Archive | July, 2011

List: 2 things that are more terrifying than expected.

23 Jul

Surprisingly Terrifying Thing #1

I would like to know why this even exists.

A few weeks ago I must’ve accidentally switched the ring tone for one of the alarms on my iPhone. I use it as my alarm clock in the mornings, and it generally wakes me with a few gently strummed guitar chords.

This morning, however, it was a harp. That might sound soothing, but when you’ve been up since 4:30 on a Saturday because you couldn’t sleep and you’re all sweaty and overheated from trying to squeeze in a three mile walk in record setting temperatures, trust me: hearing a loud harp coming from the general direction of your bedroom makes you think that either you’re on the brink of nervous collapse, or there’s a cat burglar with an angel obsession entering your condo.

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , ,

There’s a moral to this story: Better a crab than an ass.

22 Jul

It’s been hotter than a warlock’s balls this week, and the forecast tells us Saturday will be even worse: 103 without the heat index (120 with it!). Know what that means? I’ll spend a fair portion of the weekend standing in Alan’s pool, reading a book.

Yes, you heard me right. I’ll be standing in the water reading a book. Kind of like how hippos stay in the water with only their eyes and nostrils out when it’s really hot.

The thing is, I’m not the only person that does this. MULTIPLE people who live in Alan’s community do the same thing — in fact, I learned this trick from them. Somehow, it has become “normal” to me in the past year, and I didn’t think anything of it, until Margaret came out the other weekend. (Remember Margaret? The Red Baron?)

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , ,

But Percy was so cute — until he started haunting me.

21 Jul

I’m a candyholic. Until about two years ago, I thought it was completely normal for adults to eat at least one package of candy per day. I still think that the pocket-life of a container of TicTacs is approximately 10 minutes, a sleeve of LifeSavers should last 20 minutes, and a bag of Skittles is lucky to see 30 minutes — and that’s only if I’m consciously TRYING to make them last.

I’ve always marveled at people who offer me an Altoid or pull a tube of Certs from their glove box. WHAT?! You walk around with candy reserves on your person? Or in your glove box? How is this even possible? Does not compute!

At least I seem to come by this trait honestly: my dad has a sweet tooth like no other. He finishes dinner (and often lunch) with a cookie or donut — or both. In a car, he will offer you a hard candy from his bulk-sized Ziploc baggie every time he fishes one himself — which is approximately every seven minutes. And at night, while reading, he mindlessly consumes Halls “Vitamin C” drops — which really have nothing to do with vitamins and everything to do with sugar — by the handful.

And the good news is that — with 30+ years on me, Dad has yet to show any signs of diabetes. SWEET. I’m keeping fingers crossed that this is one more lucky draw from the gene pool.

I tell you this merely to explain why, after visiting Alan in London this spring, a suitcase full of British candy came home with me. I could not stop myself in the checkout line at the Marks & Spencer. Fruit Pastilles, Wine Gums, Fruit Sherbets, Jelly Babies, Very Berry Smoothies, Milk Bottles, Midget Gems, Miracle Comfits…

SERIOUSLY?? Does Willy Wonka run this grocery store? And do the British not have the same sensitivity to the word “midget” that we Americans have?

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Review: Friends With Benefits

19 Jul

My friend Holly has a DC Film Society membership so she often receives passes to movies before they open locally. Tonight, as her guest, I was treated to a sneak peak of “Friends With Benefits,” the movie starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis that — based on the previews — you’re pretty sure is a remake of something you saw last year.

And that’s where you’ll be pleasantly surprised: although this movie does honor the time-tested formula of a romantic comedy, it manages to weave in so many laugh-out-loud funny lines and fresh details that you don’t even care. It’s just a straight-up great time, and this is coming from a girl who is no great fan of romantic comedies.

JT and Mila have believable chemistry and play off each other solidly, but the real gems in this movie are the quirky side characters — including Woody Harrelson as a rather masculine gay sports writer for GQ, and Patricia Clarkson as Mila’s flaky, hippy mom — who get to deliver some of the funniest stand-alone lines.

Now I’m not saying this would be my top pick for men heading out to the movies, but — if they were dragged by girlfriends who won the weekend coin toss — I am confident they would surprise themselves by actually busting a gut at times. (And it doesn’t hurt that Kunis spends a fair amount of time rolling around in her teeny tiny underwear.)

You know who SHOULDN’T see this movie? Anyone who thinks that “friends with benefits” actually means “pals with  healthcare plans.” Because this is a movie centered around sex and its ability to complicate even the simplest of relationships. So if you’re not hip enough to know what “friends with benefits” actually means, chances are, you might find this movie a bit too racy for your taste.

Unless you’re this badass couple, in which case: AWESOME. You’re retired and you’ve won contest sponsored by KY Jelly. Somehow, I don’t think they’d be flustered.

So, overall, how to summarize this flick in a way that is movie-poster quotable?

Friends With Benefits: Almost as fun as an old-fashioned romp in the sack.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I think the word for you, ma’am, is “cornhole.”

19 Jul

Actually, ma'am, you might want to rethink how you're handling the corn.

Sunday morning I had just approached the corn table at the farmer’s market when an older woman muscled in next to me with her basket.

I sized up the corn and selected an ear, peeling a small bit of the husk down about half an inch so I could look at the kernels.

“You know, doing that dries it out,” the woman told me.

I had headphones in so I pretended I couldn’t hear her, bagged the ear and did the same thing with another ear.

She started speaking again, only more loudly. “You can get the same result by doing this –” she started working her hands around the ear in a gesture that I’m pretty sure could start a fist fight in New York. Or end your career as a sign language interpreter.

I’m generally polite, and would normally accept someone’s tip with a bashful smile or light apology.  But I grew up in rural Michigan, helping my dad with his sizable garden, making my first $20 selling vegetables (including corn) door-to-door from a Radio Flyer wagon, which I pulled while wearing overalls with a patch that said, “I’m proud to be a farmer.”

So I don’t think I’m going out on a limb when I suggest it unlikely that her corn-handling qualifications match or exceed mine.

Which — along with her rich city person’s Williams Sonoma farmer’s market basket  —  is why her advice immediately rubbed me the wrong way.

So you know what I said?

Continue reading →

Tags: , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →