I know my strengths. This is not one.

29 Jul

Does anyone have mad skillz when it comes to drop cloths and painter’s tape? I ask because I came home from work the other night to find both items hanging in a plastic bag from my door knob. There was also note informing me that the brick work on my building was about to get repointed, so I should cover my windows to prevent dust from overtaking my home.

Silly me. Standing there, holding the bag, reading the instructions — I was too naive to realize I’d essentially just been told to pick up a turd by the clean end.

It wasn’t until 6:30 the next morning, when I decided to embark on this task before heading to work, that I realized the scope of the task before me. Have you ever had to do such a thing?

Exactly. If you're the neighborhood Christo behind this, please call me. I have a commission for you.

I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say: it’s like being asked to perfectly gift wrap an elephant using a roll of SaranWrap and bubblegum. First I cut the plastic the wrong size. Then the tape wouldn’t adhere to the window frame. Then everything got tangled up. After an hour I had one and a half windows covered and I started to hear the telltale sign of tape peeling — just in time to see the first window slough off the covering I had just completed.

At that point my mom’s genes kicked in (not to be confused with Mom Jeans), because I found myself repeatedly yelling, “Piss on it!” while I spun around like the Tasmanian Devil, grabbing at plastic until I had a wad of it in my arms. The wall between my bathroom and my neighbor’s is thin, and when I finished my tantrum, I heard the guy say, “FINALLY.”

Having exorcised the demons, I patted the sweat of my brow, twisted my hair up and left for work, taping a note in the building’s foyer on my way. “Anyone interested in taping my windows for me? I will pay you $100.”

People say you should make decisions based on what you have more of — time or money. In this case, I went with what I knew I had less of: patience.

Sometimes you just have to admit defeat and move on.

6 Responses to “I know my strengths. This is not one.”

  1. popdialectic July 29, 2011 at 8:12 am #

    No one doubts that you were actually yelling something about corn (excuse my French), but thank you for cleaning it up to, “piss on it!”

  2. thesinglecell July 29, 2011 at 10:26 am #

    …aaaaand we’re laughing out loud. This reminds me of the day I hung the curtains in my living room. My language was much more profane, but the walls are thicker. And I sort of can’t believe your management made you do that. Hello? That’s part of the job for the contractors. Maybe you should have wrapped yourself in the plastic and appealed to the nearest virile man to help you handle the windows. Two-fer!

    • pithypants July 29, 2011 at 11:28 am #

      Money says your suggestion is enough to get Alan on the next plane back from London! (And I agree — was a bit shocked with the DIY approach the management took on this one.)

  3. Danielle August 2, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

    So did anyone apply for the job???

  4. Doug August 4, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    CHEAP BASTARDS…..Why not….Duckbrand Extra Strong Pre-Taped Drop Cloth 5.25 ft x 19.68 ft
    $7.82 each.

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