Pesky? I prefer “clever.”

27 Apr

I don’t own a television. I’m not saying that in a superior way, the way vegetarians inform you that they won’t eat flesh. I don’t have a television because a) I prefer to read, b) I think they detract from a room’s design, and c) I’m too cheap to pay for cable.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t watch television. Admittedly, it’s probably amounts to only two hyper-calculated hours per week, but still – I’m not living in a total cultural void. Alan serves as my enabler. HE believes in television, so he records Mad Men shows we both enjoy, and I venture his way once a week to watch them.

And when the shows we watch are off-season, we check out a new series (most recently Breaking Bad) using his Netflix account. Kindly, he has lent me his password so that I can occasionally access something without him. I rarely do it (did I mention: I like to READ), but periodically I do hop in there and make his queue a bit more, um, interesting. I think he appreciates it.

Here is what I added last night:

  • Reach for MeWhen his new hospice roommate — 25-year-old Kevin — moves in, the quiet life of senior citizen Alvin turns upside down. (Don’t you think Alan will LOVE that?)
  • Politics of LovePolitics makes strange bedfellows, but never stranger than when a sexy, savvy, African-American Republican reluctantly falls for his counterpart: a beautiful Indian-American Democratic campaign volunteer. (Timely. It IS election season, after all. And before you try to claim this must be sci-fi because there are no African American Republicans, let me remind you: Michael Steele.)
  • Don’t Go Breaking My Heart: Recently widowed mother of two Suzanne catches the eye of her dentist, who secretly hypnotizes her during an appointment to make her fall for him. (Because nothing says SEXY like a medical professional taking advantage of you while you’re in the chair for a procedure. THAT is the stuff dreams – and lawsuits – are made of.)
  • The Human Centipede 2:A disturbed loner is so obsessed with the shocking horror film The Human Centipede that he decides to replicate the movie’s grisly experiment. In this metasequel, the stakes are raised as 12 unlucky souls endure surgical hell. (Actually, I think Alan might have added this one himself. Nevermind.)
  • The Minis: Worried he can’t afford his son’s tuition, Roger — a little person — tries to get his friends to enter a basketball tournament with a big prize. (I would like to meet the screenwriter who thought, “Ah ha! Little person, big prize!” And then punch him in the face.)

The best part of meddling with Alan’s queue isn’t even watching him sift through the items that populate it. It’s seeing the “intelligent” recommendations at populate as a result. The formula I just created with these movies looks something this:

Hospice + racial/political switcheroo + widowed date-rape + human centipedes + Dennis Rodman =

Netflix's "Recommended for Alan" pick.

Actually, that sounds about right. I guess technology IS smarter than we are.

9 Responses to “Pesky? I prefer “clever.””

  1. dianeskitchentable April 27, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    Yeah!!! I can’t believe there’s another person on this planet who doesn’t watch tv & reads. I don’t even know how to turn the stupid tv on (all those clicker things) but my husband “needs” it to watch sports. I guess I cheat though by watching the Jon Stewart show the next day on the computer. Does that count?

  2. popdialectic April 27, 2012 at 10:53 am #

    Even *if* I’m responsible for Human Centipede 2, which I dispute, there’s an argument to be made that your movie choices are even more messed up. I’m going to 1) watch the Cult of Cartman, and 2) change my password. So there, pesky.

  3. The Byronic Man April 27, 2012 at 11:19 am #

    If there’s ever been a time to own a TV, arguably it’s the last 10 years or so. A lot of crap, but some of the best things ever created for the medium. The Wire, Sopranos, The Shield, Arrested Development, etc.

    • pithypants April 27, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

      But I can watch all that on my laptop! And it slides under the couch when I’m done so it doesn’t tie up wall space. Woot!

  4. thesinglecell April 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

    You will need something that enables you to watch the made-for-TV movie that’s bound to come out about the John Edwards trial. I’ve half-written it already. There. It goes with your Politics of Love selection. Except it’s racist because errybody white.

    • pithypants May 3, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

      See? Proof I do NOT need a television. Because I can just read your blog and it’s like right in front of me!

  5. cassiebehle April 30, 2012 at 3:09 pm #

    Ya had to post this, just when I had FINALLY gotten the idea of the Human Centipede movie out of my mind. I’m going to go cry quietly in my (triple-locked) apartment now.

    • pithypants May 3, 2012 at 9:14 pm #

      Good luck with that, Cassie. A human centipede can flatten itself and slide under locked doors. Or pick the lock with its 1000 fingers?

      • cassiebehle May 4, 2012 at 9:09 am #

        Oh, that’s just mean.

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