Why You Aren’t Invited to My Wedding

13 Dec

…Namely, because I won’t be having one.

Ten Reasons I’m Not Interesting in Getting Married:

  1. Half of marriages end in divorce. I don’t see people rushing out to volunteer for anything else that has equal odds in ending in misery. I’m of the “If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it” philosophy. Why get cocky and publicly proclaim you’ll be side of the coin that lands face-up? Maybe just try enjoying what you have.
  2. You can keep your gifts.  I’m sure we can all point to at least one couple whose primary motivation for matrimony was the registry. For young, poor couples, I get it. But I’m not young or poor, so I’ll buy my own china, thanks.
  3. Choice is more attractive than obligation. I’d rather know that Alan stays with me because he’s delighted by me – not Image source: (c) pithpants 2012because the alternative just requires too much effort. (Delighted/tolerates – what’s the difference?) There’s something nice about being chosen day after day.
  4. Married couples let themselves go. Many people act like marriage is the goal – and once they arrive there, they kick up their heels, eat some Ho-Hos and call it a day. The men stop working out, the women stop wearing make-up… people start using the bathroom with the door open. I’m not superficial, but I like the idea of a little effort.
  5. Weddings aren’t for the couple. Sure, weddings allow you to publicly express your commitment, but mainly they’re a way to gain approval from society for living together and having babies. I’m not interested in having babies (have you met me?) and I’m too difficult to live with (again – have you met me?), so I really don’t need anyone’s approval.
  6. It’s no one’s business. When you remove kids from the equation, why does it matter to other people how long Alan and I intend to be together? It shouldn’t – they’re not in this relationship.
  7. Speaking of – I don’t need the government (or God) in my business. I’m not a Libertarian or anything, but I don’t see any value in allowing the government to define my relationship. Nor do I believe there’s a Higher Power who can bind my fate to another human’s. If that worked, I don’t think we’d see so much divorce.
  8. People change. Hopefully they grow together, but not always. Seems foolish to say you’ll be together forever without knowing how you’ll grow. Make a commitment to be honest with each other and embrace each other’s changes – then see what happens. Seems like it increases the odds of growing the same direction by addressing it head-on.
  9. I’m not a wedge-driver. Even if I loved the idea of marriage, I’m not interested in obtaining a status my gay friends can’t have. As long as marriage is only a status allowed to certain couples, count me out. It’s like a caste system for recognizing love. I don’t want to take away from couples whose commitment is every bit as strong as mine – by being in a category they can’t access.
  10. White is not my color. Everyone knows it adds ten pounds. Not the direction I’d like to head in.

That said, it’s somewhat ridiculous to be pushing 40, referring to Alan as my boyfriend as if we were teenagers. Or calling him my partner, only to have people wonder, “Business partner? Or is she gay?”

It irritates me that people need to assign a label to a relationship they aren’t in. Or that two people loving each other without conforming to traditional labels confuses them. Not. My. Problem.

And yet… while we aren’t willing to hop down the aisle, force friends to fly into DC for an expensive party, or sign a piece of paper saying we’ll allow a judge to determine when we’re no longer compatible, we DO want to head a lot of this nonsense off at the pass.

So we’ve exchanged rings. Not in a ceremony. Not with an audience. And not with any vows other than what we tell each other through our actions on a daily basis. But hopefully these rings help explain – without words – how we view ourselves. Regardless of what we call each other.

Please save your notes of congratulations or deep soliloquies on the topic of commitment. We’ve been here for a while. Thanks for catching up. Hopefully our rings will force a lot of well-intending people from asking when we’ll get married. Because for all the reasons expressed above: it kind of seems beside the point.

And now…

The #1 Reason I Might Regret This Decision…

Not ever getting a chance to film moments like these:

14 Responses to “Why You Aren’t Invited to My Wedding”

  1. Kelly December 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm #

    Well said.

    • Kathleen December 13, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

      Ditto. AND I ‘heart’ you!

      • pithypants December 13, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

        I *heart* you too, Kathleen. Perhaps you’d also like to give me a ring?

      • Kathleen December 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

        I have many, but none as beautiful as that one so I think you’re good :-)!

  2. Barbara December 13, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    I love this post so much 🙂

    • pithypants December 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

      Thanks! Glad you could see through the sassiness. 🙂

  3. Alicia December 13, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    I like to think the whole post is just a ruse for linking to the wedding fail videos. Best wishes.

    • pithypants December 13, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

      Basically… I’ve discovered drunk wedding videos are almost as funny as models falling!

  4. Trixi (Alicias friend) December 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

    You don’t need a wedding to get video footage like this. Just come to one of our regular parties or Sunday afternoon gatherings.

    • pithypants December 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

      Ha! I’ve decided that piggybacks are ill-advised in any situation.

  5. dianeskitchentable December 13, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    Wow – a voice of reason & a good dose of reality. Very well stated but you forgot my personal favorite: the bride who buys the Vera Wang gown, gets hammered & proceeds to vomit all over her $12,000 dress.
    Love that ring!

    • pithypants December 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

      Right you are! I should’ve pointed out a) I’m cheap so I think I’d barf at spending money on a dress I could only wear once, and b) I *do* love wine, so… I should revise this to reflect 12 reasons. Thanks!

  6. Amy December 31, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

    I love, love, love this post and couldn’t agree more. After being in 5 weddings, and attending what feels like a million others – I’m so over it (although, I was never the type of girl to play “wedding” as a kid anyway). IMO, it’s an absurd waste of money being spent on meeting people’s expectations all while being justified by the shallow excuse of “it’s my special day”.
    After 8 years of dating my boyfriend, he caved to family pressure and offered me his great grandmother’s beautiful engagement ring…I also caved and said yes. Our families couldn’t be happier (literally, my parents thanked me for saying “yes”). Now, we’re just hoping that we can go another 8 years with this new status and hopefully everyone will forget…but that’s not likely with my large Italian family…
    Perhaps I should just carry this list around with me to give to people who are confused as to why we haven’t picked a date “yet”. Thank you for hitting every point on the head (and congrats 🙂 ).


  1. Gesammelte Links 8 | nicolasheinzelmann.com - December 15, 2012

    […] Gründe, die gegen das Heiraten sprechen: Why You Aren’t Invited to My Wedding […]

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