Last night I arrived at Holly’s apartment for book club, only to find her in the kitchen, holding a huge watermelon.
“Here,” she gestured toward her laptop. “Look at this site and see if you see anything easy on it that I can make.”
The website featured watermelon carvings that looked pretty professional. “Um… you’re going to try to make one of these for book club?” I clarified.
She nodded. “I hate watermelon. But I thought it would be refreshing. And I could make it look cool.”
“You think you can pull this off in 15 minutes? Because people are going to be here soon and they look kind of complicated,” I was impressed by her ambition.
Again she nodded, then, turning to me, she said, “You know, I think I’ll make a boat and put this pineapple top on it like a tail!”
And as she said this, behind her, in what seemed to be slow motion, the watermelon proceeded to roll off the counter and land on the floor, where it broke into two chunks and splatted juice everywhere:
Kind of looks like a crime scene, no?
“Well, I think that makes the decision easier,” I told her.
“Did I mention?” she responded, “I fucking hate watermelon.”
pithypants 
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That was awesome, and TOTALLY something that would happen to me.
Honestly, I can’t even imagine carrying a watermelon home from the store. I’m just too lazy.
That’s what you have me for.
To carry watermelons? Or drop stuff on my floor?
Next time you find yourself with a watermelon to carve, here’s what you do:
1. cut a triangular hole out of the top – about 2 inches across will do
2. pour a bottle of vodka into the hole
3. hand out straws
This recipe has been handed down in my family for generations, and I guarantee that anyone can do this.
Enjoy!
Wait — you assume we can figure out which part is the top?
Any part is the top, as long as you get the vodka in! Or, alternative directions: drink vodka, the end.
That’s how I usually cut up my watermelon! and I hate it too!!! lol
Like Gallagher?
yes… only with more hate 😉
I carried a watermelon (from the 5th street safeway). I can’t believe it – I carried a WATERMELON? Insert insult to injury I HATE watermelon – just drink a glass of water! Obviously, the watermelon was not to fond of me either. . .
I am crying – I’m laughing so hard! Wish I was there!
The watermelon seemed to have other, more abstract sculptural notions about the shape it wanted to assume for company.
Hilarious! 🙂
Why does this remind me of Heidi Montag?
Hmmm… must be the busted melons?