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Hey Girl: That’s Not Pretty

30 Apr

Image Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4yDNWlvK6s

If you’re friends with me on Facebook, then I apologize in advance: You’ve already had to weather this rant. And yet, it is worth repeating. To make it somewhat more bearable, I’ll try to channel Ryan Gosling. Indulge me.

Hey Girl,

I see you there with your super-firm thighs. Thighs that say “thank you” for attending pilates throughout the week. Thighs that could make Gallagher cry because they can split watermelons like a cashew in a nutcracker.

Those thighs? They got my attention.

But not just because they’re attractive. No.

Girl, I know you’re asking those thighs to do double-duty. That in addition to looking fine stacked up on a pair of Manolo Blahniks, they’re punching the clock doing overtime. Know how I know?

Because of that fine spray of pee all over the toilet seat in your office building’s communal bathroom. That’s right.

I can picture you there, standing like crane ready for construction, feeling the burn as you unburden yourself. 

And Girl, you must be exhausted from that effort. I mean, it is WORK to perch there like a hovercraft.  So no wonder you can’t find the strength to grab a tissue and clean that toilet seat off. Honestly, how could you?

I can’t fault you for that. But Girl, think of all the other ladies whose thighs aren’t as strong, who must sit on that toilet seat to relieve themselves. They end up sitting in a puddle of your pee. And I don’t know if you’ve seen these women, but their reaction to that isn’t one of loving kindness. No, Girl: It’s fury.

They make water cooler jokes about how they’re going to stalk you and hug you and pee on your legs. And these women? They’re a bit off-balance, so I’m concerned they might try. They’ve even gone so far as to use the office printer to make a note to hang in the bathroom, though they got distracted by a box of Girl Scout cookies before locating the tape to hang it. I’m telling you, they’re one step away from psychotic. I’m concerned for you.

But I don’t want to weaken your resolve or your thighs. I’m not proposing something dramatic, like expecting you to – God forbid – wipe the toilet seat after yourself. No, Girl. You’re too precious for that.

I have a better plan: Girl, we gotta work on your aim.

Kisses,

Ryan

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Making Friends at the Office

31 Mar
Ah yes...

Ah yes…

My office recently moved to a new location. The space is beautiful, and – as a special perk – we’re excited that the new ladies’ room has six stalls, automatic flushers and stall doors that lock. (I know: We’re SPOILED.)

We share our floor with four other tenants, one of whom I met the other day – as chance would have it – in the bathroom. Well, I didn’t really meet her, but I did encounter her.

I entered the bathroom and there she was, a set of feet peeking out of the second stall with pants pooled around her ankles. (Question: have you ever let your pants touch the floor of a public restroom? I go out of my way to hoist them so that my cuffs won’t even touch, but that might be my OCD shining through. Discuss.)

So I entered my stall and heard her talking. At first I thought it was to me, but then I realized – based on the incomplete sentences punctuated by silence – that she was on the phone. I was incredulous.

Screen Shot 2013-03-31 at 12.43.07 PM

 

Also? I did my best to pee as loudly as possible in an attempt to “out” her poor behavior. She remained unfazed.

“Must be talking with a family member,” I thought.

But then she said, “OK, Dave. Thanks for the update. I’ll  loop in the home office then circle back to you. Want to send me a meeting invite?” Which clearly isn’t anything you’d say to your spouse, right?

Before she could wrap up the call, I did what any normal person would do: I flushed. Twice. Just to make sure her colleague knew with certainty that she had called him from a bathroom stall.

If it happens again, I’ve already worked out my strategy. I’m going to pound on the stall wall and shout, “My God! Ever hear of a courtesy flush?”

I really love our new office.

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Duck, duck. Honk, honk.

19 Mar

Image Source: http://media.heavy.com/media/2011/01/boob1.jpg

In January I attended a training seminar on effective confrontations to evaluate its content for my company.

The highlight of the two-day workshop  occurred when one of my tablemates was sharing a story with the entire group – gesturing somewhat wildly with her hands – and another tablemate stood up to get a glass of water.

