The vet’s office is a zoo. Almost literally.

1 Sep


Five months ago, I was given a lecture when I took Miss Moneypenny to the vet. “She’s gained two pounds since you owned her. Careful with the treats. Her ideal weight is 10 lbs.” So when we got home, I scaled back her treats. And maybe her dry food a bit. And I may have made a few jokes in her presence about kitty cat fat camp.

In any case, when we went back to the vet a month later, they said, “Yeesh! She’s down to almost nine pounds. We better do a blood test.”

I tried to explain that her weight loss was deliberate, but they were hearing none of that. They did a blood test and called me two days later to say, “It’s as we suspected. Miss Moneypenny has a hyperactive-thyroid. It’s off the charts and you need to put her on medicine now or she’ll waste away.”

Here I thought I was the Jillian Michaels of feline fitness. So much for the Biggest Mewser™ business plan I’d started writing.

I have enough medical fights in my life with my GI Specialist, who is always trying to guilt me into taking medicines I fundamentally disagree with, so when it came to Miss Moneypenny, my response was, “Fine. What do I need to give her?”

Long story short, thirty days after beginning her medicine, we were back at the vet for a follow-up blood test to see if the medicine was effective. I made the mistake of showing up at 6pm on a week night, which is apparently when *everybody* takes their sick pets in. I feel like I can *almost* refer to the waiting room as “literally a zoo” and not be completely deserving of a grammar infraction.

The cast of characters featured a French Bulldog named Lily, a Whippit, a Great Dane named Annie, three other random dogs (beagle, boxer and chihuahua) and a few cats in carriers. Miss Moneypenny hates being in her carrier, which – considering it looks like a gym bag that a mobster might toss in the river – is not completely without reason – but she was surprisingly calm in the midst of the chaos. After screaming at everyone to announce her arrival, she kicked back and took a bath.

Hint: One of these is a falabella.

Hint: One of these is a falabella.

While we were sitting there, a woman showed up with a cute puppy named Teddy, who was to Golden Retrievers what a Falabella is to regular horses. (I’ve included a photo in case you’re too lazy to Google that reference.)

The dog was adorable, but wildly out of control. When his other mother showed up, he was so excited, I watched him scale her like a mountain goat. She was seated in a chair and Teddy was standing on her shoulders, totally wrapped around her  head.

As we waited (and waited) for Miss Moneypenny to get called back, I had ample time to observe Teddy and his lack of discipline. He was on a retractable leash and his owners let it out with abandon. They were lost in conversation so they didn’t notice when Teddy began chewing on a dog wearing a cone, or when he tried to butt-sniff a dog who clearly wasn’t feeling well.

Everyone in the waiting room began exchanging glances. Teddy was undeniably adorable, but his clueless owners were allowing him to be a bit of a nuisance. About this time, Teddy walked to the center of the waiting room and proceeded to take a leak that would do Austin Powers proud. The puddle was not insignificant.

Amazingly, his owners didn’t notice this, despite my repeatedly looking at Teddy, then looking at them. Everyone else in the waiting room was doing the same as we all wondered if we should say something or sit back and see how long it would take them to notice. We silently agreed to go the latter route until a few minutes later, when the pee was flowing along the grout between tiles and was about to soak the bag of one of the women.

“Excuse me,” another (nicer) woman called to her, “You might want to move your bag.”

At this, Teddy’s owner looked down, saw the approaching pee and grabbed her bag up with disgust. Then she traced the stream back to its pool of origin, which by this time had little Teddy paw prints in and out of it. If it were a crime scene, it would be an open-and-shut case.

And yet, she turned to her partner and said, “Oh my God – there’s a whole puddle of pee on the floor. Someone’s dog peed there!”

To which her partner asked, “Do you think it was Teddy?”

Without missing a beat, she said, “No – he went right before we got in the car.”

Let me point out – there were no other dogs remotely near the puddle and the only wet foot prints tracked directly to their dog. Everyone in the waiting room again exchanged wordless glances that – had we been playing charades – would’ve prompted a win for the phrase, “You must be shitting me.”

After sitting there for a few minutes, Teddy’s owner finally said – loudly enough for everyone to hear, “Well, I guess if the owner isn’t going to clean it up, I will.” And she huffed over to the desk and asked for paper towels. Um, thanks for the favor?

Let’s just hope she decides not to ever have a baby. Ever.

Oh – and in case you’re curious, Miss Moneypenny weighed in at 11.8 pounds, which apparently is now great. Whatever.


3 Responses to “The vet’s office is a zoo. Almost literally.”

  1. thesinglecell September 1, 2014 at 10:03 pm #

    This is weird. I was JUST thinking today, “You know, Pithy hasn’t written about Miss Moneypenny in a minute.” And here we are.
    Seriously, I was thinking that.
    I can’t believe none of you piped up. I guess this is why “The Real Housewives of DC” was cancelled; too much politeness. 😉

  2. dianeskitchentable September 4, 2014 at 1:57 pm #

    Quite the coincidence since I just had to take Moe the cat in for his annual checkup (yeah, the little guy who had to get his penis cut off a while back). So I’m waiting my turn when this extra large waddles in huffing & puffing. She walked up to the desk & was furious because the 2 women working were busy – 1 checking out a customer & the other had my Moe to take in back to clean him up after his ride (alas, Moe does not travel well so I try to plastic wrap my car for whatever comes out of either end) That meant that Jumbo actually had to wait for a minute. That made her really, really mad so she butted in on the poor woman who had the misfortune of being ahead of her & demanded to know, not just how many people were ahead of her – but WHICH people were ahead of her and how long would we all take. Then she started the finger jabbing at the poor gal and, I’m not making this up, said “You listen to me! I need a quiet room to bring my dogs in so they don’t get upset and 1 of them’s bleeding. I JUST BOUGHT A NEW CAR and I’m telling you right now – if anything happens to my BRAND NEW CAR I am not going to be a happy person” (hard to imagine someone less happy but I guess it could happen). The sweetheart at the desk did us all a favor & found an empty room for her to bring her dogs in – you know so they wouldn’t get all upset. Didn’t she bring in 3 of the most out of control, snarling, skidding full size poodles. I’m telling you, there was so much you could say about this woman & her thinking that I don’t even know where to begin but I’m wondering how she thought she’d get 3 dogs into her BRAND NEW CAR without some mishap at some point. People – you either see the best of them in vet’s offices or the worst, there’s just no middle ground.

    • pithypants September 14, 2014 at 7:40 pm #

      Three dogs and a BRAND NEW CAR seem like a disaster. You should’ve given her some plastic-wrap pointers!!!

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