’m really not good at being sick. In part it’s because I’m always operating off a mental schedule that leaves no room for inefficiency or incapacitation.

Take yesterday morning. I love my Sundays — I typically get up early and clean, then walk to the farmer’s market and load up on produce. I’ll hit a few yoga classes, walk to the library, run some errands, cook meals for the week and have an awesome sense of accomplishment when evening rolls around.

Instead, I woke up at 6am with a raspy sore throat and headache. I tried to rally but ended up spending most of the day in bed, hoping that the rest would force this bug to leave my system. At some point I started to feel sorry for myself (probably when I realized I’d missed the last option for yoga) so I went to WebMD to diagnose myself.

I know, you’re not supposed to practice “internet medicine” because you’ll end up believing you have a rare disease with only two weeks to live. But really, I was just trying to remember if the adage was “starve a cold” or “feed a cold” because I couldn’t decide if it was wise to inhale the pepperoni pizza in my freezer. Don’t ask why I thought WebMD would offer Mother Goose-like guidance; clearly I was sick and not thinking clearly.

Anyway, WebMD has this application called “Symptom Checker” where you can select the symptoms you’re experiencing and it will whittle down a list of possible conditions you may have. When I saw the options of symptoms, I quickly abandoned my own diagnosis and started trying to construct the oddest line-up of issues I could imagine, just to see if I could stump the system.

Here’s what I came up with:

Seriously? I don’t want to meet this person. Or, conversely, I want to invite her to every party I ever throw. Because there is a LOT going on here. Who even decided these are symptoms?

First: Abnormally round face? I’m pretty sure you’ve just offended a large portion of the population by describing their natural facial structure as a symptom. (I’m talking about you, Kelly Clarkson.)

Second: Unusual facial expression. I probably fit that description at least twenty times a day when I’m healthy. Maybe the trick is in finding an abnormally round face that is making an unusual facial expression? Like this guy…

Third: Craving to eat ice, dirt or paper. WHOA. Slow down there, judgmental internet doctor. I think we need to play a game of “one of these things is not like the others.” Because the last time I checked? Ice is actually edible. In fact, I’m pretty sure pregnant women were told they could ONLY chew ice cubes for a few decades. But again, I’d like to invite the dirt/paper-eater to my party. I’d ask her to come late and help with clean-up.

Fourth: Punching or kicking in sleep? I hate to challenge your wisdom, because you are the internet doctor and all and I’m sure you have a degree from DeVry, but I don’t feel this is exactly a symptom. Unless the disease you’re about to diagnose is Sheer Awesomeness Made of Winning, which is also known as Chuck Norris Syndrome.

Fifth: Sense of doom. Well, hell yeah! Who wouldn’t have a sense of doom if they had an abnormally round face that contorted into even odder expressions and lived off a diet of dirt while punching people all night while they’re supposed to sleep? I think it would be a symptom of something bad if they thought life was normal. They should have a sense of doom if this much is stacked against them.

And finally… Fear of air. As far as a phobias go, this has to be the worst I can imagine. Because — in case you are a bit slow — air is EVERYWHERE. It’s not like bridges or heights or airplanes — all of which you can avoid with varying degrees of planning. Air is kind of a given.

[My quest to investigate “fear of air” led me to a site that identifies all phobias. While I feel horrible for anyone confronting a phobia, some of the less common phobias are, um, borderline hilarious. Stay tuned for the follow-up post, in which I highlight my favorite phobias.]

In any case, by the time I finished diagnosing this person (turns out, rabies are the likely culprit) I felt much better. Oh, don’t get me wrong… I still had a raw throat, a dull headache and a stuffy nose. But in the big scheme of things? Feeling like I’d been hit by a bus was MINOR compared to this person I had just diagnosed.

At least my face isn’t abnormally round.

Tags: amusements, diagnosis, disease, humor, internet doctor, phobia, sick, WebMD