Am I paranoid, or are you a creeper?

14 May

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Last week I stopped by Whole Foods on my way home from work to pick up dinner supplies. As is often the case, someone was conducting a wine tasting to promote a distributor’s offerings. Which explains how I found myself sipping a Spanish Tempranillo and chatting with the sales rep.

After telling me about the region in Spain where the wine came from, the rep changed gears. “I love your haircut,” she said. “Did you just come from the salon?”

Well, no. I’d actually just come from the gym. When I say I wasn’t having a good hair day, I mean it was kind of plastered to my head with sweat. Instead of insulting her taste, I simply said “thanks” and continued with the tasting. The cynic in me wondered if they’d found that flattery led to better sales.

While I sipped, she pulled out a brochure for the distributor. “I took these photos,” she told me. She then proceeded to flip through the brochure so quickly that I couldn’t actually SEE the photos that well, though  she did pause long enough to show me an unremarkable shot of a man standing in front of a group of people. “That’s the owner,” she said proudly.

I nodded with fake enthusiasm, then selected two bottles from her stash, thanked her, and moved on. A few aisles later, I had pre-buyer’s remorse and decided to only get one of the two bottles. Rather than walk back and interact with her again, I found the Spanish section of the wine shelf and set the bottle back with its peers.

Later, standing in the express checkout line that snakes its way back through the food bar and baked goods, I felt a tug on my sleeve. It was the woman from the tasting table. Apparently she’d abandoned her post. “Can I get a photo of you with the wine?” she asked. A weird request, but my first reaction was, “Crap. She’s going to bust me for putting the bottle back!”

Instead, I said, “Sure,” and picked up the bottle from my basket.

“No,” she said. “The other one.”

DAYUM. It seemed like a lot of effort to shame a customer for returning a bottle of wine, but I couldn’t imagine any other motive. “Sorry,” I offered. “I actually changed my mind on that bottle. I decided to just get the other one you offered.”

Without missing a beat, she said, “Oh, well, then… let’s do a photo with that one, I guess.”

Gamely, I lifted it clear of my basket and smiled.

“Can you hold it up next to your face?” she prodded.

So I did, trading looks with the people around me in line, as we all established that this lady was nuts.

I figured there was some other reason she actually wanted a photo of me. I don’t think it was because she liked my hair or wanted to show her boss that she’d sold a bottle of wine. My theory is that I look like someone she knows and she wanted proof to share with them – so she tried to construct  a plausible explanation for taking my photo.

But then I started to get paranoid that she was going to use it for some form of identity theft, though I couldn’t figure what good a snapshot of a face next to a wine bottle would do. By the time she’d gotten the photo, I was full on suspicious, so when she asked if I’d like her to send me a copy, I just looked at her, dumbfounded.

Um, no. Not giving you my email address, creeper.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is NOT how you hit your sales goals.

10 Responses to “Am I paranoid, or are you a creeper?”

  1. thesinglecell May 14, 2014 at 8:47 pm #

    She liiiiikes you, she wants to daaaate you…

    • Michelle May 14, 2014 at 8:56 pm #

      So awesome.

    • pithypants May 15, 2014 at 6:23 am #

      Am I *supposed* to be hearing Eddie Murphy in this comment?

      • thesinglecell May 16, 2014 at 9:11 pm #


      • thesinglecell May 16, 2014 at 9:12 pm #

        Also Sandra Bullock in “Miss Congeniality.” Which is an awful movie, but it’s where this quote was directly stolen from.

  2. Michelle May 14, 2014 at 8:52 pm #

    Maybe it wasn’t sales goals she was hitting on. 🙂

    • pithypants May 15, 2014 at 6:26 am #

      Well if that’s her move, I can understand why she’s single…

  3. Danielle May 19, 2014 at 3:38 pm #

    That is bizarre!

  4. emphasisonjoy May 25, 2014 at 7:46 am #

    Did you ever think that maybe she just wants your plastered-look haircut and needed a photo to show to her salon and THEN felt creepy so offered to send you one so you could see how lovely your hair is? Maybe she just felt sad for you that you couldn’t appreciate your own fabulous hair. Or that your taste in wine isn’t as good as she thought (clearly you picked the wrong bottle)? Honestly, you should have taken HER picture. That sounds like the safest thing to do next time 😉

    • pithypants June 8, 2014 at 7:00 am #

      Oh wise one, you’re right! I should’ve pulled the “let’s turn the tables” card. Next time…

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