Warning: Men might want to skip this one.

25 Jan
WARNING: Today’s post is brought to you by the Flashback Machine and True Stories of Teenage Girls. If you are a man, hate embarrassing stories, or don’t care to take a trip down memory lane, then you might want to skip this one.

Wow. That didn’t throw you? Good. Because I’m pretty sure my third paragraph will.

I swam a mile before work yesterday at one of DC’s public pools. A local high school swim team was there practicing as well, which always brings back fond memories of my own high school days… even though I was a diver an couldn’t be PAID to swim laps at that point in life. (Probably because of my preternaturally high metabolism.) I digress.

So what is memorable about yesterday’s swim is this: the bloody footprints leading into (and around) the locker room.

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Observation: Now I know where this comes from.

24 Jan

This afternoon, assessing the mug options in our office kitchen and noting that almost all of them had lipstick marks around their rims, I found myself reaching into the dishwasher to retrieve my dirty mug from earlier in the day.

About that time, a phrase flashed through my brain that had never been so true:

“The devil you know is better
than the devil you don’t.”

And I also realized an even greater truth: Satan lives in the office kitchen.

Just take one look at the communal microwave.

Making friends in the Windy City…

23 Jan

Saturday we grabbed lunch at Elephant & Castle in Chicago. (I know, I’m not a fan of chains either, but it was damn cold out, it was one block from our hotel, and it had a selection of over a dozen good draft beers. So take that.)

Anyway, there was a woman <in her early forties with bleached blonde hair and a loud attention-seeking voice> seated at the bar with three older male companions.

Her voice was so intrusive that Alan kept cringing.

“Honey,” I said to him, but as if I were talking to her, “I’m sure you were cute when you were 20, but you’ve doubled in age. Not so cute at Volume 11.”

Alan added, “And now you look like leather.”

Then he cackled and forecast, “You’re probably going to get me in a fight!”

“No,” I told him. “Those aren’t fighting words. But I’m working on some.”

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Gaining the upper hand in negotiations.

22 Jan

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind on the work front as I’ve done a mad scramble to conduct Year End Business Reviews with some of our key clients in the Midwest. It’s meant a lot of travel and preparation, hence the absence on PithyPants for a few days.

This week I was onsite at a client from 9am-4pm in back-to-back meetings with different buyers and stakeholders from that company. The day was productive but taxing – especially because my normal eating schedule was disrupted. I tried to discreetly sip on a Diet Mt. Dew during my first meeting, but I felt decidedly W.T. so I abandoned the 20 oz bottle under the table and switched to water.

Interestingly, if you are craving caffeine and substitute your beverage with water, you end up pounding it by the gallon because you’re subconsciously not sated. So every time we had a 10-minute intermission between meetings, I bolted for the bathroom.

This wasn’t a big deal until my primary client – the woman who had coordinated the day of meetings and who is leading the charge on negotiating aggressive contract terms – ALSO needed to use the restroom.

You sit at a table and have formal conversations about ROI, cost-effectiveness, partnership. Then you hit the bathroom and continue the business talk, but with the odd accompaniment of bladders emptying.

Sitting on the toilet, I got a silent case of the giggles, thinking how funny it would be to have an “Austin Powers” moment in which I just kept peeing and peeing and peeing, leaving her to awkwardly stand by the sink and wait. Or how it would be awesome if she concluded her business by ripping an audible fart.

Maybe I’m blowing this out of proportion, but I just think there’s just something odd about taking a business conversation into a bathroom.

I suppose it could be worse. At least we weren’t using urinals. And we both washed our hands.

 

Half my workout was just getting to the water.

17 Jan

The pool where I swim is a 15 minute drive from my house, so if I forget something mission-critical (like goggles or my bathing suit), I forfeit my workout rather than make the roundtrip twice.

That precise problem reared its head this weekend, when I arrived at the pool only to realize I’d forgotten my photo ID, meaning I wouldn’t be admitted to the pool. GRRRR. Fuming, I drove home completely irked.

When I got home, however, I saw that my towel was still hanging on the back of the bathroom door knob, so my missing ID was actually a blessing in disguise. I can’t imagine wrapping up a workout completely soaked with no ability to dry off before heading out into freezing temperatures.

This wasn’t the first time I’d forgotten something important, and it reminded me of another time recently when I got to the pool only to realize I’d left my flipflops at home. If you don’t understand how flipflops could be critical, then you clearly haven’t spent much time in a public lockerroom.

Remember playing “lava” when you were a kid, trying to avoid touching the floor when you walked? That’s kind of like me navigating a lockerroom without flipflops. I look at the nasty floor and all I can think is, “Plantar’s Warts!”

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