I would consider owning a television, mate.

18 Sep

Even the weather is entertaining because of the town names.

I’ve now been back from Australia for almost a month, so this is a bit, um, untimely. Whatever. I just stumbled across some notes I took while watching television my last night in Sydney. Since I don’t have a television at home, it hadn’t occurred to me to reach for the remote before then, and it’s one of my only regrets. Australian telly is entertaining.

On a cooking show:

Describing herring: “It’s knobbish.”

Instructions for crushing garlic: “Smash it. Just wail on it, mate.”

On an entertainment show, interviewing a celebrity about his stay in rehab:

“I wasn’t downstairs in the drug and alcohol unit. I was upstairs in the mood unit.”

Mood unit? That sounds like a gaping hole in the American health system.

They have a show that is like “The Bachelor” in the US. Except the Australian version is called, “The Farmer Wants a Wife.” Seriously. And it features six farmers who – you guessed it – want wives.

On Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, the contestant passed on this question:

Fill in this song: “I want to wake up in the city that never…”

When given multiple choices, she couldn’t decide between “ceases” and “sleeps.”

Even better, the host mispronounced ceases as CREASES.

And the contestant still got it wrong.

Also on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

When trying to select “Capuchin Monkey” as the animal in Hangover II, the contestant instead called it a, “Cappuccino Monkey.” Not sure why this tickled me so much.

Last reference from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

The contestant had to determine which charity was the beneficiary of a large fundraiser earlier that year. He ruled out “Save the Children” right out of the gate, but it was his rationale that made me laugh. “Why would they need fundraiser? Everyone already wants to save children.”

On the news:

A woman’s death (which had previously been ruled a suicide) was re-examined in light of new evidence. The evidence? A spear-throwing reinactment showing that the woman could not have jumped to her death, but could only have arrived in that position if thrown by a master spear-thrower. Because that’s a common skill.

Other Observations

This is where my notes get a bit fuzzy because I’d had a sleeping pill so I’d be well rested for my flight home. I won’t even TRY to make sense of them. Here’s the stream of consciousness: 

All the websites mentioned on commercials in with .com.au. How much would that suck to have to clarify your country after .com?

Apple commercials use American voiceover talent, not Aussies. I wonder if that makes Apple products seem more modern, or if people find it insulting to get technology lectures from Americans.

Even their channels have cool names: 7 Mate.

Awesome Australian words: Brekkie. Nibbles.

Carbon Tax in Australia. Why didn’t we think of that? Oh, because we are too busy trying to pretend we aren’t causing Global Warming. No wonder other countries can’t stand us.

I could become addicted to “Bondi Rescue” – it’s like “Cops” but about the lifeguards at Bondi Beach. And they’re constantly pulling people out who are caught in rips or have their heads split open by surf boards.

Finally, eyes heavy under the weight of pharmaceuticals, I managed to click the “off” button. I slumbered and awoke to a city that never creases.

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9 Responses to “I would consider owning a television, mate.”

  1. silentsarcasm September 18, 2011 at 8:55 pm #

    Have you ever tried watching the cheap local news stations? They’re the best because they make mistakes in like every other story, miss their cues, and don’t relieze when the camera’s on or off.

  2. skippingstones September 18, 2011 at 9:01 pm #

    This is funny stuff. I have plenty of televisions in my house, just no cable or satellite service, so when I went on vacation in August, I also forgot to click on the television until about 4 days in. I do buy a lot of movies and any television shows I really really like. I don’t like a quiet house, so I basically watch all the stuff I own over and over, even if it’s just running in the background. So I never know what’s going on in the real world, but I know every episode of The Office almost by heart.

    I would definitely have been interested in some of that Australian television. It sounds kind of exciting, what with people being thrown spear-style and cities with creases and garlic smashing, not to mention Bondi Beach.

  3. H.E. ELLIS September 18, 2011 at 9:01 pm #

    Wow. My country makes no sense (I’m American, by the way).

  4. Lorna's Voice September 19, 2011 at 3:55 pm #

    I’m amazed at how much of American culture has creeped in and corrupted other countries. You gave very funny examples of how that happened, but it is kind of scary how the one way that the the US is a world leader anymore is in trash media…

    I’m really glad I don’t live in a city that never creases, but that doesn’t explain why my laundry always does…

    • Lorna's Voice September 22, 2011 at 6:29 am #

      Hey, just wanted you to know I’m nominating you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Just go to my blog post today to get the “poop” on it. Should you accept the nomination, you have a few things to do, but I think they are worth it. You sure are! 🙂

      • pithypants September 23, 2011 at 6:54 pm #

        Thanks! I actually have a backlogged post I’ve been meaning to publish on this topic. Thanks for the nudge!

  5. Lucas September 19, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    We need to compare Aussie notes sometime. And I will recommend you to some Aussie friends. And the Bronx Rocker. It’s an Aussie posing as an American hairband singer. I suspect it’s my buddy, but I can’t get him to admit it. Also, as a side note, it’s items like these that allow me to seem almost unbelievable when I’m in conversation sometimes.

    • pithypants September 19, 2011 at 9:31 pm #

      So THAT is who the hairband dude is you recommended. I was wondering about that…

  6. whatimeant2say September 19, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    That really makes me smile. Thanks for sharing those! I really think we need to add “Mood Units” to our rehab facilities.

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