Further proof I am an idiot.

21 Mar

There are some foods I love because of their texture: Tic Tacs would be one, banana chips another. I don’t even like bananas, but I love banana chips. Go figure.

One thing I like to do with banana chips is to put one in my mouth and wedge it between my upper teeth so it fits there snugly for a moment before I tap it with my tongue, breaking it in half and relieving the tension. (I know – this is vaguely pathetic. I can’t even believe I’m admitting this.)

Since you’re already cringing in horror at my revelation, I’ll take it one step further down the path of shame.

About a minute ago, I performed “Operation Wedge” and got a banana chip stuck in the roof of my mouth. Except, when I went to “tap and relieve” it, it wouldn’t break.

There is a fine line between enjoying a texture and imposing some odd tension on your palette, and freaking out because you think you’re going to need to have a banana chip surgically removed from your upper cleft.

Fortunately, I was able to pry it loose with a butter knife. And yes, I’ve already eaten three more chips so don’t worry that I’m suffering PTSD from the event. I’m fine. FINE.

Unfortunately, it’s not my first experience of this kind. When I was in elementary school, I had a similar experience with ill-placed items in body cavities.

Once, when my family was out taking a walk, I found a beautiful ginkgo leaf. Unbeknownst to my parents, I rolled it up into a small cylinder and – possessed by satan – shoved it up my nose.

Where it promptly uncoiled and expanded to fit the exact contour of my nostril. I think I managed to wrap up the walk undetected, but my parents noticed me jamming a finger up my nose as we neared our house. I can’t remember the conversation, but I’m pretty sure it went something like this:

Alicia: Mom, Alison is picking her nose.

Mom: Stop picking your nose.

Me: I’m not picking my nose.

Mom: Like hell you aren’t. Knock it off.

Me: I have a leaf stuck up it.

Mom: A what?

Me: A leaf.

Dad: Let me see. Tilt your head back.

Alicia: That’s nasty.

Dad: I’ll be damned. It’s up there really tight too.

Me (starting to panic): I can’t get it out!

Dad: Nope. It’s up there really good.

Mom: Why did you shove a leaf up your nose?

Dad: Bring me some tweezers…

At least I’m consistent.

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7 Responses to “Further proof I am an idiot.”

  1. Sharon March 21, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    OK. I’ll admit it. As a child, I shoved an earring backing up my nose. To this day, I have no idea what happened to it. I never saw it come back out. I was too embarrassed to tell my parents so I just kept quiet, thinking about it from time to time. And when I had my nose surgery 6 years ago, I really thought I’d come out from anesthesia to the doctor telling me about the interesting object they found. But nada… So who knows (nose, get it?!)….

    • pithypants March 22, 2011 at 7:20 am #

      You know what happened to it, right? 😉

  2. popdialectic March 21, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

    I ended up in the emergency room one time because I stuck a pachinko ball up my nose. It’s like the head through the bannister – amazing that it fits so easily going in, then is impossible to remove again.

    I’d be lying if I claimed I wasn’t plotting what I could feed you that could get stuck between your teeth.

  3. Paul March 21, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

    My Dad would take the edges off a piece of soft white bread, slather it with peanut butter, and jam in onto the roof of the dawg’s mouth. The slurping and frantic reactions were priceless. It is a tradition that has been carried on in this household. Humungous fun.

    • pithypants March 22, 2011 at 7:19 am #

      Remind me not to accept any offers of peanut butter sandwiches the next time I’m out there!

  4. Alicia March 24, 2011 at 8:39 am #

    1) There is another leaf up your nose story, Alison. The time you balled up a huh-yooge maple leaf and somehow crammed it up there. then couldn’t get it out. (I think this was on another family walk…what was going on in your head during these walks?)

    Anyway, our procession stopped while mom and dad tried to calm you down and see what really was up your nose. Then you sneezed and out came this little green pellet that, in reverse-oragami style, unfolded itself in your palm into this placemat of a leaf. I think we were all speechless.

    2) Sometime let me show you these weird bone growths inside my lower jaw (I thought everyone had them until my dentist called over a hygenist to show her my especially well-developed whatever they ares). They’re about where my canines are, and occasionally trap chips and things the way you describe doing, except beneath my tongue, so I can’t get them out except by sticking fingers in there. It’s gross and I’m a freak.

    • pithypants March 24, 2011 at 10:33 am #

      I have those things in my mouth too. Apparently they’re not UNcommon, but it sounds like yours are perhaps a bit more, um, developed than other people’s.

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