Let’s start with a list:
- Gratitude.
- Condolences.
- Feelings.
- Shipments.
That’s pretty much the exhaustive list of things I believe should be expressed.
However, now that I’m the proud owner of a cat rescued from Methatopia, West Virginia, I’ve learned there’s something else that requires expressing: Anal Glands.
That’s right. I didn’t even know that was a THING.
Until one night when I was kicked back in my chair, reading, and Miss Moneypenny emerged from her litterbox. She strode confidently over to me, then sat down and proceeded to pull herself around on the floor using only her front legs, moving in an oddly fluid way, as if she were channeling the ghost of R2D2.
Obviously I had to burn and replace the carpet. But before doing so, I googled, “Cat Dragging Butt.” And because Google knows me, instead of pulling up helpful medical references, the first results displayed animated gifs. Which, admittedly, slayed me. But did nothing to help me diagnose Miss Moneypenny’s malady.
My next query was more fruitful, and was confirmed by my sister, who ALSO just adopted a vocal cat with butt issues. Apparently we’re scat magnets. “Sounds like her anal glands need expressing,” Alicia wrote. She then sent me a how-to video. I gagged and called the vet.
When I arrived at the vet, it was after working hours, so the waiting room was full. I approached the receptionist and tried to be discreet. “I’m hoping there’s a vet tech who can look at my cat,” I said.
Before I could get any further, she said, “What’s her name? Your cat?”
Me: Miss Moneypenny.
Receptionist, loudly: Oh yeah – she’s the one who needs her ANAL GLANDS EXPRESSED, right?
Me, softly: I’m not sure. She’s just started scooting around on the floor a bit.
Receptionist, loudly: It sounds like her ANAL GLANDS. Let me see if I can get a Vet Tech out here to EXPRESS HER ANAL GLANDS.
Me: Um, thanks.
I took a seat, sheltering Miss Moneypenny from the prying eyes of other patients who all seemed to be there for non-embarrassing routine procedures, like teeth cleanings and rabies vaccinations.
A vet tech appeared shortly, and asked a few more questions. The unwitting audience of other pet owners started making the sign of the cross on their chests, praying that they never had to bring their animals in for ANAL GLAND EXPRESSION.
Meanwhile, Miss Moneypenny cowered in her vented duffel bag carrier, growling. I could hardly blame her, especially when the vet tech grabbed the duffel and said to me, “You wait here. She’s going to be very mad at us. Better that you’re not in there…”
The rest of the appointment was uneventful – for me. I don’t even want to know what happened in the back. From the howls, I think it’s safe to surmise that Miss Moneypenny was not a model patient.
Later that night, I chatted my sister.
Me: Good job with the long-distance diagnosis of my cat’s butt.
Alicia: Was it her glands?
Me: Yes. They said it’s common in dogs, but pretty rare in cats. It’s weird that we BOTH just adopted cats with this issue.
Alicia: Hmmmm…
Me: Unless this is cats’ version of a gluten allergy? Maybe it’s suddenly trendy?
Alicia: I guess we’re just early adopters.
Me: We should get out ahead of this wave and write a cookbook. PAYDAY!
…
COMING SOON: You’ll be able to purchase our Cookbook for Kitties, called, “EXPRESS YOURSELF: Healthy Meals for Happy Cats.”
<–Not to be confused with THIS book, which seems to advocate COOKING cats. I guess we’re not the only trend-setters.
pithypants 
Oh my gosh I’m crying. So funny. Our Labrador/pit bull has to have her ANAL GLANDS EXPRESSED now and again and guess how we found out? She was licking and licking and licking her ass, which sounds gross in and of itself, but soon after there was a horrific smell. Excuse me but I must be truthful for the sake of blogging and pets and ANAL GLANDS. When Allie needs to be expressed, she licks and it smells like really rancid vagina. Or at least what we imagine it would smell like because mine smells like nothing at all, which is what vaginas SHOULD smell like, not flowers or strawberries or pineapple juice. Gross. Consider yourself lucky that all you had to replace was a patch of carpet. We had to wear nasal cannulas of oxygen and keep our Scentsys lit night and day for two weeks. Oh, and the groomers will do it as well. We go to Pet Smart.
SPEECHLESS. This makes me wish I could draw, because I’d make a little single-frame cartoon of a woman dropping her dog off at PetSmart. One groomer would be leaning to the other groomer, whispering, “I’m not sure why they keep bringing this dog in, but I sure hope that woman sees her doctor soon.”
I was reading this thinking, “I thought that was a dog thing.” The only time my cat dragged ass around my living quarters was when she had fleas. So… anal gland expressiveness is way better. FYI. Also she’s probably less likely to stink now.
Might be the only time I see “anal gland expressiveness is way better” in writing. Ever. Thanks for that.
And she never stunk, FTR. Apparently I caught it early. (Up-side to being OCD?)
Oh yeah, all you had to do is ask although it is pretty rare for a cat’s anal glands to get plugged up, usually that’s smaller yippy dogs. You made the right move having the vet do it though because you don’t want to be standing there when that stuff comes flying out! My cat kept getting blockages & it got to the point where he had to have his penis whacked off. Obviously he’s not crazy about going to the vet’s & when we had to take him back to have his stitches taken out he let loose on the vet – not only did he pee on her but he shot his anal glands off at the same time.
WAIT. The vet CUT HIS PENIS OFF? The whole thing? So do they make cat-heters? Do you change a little pee bag for him? I need more details.
yup, whack & in the wastebasket. Good questions though. First time he blocked (almost died) he did end up in Tufts on a cat-heter for about a week to get things flowing & get his fluid levels right($$$$). A month later I thought he’d blocked again & got him to the regular vet. Turns out his penis was trapped in scar tissue, probably from the cat-heter so they cut it off & turned him into a ?shim?.($$$) No bag although I did ask the vet that same question. He’s just a girl now. Licks it a lot like he’s hoping to find it but that could just be phantom limb pain or something. We’re thinking of changing his name to $Ka-Ching$. Morale of the story is to make sure they get enough fluids like in canned cat food. Rare but even girl cats can block.