Mother Nature: *some* kind of magic.

12 Jul

This winter, as temperatures danced around below freezing, I kept proclaiming it was “colder than a witch’s titty!”

(Well, actually, I said “witch’s tit” and Alan corrected me, but you get the gist. In fact, I think this shows I can take feedback constructively, because I’ve used his wording. I’d like some gold stars for that. Alan, I’m looking at you. Gold stars. Pronto.)

Anyway, the mercury is now on the other end of the thermometer, pushing past 100 and trailing humidity to boot. You can’t even cross your legs in the shade without sweat pooling around your ankles in DC. Everyone I pass on the sidewalk looks like they’d hand over their first-born child if you could provide them with an air-conditioned gerbil ball to transport them to their destination.

(Note to self: patent air conditioned, human-sized gerbil ball tomorrow.)

I try to save energy by turning off my AC when I’m not home. As a result, there’s an uncomfortable lag when I arrive home every day, hot from my 1.5 mile walk, and my thermostat is registering 80.

(Side note: I would like to feel all cocky and Environmentally Correct about keeping my thermostat at 77, but I read that in Japan, businesses are keeping their office buildings cooled only to 82 to save energy this summer. Now go look at your thermostat — can you spare a degree?)

Anyway… last night, while waiting for the temperature to drop, I came up with a phrase that I believe perfectly captures how hot it is.

Out of curiosity, I did a few google searches to see if anyone else had coined it yet, and it seems to be an original. But I did find this article, which offers up some suggestions for capturing exactly how hot it is. Before I reveal my (soon to be catching) phrase, I’d like to highlight some of the more interesting suggestions from their list.

Here goes:

It’s so hot that I tied my mule in a field of corn, and the corn started popping and the mule thought it was snow and froze to death!

Um. This doesn’t make me feel the heat. It makes me wonder why you’ve bothered adding the bit about the mule. Unless you are bragging that you own(ed) a mule, it seems you could just say, “It’s so hot, the corn popped in the field.” And I’d like to point out that your mule died because it was stupid, so I’m not sure the bragging does much for your reputation, buddy.

It’s hotter than a mother-in-law’s kiss.

You’re right. Because passionately kissing in-laws isn’t in any way gross or creepy. I’m sure the first word that comes to mind for most people when they think of their in-laws is “hot.”

It’s hotter than Paris Hilton’s underpants.

Wait… I thought she didn’t wear any?

It’s another one of those aluminum foil sweater days.

This just seems like it’s trying too hard. I reminds me of when I can’t tell a joke and keep struggling for words to make it better, when in fact, I’m only further digging the hole to Not Funnyville. If I deconstruct this, it’s actually not the combination of “aluminum foil sweater” that makes it awkward. It’s the fact that “sweater” is completely inappropriate in a heat reference. “Aluminum foil thong” would’ve made more sense and been marginally funnier, IMHO.

It’s hotter than a pair of sweat pants full of barbecue.

There are a lot of words I would use to describe a pair of sweatpants filled with BBQ — foul, mysterious, heavy, sticky, confusing, or even nutritious (if I’m being open-minded) — but hot is not one of them. Besides, it seems highly unlikely that you poured bbq into your pants without it first passing through your digestive track. Oh — maybe you were going for a subtle version of “hot mess” with this one. On second thought: Well played.

Now that I’ve been a judgmental beyotch about phrases other people used to describe the heat, I’ll open myself up to criticism. Here’s mine — please shred it or improve upon it in the comments!

The corollary to “It’s colder than a witch’s titty” is…

Drumroll, please….

It’s hotter that a warlock’s ball sack.

C'mon. Jumping from warlock's ball sack to Schwetty balls -- not a stretch!

8 Responses to “Mother Nature: *some* kind of magic.”

  1. Lorna's Voice July 12, 2011 at 10:49 am #

    I bet you are the life of any party you attend! Love, love, love your sense of humor!

    • pithypants July 12, 2011 at 11:24 am #

      Thanks — and I wish! Sadly, I have a habit of falling asleep at parties — even when I’m the host. I’d like to claim it’s a type of party-induced narcolepsy, but I think I’m just lame.

      • popdialectic July 12, 2011 at 2:00 pm #

        To be fair, we kind of alternate falling asleep at parties. You’re a lot of fun when it’s not your turn.

        Gold star awarded.

  2. Kim Pugliano July 12, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

    First of all, I totally read the corn reference initially as ‘pooping’ instead of popping and I was like, “Well THAT makes no sense! Where the hell is she going with this!” Then I read it again and realized I was a complete idiot.

    passionately kissing in-laws isn’t in any way gross or creepy.

    Ha! Either way – my mom or his dad – yuck

  3. lilbkrbabe July 12, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    I’m stuck on the Warlock’s ball sack.

    • pithypants July 12, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

      Literally? Or figuratively? Your answer will change my advice.

  4. Jon Giunta August 28, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    Fans…I too turn my air to 80 when I leave at 730 AM and when I arrive home at 600-630 PM I turn my air to 75 (its Florida!) but I put on the low energy fan in the upstairs bedroom and one in the downstairs living room. After walking the dog in the oppressive heat and humidity and returning home my house is cooled down in 30 minutes! Fans.


  1. There’s a moral to this story: Be a crab, not an ass. « pithypants - July 22, 2011

    […] been hotter than a warlock’s balls this week, and the forecast tells us Saturday will be even worse: 103 without the heat index (120 […]

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