Using this logic, my kitchen is now full of trophies.

4 Aug

Earlier this week I mentioned that I don’t do “sick” very well. I didn’t elaborate, because I hate it when people hijack my Facebook feed with an on-going list of symptoms. This is how that usually plays on on my Facebook Wall:

Them: Wah! Wah!

Me: Click.

Them: Permanently hidden.

Someone once told me that there are three things no one (excepting maybe relatives) really cares to hear you talk about: 1) Your dreams, 2) Your vacations, 3) Your children. I think we should amend that statement and add 4) Your health.

The only time I want to hear about someone’s health is if something YouTube worthy has happened to them. Like a botfly larvae has been pulled from their body. Or their bowel movements have crippled an entire municipality’s sewage system. You get the idea.

So I tried not to be that person, with the exception of one very whiney Facebook Status I posted Monday night after tossing sleeplessly in bed with a fever of 101, punching my pillow and offering to make a deal with the devil that apparently wasn’t good enough for his consideration. Self-pity at its finest.

I’m now going on Day 5 of a miserable sinus infection, though, so I kind of need to talk about it. But I promise, I’ll boil it down to the highlight reel of observations and revelations from the past few days:

This is not me. I don't wear clean clothes when I'm sick. Besides, blur your eyes and pretend it's Oprah.


If you’re new to the Netty, let me start with a description: A NettyPot looks like a little “I Dream of Jeannie” lamp, except instead of a genie coming out of it, imagine shoving it up your nose and using it to pour salt water through your sinuses with the water (and whatever nuggets it has picked up along the way) draining out your other nostril. Or, if that’s too artistic, just imagine sticking your face in a swimming pool and intentionally snorting the water up your nose. Because it’s pretty much the same feeling and effect.

Except, tear-causing as it is, I love it. It makes me feel like I’m doing something. And also, Oprah is a big fan of the NettyPot, so whenever I’m tipped over my sink, watching mucus loose itself from my nasal cavity, tears running down my face, I like to imagine the face looking back at me in the mirror is Oprah’s. And then I smile.

Finally, a tip about the Netty. I tend to be a bit OCD about finding efficiencies. I’ll admit, it has its flaws — like when I save time in our office bathroom by leaving the stall door open, thinking I have the bathroom to myself. And it turns out I don’t. Or, with regard to the Netty, when I thought it would be a great idea to combine my Netty flush with a shower. Let me just say, if you’re so sick that you haven’t been able to shower in three days, standing in the path of your nasal run-off is not the answer.

Other Related Nonsense

A bout of online searching led me to a homeopathic treatment option which entailed drinking hot water and apple cider vinegar with lemon and honey. Everyone swore by it, and since even if they were bathshit crazy they could function on the internet I had nothing to lose, I found myself making my first excursion in days: to the store to buy some vinegar and a lemon.

The thing is, when you’re sick and have been living in sick world, you aren’t thinking too clearly. At least, that’s my excuse for how I managed to get all the way to WholeFoods before realizing I was wearing yoga pants, a men’s t-shirt stained with hair dye and mismatched flip flops. Whatever.

I got home, made the remedy and tossed in a Berry Zinger tea bag for good measure, thinking it would mask the 1/3 cup vinegar I was about to consume. Let’s just say the operative word is Zinger, because there is no way to conceal vinegar when it’s 20% of the beverage. You’d have a better chance of hiding George Clooney in the Vienna Boys Choir.

When I first sipped the tea, I found myself rolling it around a bit on my palette, as if it were wine, trying to find the right words to describe it. But the second taste was more of a swig than a sip, designed to get as much down quickly as possible. About that time my stomach started to rumble. Um,  this helps my sinuses how?

And so, in a post that started about Facebook and how annoying it can be when people are sick, I’m here to tell you that the internet also serves a purpose. No, that cider remedy did not miraculously cure me. So how did the internet redeem itself?

Facebook provided the bright spot in my day. Despite being sick, I was amazingly productive  at work, cranking out projects for ten hours without interruption. I was feeling pretty cocky about all I had accomplished when I bounced over to Facebook at the end of the day, ready for a breather.

There, from the Diet Mt. Dew Facebook Fan page, like a fortune cookie made just for me (and the 46,170 other followers), was the following message:

“Pretty sure you all just knocked Wednesday out of the park!”

Why yes, I did. Thank you for noticing.

And that’s when I knew it was time to call the doctor: You know you’re sick when you seek validation from an aluminum can.

Awards for being awesome. Courtesy of Facebook and the Easter Bunny.

4 Responses to “Using this logic, my kitchen is now full of trophies.”

  1. Lorna's Voice August 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

    You’re still sick and writing this witty, funny stuff? Maybe that vinnegar did more than you think it did.

    My grandmother always gave me blackberry brandy or whiskey when I was sick. We all know how that turned out for me in the long run, but in the short run, it sure cleared my little-girl sinuses and helped me sleep. Just a thought…

    • pithypants August 4, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

      Actually, give me 24 more hours and I may be hanging out a shingle as a witch doctor, using vinegar as my miracle cure. It’s too early to say, but I *did* feel about 50% better today — enough so that I made it to the office. Maybe I’m batshit crazy too.

  2. Sara no "H" August 4, 2011 at 6:12 pm #

    I think they used to call those “Hot Toddies” or something along those lines but you used whiskey instead of vinegar. 😉

    • pithypants August 4, 2011 at 7:56 pm #

      This is exactly why the Amish shouldn’t use the internet: You end up with vinegar substituting for whiskey.

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