Who knew I would actually give a shit about the Royal Wedding?

29 Apr

I swear, I haven’t been obsessing about the Royal Wedding. It actually wasn’t even on my radar until I awoke this morning at 5:30 and saw comments on my Facebook news feed. But then I just HAD to turn it on.

And I found myself smiling, and crying, and getting irrationally emotional about an event that affects me in absolutely no way at all. I couldn’t help it — there’s something great about seeing two people so giddily in love that they’re sneaking private glances and beaming uncontrollably in the middle of an otherwise proper event loaded with pomp and circumstance.

So a few of my observations:

Kate is beautiful. But she may pass out. Is she wearing a corset? Look how shallow her breathing is.

That tiara? Oh I could definitely wear that. Go Cartier.

Whoa. Eugenie and Beatrice look like Cinderella’s evil step-sisters. The hats certainly aren’t helping. And I bet the chunky one hates her thin sister. And why do they look so absolutely different? Did Fergie cheat on Andrew?

Harry. You may look like Butthead with your flaring nostrils and flaming red hair, but there’s still something about you that is immensely likable. The way you had William cracking up on his way into the church makes me think you’d be fun to have at a party.

Cross-eyed flower girl? I’ll leave it at that. And burn in hell for even touching it. (Updated: apparently I won’t be the only one, however, as “cross-eyed flower girl” was the most common search term leading to my blog during the 24 hours following this post going live.)

The peal of church bells as Kate arrived at (and left) Westminster gave me goose bumps.

The priest who actually married them = boring. The Bishop who started his speech with, “Be what God intended you to be, and you will set the world on fire” = awesome and jolly. MUCH better.

Kate’s family = exceptionally attractive and classy for being Commoners. Siblings are down-right hotties, though her brother read as if people had screamed at him during the rehearsal for going too quickly. A. PAUSE. FOR. EACH. WORD.

Can someone people help me explain how a Spice Girl has enough staying power that she was able to land little DavidBeckham and score an invite to this wedding? Ditto Guy Ritchie. Thank God Simon Cowell wasn’t there or I would really being to think the Windsors a bit gauche.

Kate’s sister = beautiful and good spirited. If I’d been relegated to holding hands with pre-schoolers all day while my sister sported Cartier, I would’ve been surly. Or drunk.

Am I the only dipshit that didn’t realize “God Bless America” is the same tune as “God Save the Queen?” I like the “in your face” quality of that move by our forefathers. Not only did we revolt, we stole their song. And as I commented on Facebook, I think it would be funny if the Queen pointed at herself throughout the song or made thumbs-ups whenever the camera flashed on her.

And finally, while the kiss (or KISSES, as the case may be) were very touching, somehow I think this photo will go down in history as a classic:

Image source: Matt Dunham AP

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2 Responses to “Who knew I would actually give a shit about the Royal Wedding?”

  1. Alicia May 3, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

    ” If I’d been relegated to holding hands with pre-schoolers all day while my sister sported Cartier, I would’ve been surly. Or drunk.”

    You were. And you were. 😛

  2. Alicia May 3, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    p.s. That was supposed to be a bitchy tongue out emoticon (colon, “P”) not some damn happy face. WordPress sucx.

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