In itself, that’s not that remarkable. But the way it played out, the woman talking ended one of her big gestures with her hand somehow (accidentally) cupping the other woman’s breast.

The best part is that they were so stunned at how everything had worked out, they both just froze and stared at the hand on the breast.

I was thinking, “All right! Finally – a real life situation that requires confronting! I wonder how she’ll handle it?”

The woman who was standing to get water, who was funny and reminded me of Melissa McCarthy’s character in Bridesmaids said, “Hey there. Not what I was standing up to get!”

And the other woman  said, “Now this is suddenly very awkward.”

Everyone else cracked up.

And that’s when I confirmed something I’d long suspected: Humor is a great way to defuse an awkward situation.

So the next time someone at work is under-performing and it requires a confrontation, I’m going to remember to just grab him or her inappropriately in public. Because then I’ll be able to say, “Wow, this is sure awkward,” and then, when we’re both laughing I’ll say, “Now, seriously, I really need to talk to you about X.”

And they’ll be like, “What a relief. I’m glad it’s just a performance issue.”

…

DISCLAIMER: I do not suggest anyone actually practice the technique I’m proposing here. And in case any HR representatives are reading my blog: Don’t worry, I know that this is not the appropriate way to handle a performance issue. I know it’s a lot more effective to simply send a heated email to the person with a performance plan attached.

AMENDED DISCLAIMER: OK. Apparently sending a performance plan via email without a discussion is NOT the best way to handle a situation effectively. I wish someone had told me that in 2001, when I once made an entire office line up by a fax machine in alphabetical order so I could fax over their performance plans to them “discreetly.”

FINAL DISCLAIMER: Apparently this training sucked because I’m now “under investigation” for my “management practices.” I’d like a refund, please. 

FOR-REAL DISCLAIMER: Now you know why I won’t accept your friend requests on Facebook, HR.

Image Source: Dilbert.com

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Here’s how you win Top Chef.

15 Aug

Full disclosure: this post won’t actually tell you how to win Top Chef. But it might make you feel like a better cook after comparing your culinary skills to mine. Continue at your discretion.

I love to cook and I think I’m pretty good at it, but lately I’ve been copping out. You might have noticed that I’ve been posting less frequently and that the quality of the posts is, um, lacking.

It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that my eyes have been crossed with work since May. Lest you think I’m exaggerating: my OCD self has been tracking my work time in a spreadsheet and I’m putting in 60-80 hrs/wk. And (this is for you, Alan) I’m not even a lawyer! 

Bottom-line: I’ve been compromising on things I normally pride myself on: culinary feats, housekeeping, bill-balancing… grooming.

Before you get all judgmental on my ass: When you start working at 6am and stop at 10pm, it really doesn’t matter if you shower, because the fragrance you’re wearing is Crazy. And your outfit is Porky Pig. (Which means a shirt without pants, in case you missed that lesson.)

[Deep breath.]

Looks like pizza? Tastes like ass.

So back to cooking. I feel like I could write a cookbook for lazy chefs everywhere. Here’s a list of the top three meals I can make in under 15 minutes while hosting a conference call. Consider this my gift to you:

  • Toaster Pizzas! Kind of like the crappy Triscuit Pizza your friend’s mom tried to serve you in the 80’s when microwaves required lab goggles and a lead vest. But infinitely more awesome. Recipe: one English Muffin, pizza sauce, cheese, salami. Pop it in the toaster over and 10 minutes later… amazement!
  • Mexican Fiesta! Go ahead and mock me because it’s processed, but it’s better than appetizers in half the restaurants in this town. (If by “restaurant” you think I mean “bar happy hour spread.”) Recipe: one box Trader Joe’s mini beef tacos, one package Avocado’s Number Guacamole, also from Trader Joe’s. Pop tacos in the toaster oven. Accompany with one scoop of guacamole. Demolish.
  • Bastardized Wiener-Schnitzel! So this might actually qualify as cooking, but it’s shameful because there aren’t any veggies on the plate. Recipe: bread a pork chop with panko and parmesan. Boil spaetzel in a separate pot for 13 minutes while you fry the pork chop in olive oil. Once done, in the same pan: melt butter, white wine, capers, lemon juice, mushrooms and a tablespoon of good mustard. Dump sauce over drained noodles, throw the whole thing on top of the pork chop. Eat two of them and mentally don your lederhausen. Yodle.

