Damn. I have to say, the Rapture was a huge disappointment.
Not that I had any expectations of being Raptured (since I’m both a skeptic and a sinner), but I was seriously hoping that some of the goody-goody-judgmental-holier-than-thou types would disappear. I guess it’s safe to say: we’re all disappointed.
I’d like to interview someone who fully expected to be Raptured today. Here’s what I imagine it sounding like:
Continue readingSince I’ve done a crap job explaining why my posts are coming to you live from England this week, let me back up: Alan is working on a case in the UK for at least a month, so I (being ever so spontaneous) decided to hop a flight and join him for a week.
He’s staying in a corporate apartment near Kings Cross, which is handy because it has daily housekeeping and laundry service. Sounds like a great perk, but we’re both kind of weird about housekeeping — we usually only remove the DND sign from the door if we need new towels, preferring privacy to having a stranger make the bed. But this trip, I keep lobbying to let them in because they stock the fridge with fresh milk for our tea.
The apartment itself is quite nice — it was remodeled in the last few months, so it has nice modern finishes and a gorgeous bathroom. BUT (and this is a pretty big but, which is why I capitalized it): a pretty bathroom is not necessarily a practical bathroom. Especially if more than one person is sharing the space.
Exhibit A: The Toilet
Here’s proof. Captured from Facebook, scrubbed to protect the innocent.
Observation: Sometimes, when it’s not a true disability, it’s actually funny when people can’t see or hear well.
Case in point – my new team was in training for two days in Chicago. My boss pulled out her iPad to share some photos with us. The first photo was of her dog, lying on a doggie bed. One person she showed it to said, “That’s adorable. And it’s so classical looking because it’s in black and white.”
Um. The thing is, the photo wasn’t in black and white. Nothing about it lacked color, from any angle. I’m pretty sure I wrinkled my brow trying to squint my eyes and see it in every possible way, and I could see my boss, shifting the iPad in every direction to see if it appeared even sepia when blurred. It did not.
We both silently shrugged it off, until the next picture popped up, featuring a dog on a different (red) doggie bed with paw prints all over it. “So cute!” the woman exclaimed. “It looks like a ladybug!”
Again with the record scratch. A ladybug?!?
I’m open to creative interpretations – trust me, I LIKE to find animal faces in wood paneling knots – but I just wasn’t seeing this. Then, thirty seconds later she exclaimed, “Oh! There’s a dog there!”
WHAT??? What did you think she was showing us, a pillow?
I’ll cut her some slack – she’s new, she was tired, and she was viewing it on an iPad held at an odd angle across a table. But it still made me giggle.
Given all the psychological evaluations employers perform now to ensure they’re not hiring a freak, it occurred to me that we could patent our own test, using random photos and an iPad. “What do you see here?” I imagine us asking.
Then we present the following image:
And in my mind, the ad promoting this new app I’ve developed sounds like a cross between a Mastercard and an Apple commercial.
Want to find out if your new co-worker is a whack-job?
There’s an app for that.
Confirming she finds butt-humor as funny as you do?
Priceless.
Just finished making dinner. Despite the fact that I like to cook, tonight’s meal is Ramen Noodles. That’s right – 33¢ per pack, friends. A staple of college students everywhere. And me. Because I love them. They’re a Friday Night Guilty Pleasure if ever I’ve had one.
Creamy Chicken is my favorite, but most DC stores don’t sell that, so I settle for the shy half-sister, straight-up Chicken flavor. And don’t even get me started on the noodles I remember from my childhood… there were Ramen that were 2-3 times as wide as these, and a bit firmer. They were (sigh) awesome. And are now utterly discontinued. (Double sigh.)
And as one further side note, let’s all send a mental “thank you” to my mother, who taught me that the key to awesome Ramen is to drain off the water and eat them as seasoned noodles rather than soup. For a woman whose other speciality is fried okra, that is what we call VERSATILITY.
So I’m making them (by which I mean BOILING them) with the timer set for three minutes. I know: when something only needs to cook for three minutes, I probably shouldn’t set the timer and go back into the living room to read. I should stand over the stove and wait. Or wash a dish or something while I wait. But I’m OCD so my kitchen is already spotless, and I’m uber-efficient so just standing there seems like a waste of time.
The point is, I set the timer and sat down. And then it beeped. Fair enough. Time to get the noodles. But I wanted to finish the paragraph I was on, and Ramen noodles really aren’t at risk for OVER cooking. Not like you can spoil a 33¢ meal.
But the timer just kept beeping. And beeping. It reminded me of the scene from “Three Amigos” where Steve Martin was trying to discreetly get Martin Short and Chevy’ Chase’s attention by whistling, “Look up here!” repeatedly, as if he were a bird. (No clue what I’m referencing? Check out this video:)
Hey Mr. Engineer: Not Helpful. Let me guess, your mom was something of a nag? She wouldn’t leave you alone until whatever it was that was on her mind was addressed?
Well guess what? The rest of the world doesn’t function that way. Tell me once that my noodles are ready, then let me be a big girl. If I want to wait until the water has evaporated and they’re stuck to the bottom of the pan, then so be it. Much more preferable than listening to you chirp away harassing me.
On the fourth set of chirps, I finally responded, stomping into my kitchen ready to stab the timer button with one of my new Shun knives and leave it completely immobilized. But guess what? There, in my kitchen, stood Steve Martin, holding a plate of perfectly cooked Ramen for my dinner and glaring at me for not realizing they were waiting.
So I let it slide. Just this once.
pithypants 