Mailbag: Because I couldn’t resist. (Sorry, Alan!)

28 Jun

Spam? Definitely Item "C" on this graphic, courtesy of

So Alan routinely posts a “mail bag” column, in which he responds to the spam he receives. It’s clever, he’s witty, and while I generally would concede he’s pissed a circle around this turf, tonight I found a multiple comments from one person in my spam filter that I simply can’t ignore.

Public Service Announcement: While I am about to mock spam, lest you think I’m discouraging the rest of you from commenting, let me assure you: when you post a comment on my blog — even if it’s just “LOL!” — it is categorized as “B – Rewarding” for me. So in case I haven’t blatantly asked you to comment (in which case you might think you’re Junk Mail) let me plead: please COMMENT. It’s the only way I know anyone is actually reading this! And it IS very rewarding. 🙂

Now please continue, for the mocking…

In response to my Family Reunion post (in which I talk about an awkward silence), this spammer (known as Panama Corporation) offers:

So when there is a quite moment or a lull in the conversation reach over and brush her hair over her ear. No girl lets a guy touch her hair and then waits without saying something if she isnt ready to be kissed..Go out and give this a try and send me a message with some of your stories. -Panama Corporation

Dear PC: Thanks for the tip. I realize I talk about farts a lot, but you should’ve gathered by now that I’m a straight woman, so your advice kind of falls on deaf ears. Oh, and also, the awkward silence was not caused by someone wanting to be kissed, but someone castrating piglets. Please let me know if you have any advice to smooth over that kind of awkward silence. Thanks! ~PPants

I should’ve realized that Mr. Kissy (aka Panama Corporation) would’ve also had a comment for the post I did about my hairdresser, Tom, and his preference for kissing a man with straight teeth. When I looked further back in my spam filter, I found this comment from the same doofus:

Im a great kisser he adds.Points out one of the hosts You have nice full lips. I dont know why youre saying that! says Bieber who was just nominated for a Best New Artist BET Award…

Dear PC: Um. Thanks for making absolutely no sense. Do you work for a closed-captioning service for an awards show in your down-time, or were you going to the most popular search terms you could string together that involved kiss and Bieber with the hope that I’d blindly approve this nonsense? Separately, thanks for noticing my nice full lips. Even when you’re spamming, you’re prescient. That’s a gift. ~PP

Though I actually should be praising Panama Corporation. Unlike many people I encounter, he’s clearly modifying his approach, adjusting what’s not working, and realizing that sometimes less is more. How do I know this? Because I just found his FIRST comment on one of my posts, which was neither relevant nor engaging.

Actually, rather than bias you, I’ll let you decide. The post was about the DC Food Truck scene. And here — in it’s full glory — is PC’s comment:

…THAT PEOPLE WHO WERE TOLD THEY WERE COMMUNISTS SHOULD BE FREED FROM THE DEHUMANISING POLITICAL CONCEPT OF COMMUNISM. .The Democratic Liberals and the Lonely Peoples Socialist Aparty say that a person or persons should be freed from the political concept of communism that the political concept of communism is intrinsically dehumanising and should not exist. Having the true nature of political reality revealed to them they can then choose to be capitalist-royalists if they wish they can choose to work with Gods capitalist system or if such a person or persons wants to be a socialist then such a person or persons should be a socialist according to the true nature of the political concept of socialism and should be freed from the notion that they were meant to be communists.. .As a socialist I have thoughtfulness for people who were told they were communists and think they should be set free. Heshe should be a socialist as a liberal democratic a socialist and a liberal democratic a democratic socialist in being a socialist and a liberal democratic.. .The true nature of political reality is that God exists that there is only one God that the power of God exists that as the power exists and as God created human beings it is inevitable that God must desire to share his power with human beings that God has done this that God has shared his power with his friends that God has come to live in the world to share his power with his friends that Gods chosen friends are the state and capitalism that God therefore is a capitalist-royalist that God is the power and intelligence behind the means of production.

Wait. Please tell me you didn’t actually READ all that? I only included it to show you that this dude started with a NOVEL on his hands and ended up going to television transcripts. That is versatility. That, and the fact that he actually used the word “heshe.” Props for that, sir.

And as for the rest of that? I’ll be honest. I can’t bring myself to actually read it. Skimming the key words, I think he’s assigning God a party position. Or a tax base. I’m not quite sure.

To you, Panama, I say: Keep Smoking. Apparently it’s good stuff.

12 Responses to “Mailbag: Because I couldn’t resist. (Sorry, Alan!)”

  1. bonnie June 28, 2011 at 9:00 pm #

    I love the fact that you started a paragraph with “Wait. Please tell me you didn’t actually READ all that?” I read partway through the first half sentence, then with a flicker of guilt, thought “I don’t read my own spam; why am I going to read hers?” and quit. I enjoy your blogs, but after already reading two spam messages and getting the same irritation I would have had if I’d read my own, I couldn’t handle one novel length. I appreciate your benign dispensation.

    • pithypants June 28, 2011 at 9:19 pm #

      Ha! And I love that you just commented! Thanks for making it through the muck of spam! 🙂

  2. popdialectic June 29, 2011 at 2:37 am #

    I’ve already borrowed your stream-of-consciousness approach on occasion or two, my darling, and this is gold. Please make your own mailbag a regular thing! 🙂

    I got a sentence into the original Panama post and my immediate reaction was, “This is like an Ayn Rand novel. I think I’ll skim the sermon until the story resumes.” Getting to your continued narration was hilarious.

    Great post, madam. You’ve been on fire lately. 🙂

  3. Hoyt June 29, 2011 at 7:35 am #

    Where does this come from? Is there a link at the end of the spam asking you to respond if you want to claim your $4.5 million fortune from your Nigerian next of kin?

    • pithypants June 30, 2011 at 11:58 am #

      Hoyt: you’re right. This never really provides a call to action. I suppose they’re looking to just imbed links so they can increase their prominence in search results?

  4. Vika July 1, 2011 at 3:34 pm #


  5. Martha Goudey July 6, 2011 at 11:05 am #

    Yes, loved it that you acknowledged that we, your readers, would not read someone else’s inane ramblings (i.e. spam). Made me L.O.L.
    And yes, you are so right about comments. I appreciate it when you comment on my blog. Thanks! I’ll do better. Feel as if I’m crawling out from under a log.

    • pithypants July 6, 2011 at 11:07 am #

      Martha… I think you get a “pass” on it, given all you’ve gone through these last few months. But thanks for continuing to read. Funny how you get to know people via their blogs! 🙂

  6. Devin M. D. July 6, 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    Now that is one versatile spammer. I hate spam so much whenever I get it on my blogs I just ignore it. I’ve gotten stuff in czechoslovokian rather entertaining it didn’t even translate well over to English! Love this post good job PC.

  7. Paula July 6, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

    It’s 11:20pm, 3 hours past my bedtime.

    I couldn’t get past the mental image of someone castrating piglets. I truly hope I do not remember tonight’s dream.

    Thanks for sharing!

    • pithypants July 6, 2011 at 10:24 pm #

      If you hear a voice tonight, it’s safe to assume it might be Babe. Sorry about that…


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