Yes, there are more. So many more, I can’t continue listing them without shame. But if you’re curious, I recommend adding the following staples to your grocery list: kielbasa, gruyere, tomatoes, figs, bleu cheese, pesto, toilet paper.

Because it might taste good, but it’s rarely pretty.

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When Conference Calls Go Wrong…

21 Jun

If that headline means nothing to you, then you clearly don’t work in business. Or are still in high school. Because otherwise, you know: conference calls are recipes for disaster.

I mean, even a routine weekend call with my parents holding separate extensions in their home usually has at least one snag. (Namely, my dad deciding to take that moment to untwist the cord, which makes a crackling noise, prompting my mom to yell, “John! What the hell are you doing?”)

So take many people, put them on a shared line for 60 minutes and see what happens.

First, there is always THAT PERSON. You know the one. The person who – no matter how long s/he has worked at the company and how many calls s/he has been on – forgets the cardinal rule: Never Put The Call On Hold.

When pushing the HOLD button, that person sends a complex message, kind of like:

  • I’m the most important person on this call, so just cool your heels until I’m back.
  • I don’t know how technology works.
  • Sorry, I have REAL work to do, suckers.

Personally, I believe companies should have some forum where public shaming can occur in the wake of an incident like this. I mean, I’m not advocating disciplining or firing someone. No. But if peers could trash talk him/her for 24 hours without consequence, where a photo could be uploaded for a Dumbass Caption Contest?  Probably pretty effective at putting an end to that behavior.

I will go on record and admit: I have been that person. And I was publicly shamed. And it didn’t happen again. Which might be why I support that method.

You know who else there is? The person who doesn’t know how to mute his line. And who also happens to be related to Darth Vader. Or big on crank calls. Because without fail, there is always one person who breathes into the phone like it’s an oxygen mask, who makes people believe the call will be interrupted at any moment with the words, “Luke. I am your father.”

And if you’ve never heard that guy on your call? Sorry: it’s YOU. Find your mute button.

And yet, I can’t be too hard on him. Because I’ve also had issues with my mute button. I once ran to the bathroom when I thought I was both a) muted and b) on hold. Turns out neither was true. Fortunately, I’m good with improv so I think I successfully played it off as if I were washing dishes. Or owned a horse.

If you’re still not understanding what I’m talking about, watch this as a primer:

…

So today I was on a series of calls. On one call, to help people understand how excited her team was about something, my friend used a phrase like, “They lept up and squeaked like dolphins.” I appreciated the unique simile – it’s not every day I have to step back and think about what something might’ve looked like. So much better than a meaningless corporate cliché.

About that time in the background you could hear another person exiting their car, given away by the tell-tale beep signaling keys in the ignition. “What is that noise?” one of my colleagues asked.

“Sonar,” I told her. “Someone is approaching the office.”

On another call – one I was leading – I got all wound up and started pulling vocabulary words like I was playing Scrabble. Only in editing the recording did I realize I’d used the word “penultimate” incorrectly. Turns out, it doesn’t mean “the most amazingly awesome thing ever.” In Other Disappointing News, it means: next to last.

As in, that is the penultimate time I ever use that word.

And now for the part I really wish I were making up…

I was on another call today – a smaller call, with only about ten people in attendance. We were working out all aspects of a large program that is set to launch on Monday, so it was a pretty tense call. We were mapping out timelines, confirming action plans, working out worst-case scenarios.

As we wrapped up the call, a lot hung in the balance. Based on how each person leaving that call performed their piece – and any technical bugs they encountered – we would reach a “go” or “no-go” decision the next day. After recapping commitments, I thanked everyone and went to close the call by saying, “I’ll be waiting for your updates with bated breath.”

Except I got a little tongue-tied.

And instead, I closed the call by telling everyone, “I’ll be waiting for your updates with bated breasts.”

Speaking of mental images…

I can’t make this up people. There is actually a website that sells boob hooks.

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