Anyone who has followed my move knows that while I love my new place, I’m less than thrilled with my upstairs neighbor’s squeaky floorboard. On Monday I got the best news possible: Michael stopped down to tell me that he was having his floors replaced this week!
Sweet, right? I practically did backflips. He went on to say that he’s going to get carpet in his bedrooms, so that should also help with the noise. Fabulous!
But after he left, I got to thinking about it. He mentioned that he was having the floors ripped out in the living room and hall, where he was replacing them with new wood, but didn’t say anything about tearing them out in the bedroom before carpeting. The next morning, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling as it squeaked – to a rhythm that makes me believe he must have been jerking off – I realized it was time to be bold.
So I emailed him that morning:
Hi Michael… Did they start your floors yet? It’s been quiet during the days, so I assume they got delayed. Are they ripping out all the hardwoods, or will they lay carpet on top of the wood that’s in the bedrooms? If they’re planning to lay carpet on top of the existing wood in the bedroom, is there any way I could persuade you to have them rip the wood out in there too – I’d be willing to throw in a couple hundred bucks for the additional labor. I feel super pushy bringing this up, but I figure since you’re having the work done anyway, I might as well ask since it might mean I could stop sleeping with ear plugs! 😉 If it’s a possibility, shout and I’ll cut a check… Alison
I felt awkward trying to dictate his home improvement project to him, but figured it was now-or-never if I wanted the best possible shot of getting my bedroom quiet. After pressing send, I sat on pins and needles, waiting to see if he would write back and tell me to go f*ck myself for over-stepping my bounds.
Alas, when I finally DID hear from him, it was to tell me that he’d already had the carpet installed (over the wood) and the floor guys were coming out later to replace the hardwood in the other rooms. Thanks for being so considerate. Not.
Apparently I missed my opportunity. My testes descended, but a day late and dollar short. (Now I know what Guy Ritchie must feel like.)
This morning I was awakened by a steady squeak above me at 4am. On a Saturday.
I think my next steps might have to start sending him texts from my bed. Here’s my subtle path, bound to escalate our friendship:
Thanks for waking me up, a-hole.
15 minutes later and you’re keeping me awake = not awesome.
And, my favorite:
Really? 4:00 on a Saturday and you set your alarm to beat off?
pithypants 
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