The last few weeks were super hot in Richmond – we had temperatures in the high 90s and the humidity easily bumped us up into the hundreds. I’m obsessive about hitting 10k steps per day, so this meant I was usually out at 6am trying to log my miles, water my plants and do any other outside activities before the mercury started to climb.
The heat still hadn’t broken by Saturday when Alan came over, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to sell him on any outdoor events (I had my eye on the free production of “Something Rotten” at the Dogwood Dell amphitheater). We rarely hit any crowded indoor events (apparently I’m the last living human who believes covid still carries any risk?) but I decided to see what was on offer that might involve A/C…
Which is how we came to be seated rink-side at Richmond’s Convention Center for – drumroll please – ROLLER DERBY. As you’ve probably intuited, the Convention Center does NOT actually house a skate rink (or velodrome, for that matter). Rather, they create a rink by taping the lines whenever there’s a match. We had no idea what to expect, other than women on rollerskates and presumably some pushing, and we were not disappointed.
We did, however, quickly realize that we knew NOTHING ELSE about the sport. After each team’s introduction, which consisted of them taking laps huddled together in a crouch with each woman popping up to clown when her name [Beast! Sigmund Feud! Baddy Long Legs!] was called, they quickly got down to business.
Each round starts with the two teams creating human barriers, trying to lock the other team’s “jammer” in place so she can’t skate away from the pack. We surmised that scoring occurred when the jammer made it out of the pack and was able to lap it. This means that each time they come around and approach the pack, they have to try different tactics to get through. Sometimes their teammates would be able to help create an opening for them, but more often they had their hands full trying to stop the other team’s jammer from getting through.
It sounds simple, but I’m not exaggerating when I say we watched the scoreboard quickly climb to a 68 point tie and couldn’t figure out what either team was doing to wrack them up. We resorted to googling “roller derby rules” at the first intermission. (Roller derby has two 30 minute periods with a 15 minute intermission. At this match there was a band set up that played and kept the crowd pumped while the athletes rested.) And in case you’re curious, they get a point for every member of the opposing team that they pass.
Only marginally related: when I started to reflect on rollerskates, I felt like there was a well-known joke in the corner of my brain that I couldn’t quite pull. So I googled, and found that there IS, in fact, a rollerskate joke that (pun intended) seems to do the rounds. Maybe you can think of it?
If not, in closing, here it is (sorry, not sorry):
Three men at the pearly gates….
Three men have died and arrive together in the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first man “Have you ever cheated on your wife?”
The man proudly answers “Not once in 40 years of marriage.”
“You are a good man” St Peter tells him. “Here are the keys to your brand new Porsche. ” He Revs the engine and drives off.
St. Peter asks the second person “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”
The man shrugs his shoulders sheepishly “Uh, yes sir. But only once at a party when I was drunk!”
St. Peter hmms… “Well we have all erred in our life. Here are the keys to your Buick.” And the man, grateful he’s not being sent to hell, hops in the car puts it in gear and drives off.
The third man is sweating bullets. Before even hearing the question he falls down on his knees and begs forgiveness. “I’m sorry St. Peter. I cheated on my wife many times. I was a traveling salesman, I had a woman in every city, on every business trip, at every airport and field office in the lower 48 and most of Europe. Please, Please forgive me…“
St Peter looks in the book and reflects. “Alright. The good news is you can come in. The bad news is here’s your Bicycle. You have reaped what you have sown.”
The man sighs, and starts peddling, weaving back and forth a bit. He comes to the first guy in his Porsche, on the side of the road crying.
“What the hell do you have to be crying about?,” he asks. “I’m tooling around heaven on a rusty bicycle, and you’ve got a sports car. What gives?”
The first man blows his nose and looks up. “My wife just went by on one roller skate.”
AND SCENE.
pithypants 