Stream of Consciousness: Giddy’up!

12 Apr

Guess which one I would like to ride?

Alan loves to ride horses. So much so that he has a cowboy had from Colombia that he wears whenever he thinks he’ll even be in close proximity to a horse. Me? Not so much. It’s probably because I’m a control freak, but I do not derive enjoyment from being saddled to the back of a thousand-pound beast.

[I know, I don’t like babies or horses. Clearly I’m a witch. You probably think I punch kittens in my free time.]

And yet, the other weekend we went to the Marriott Ranch in Hume, VA to do just that. Here’s a glimpse inside my brain during that 90 minute horsey ride…

Please, please, please give me a good horse. Not a stumbly-horse or a huge horse.

How about that little number? It looks like a low-rider horse – definitely my speed.

Shit. Of course they put the 4′ tall chick on that horse.

You would think she’d want to compensate for being short by riding a TALL horse.

Oh. This is my horse? Applejack?

OK, Applejack. It’s just you and me. Please be an awesome horse.

Applejack. That’s actually a good name for a horse. But a dumb name for a cereal.

Would’ve been slightly more awesome if he (she?) was named Blackjack.

God I’m glad they didn’t put me on a horse named War Horse. That would’ve sucked.

Hey there! Applejack! Why are you twitching? Calm it down, boy. Girl?

[I notice flies crawling on Applejack, causing the twitching, and try to shoo them away while not letting go of the reins or the saddle. This results in me essentially blowing on Applejack’s mane and rubbing him with my elbows. Which probably looked crazy. At this point, we headed off down the trail.]

Whoa. Whoa. Slow down. No need to bury your nose in Alan’s horse’s ass, Applejack.

Why is it called horseback riding anyway? Why not just horse riding?

What other part are you going to ride? The head?

Oh crap – stream challenge! That thing looks filled with rocks – PLEASE Applejack, place your feet carefully!

Whew. Good job. Whoa. So good that you’re going to stop walking and take a celebratory leak, huh?

OK. And we now KNOW that you are a boy, Applejack. Well done!

And I now know what it means to piss like a horse: apparently it means leaving a foamy pile of bubbles in your wake.

OK. And we’re walking again.

This is as terrifying as flying in an airplane. I hate giving up control!

I’m sorry you have to climb this hill with me on your back, Applejack!

Oh my God – what if Applejack stumbles and falls and crushes me under his weight?

Wait – that is not very likely. When is the last time you saw a horse trip and fall? Ever?

I spent the rest of the ride trying to imagine a scene in which a horse did a somersault.

I’m so glad I found this video AFTER the ride:

9 Responses to “Stream of Consciousness: Giddy’up!”

  1. thesinglecell April 12, 2012 at 10:46 am #

    Combination of guffaws and never-thought-of-thats. Congrats on your ride! Two of my sisters and my mom went horseback riding in Colorado years ago. Just for a day. They gave my sister a horse named Kenny. Oh, did I mention this was in South Park, Colorado? She’s lucky she didn’t die. PS OMG that horse video… O. M. G. Do you think s/he was mocked mercilessly after that?

    • pithypants April 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

      Let me get this straight. Your sister rode a horse named Kenny in South Park? Did the horse wear a hoodie that obscured his face?

      • thesinglecell April 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

        She did. I was not there to see said horse. I think I was in a hot tub. Best part? My sister was unaware of the show, its characters or the reason I found it absolutely hilarious that her horse’s name was Kenny.

  2. Karen in East Texas April 12, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    You crack me up, and that’s a good thing.

    Hope you at least enjoyed it a little bit.

  3. Tracy April 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm #

    Died laughing, I thought the same thing about the peeing. Applejack was the horse behind me that kept aggravating my horse when I went this last Saturday as part of a Living Social deal.

  4. cassiebehle April 16, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    I want like, five Applejacks when I grow up. The horse, not the cereal. Both would be fine though. God I’m hungry. For cereal, not for horses.

  5. squirrel circus April 22, 2012 at 4:52 pm #

    Glad you survived. I’m sure that Applejack felt like it was a life-changing experience, too. 🙂

  6. Karen May 27, 2012 at 5:37 pm #

    What’s up with the nonchalant reactions from the two guys? Does this horse somersault all the time?

    • pithypants May 27, 2012 at 7:08 pm #

      Maybe you’d be less impressed if you knew the horse’s name was “Mary Lou Retton?” Just a wee bit?

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