My nephew is a tough critic.

13 Apr

My sister and her family came out to visit last week since it was Spring Break in Michigan. Sadly, DC didn’t deliver its usual dose of spring beauty – it was unseasonably cool (high of 50!) and rainy while they were here. Bummer.

The trip did allow for a revelation: I decided my youngest nephew (now eight years-old) should host a reality show. He’s cut from the cloth of Simon Cowell.

It was his first time visiting my new place, so he paced around inspecting it. “This is really nice,” he pronounced. “But you know what you need? You need a 48″ flatscreen right above your fireplace. That would make it better.”

“Nah,” I told him. “Televisions are for boring people who can’t entertain themselves.”

He considered that. “Not really. You could also use it to play Wii, and you can learn a lot from a Wii.” Noted.

The next morning I was sitting in the living room working on my laptop. “You’re boring,” he said. “All you do is sleep and work on your computer. You even have your groceries delivered. Do you ever leave your house?”

Ironically, I generally walk about 25 miles per week, but I didn’t bother to correct him. “Not really,” I said.

“Never?” he asked.

“Have you seen me leave?” I pushed.

He thought about that for a while. But his next observation didn’t have to do with my lethargy. Instead, he offered up, “Did you know you have bags under your eyes?”

I nodded. “Yep. I can thank Gran for those. I have dark circles even when I’m not tired.”

He continued, “And when you first got up this morning, you had a LOT of wrinkles on your face.”

Someone is rapidly earning an awesome birthday present! By which I mean a turd with a bow on it.

I decided to end this line of observations, “That was actually an imprint from my iPod headphones. I listen to it while I sleep.”

“No,” he continued. “This wasn’t just one line. It was wrinkles. But it’s OK. You’re young. My teacher has a lot more wrinkles.”

“How old is she?”

“About 50.” Awesome. So I look slightly better than a fifty year old.

I decided to just dig into my work.

“What are you doing,” he asked.

“Working.”

“Tell me what you do for a living and I’ll make some software recommendations for you,” he offered.

WHAT? Where did this come from? Software recommendations? Is my eight year-old nephew secretly a consultant for Microsoft?

“I work with graphic designers and marketing people,” I explained.

He appeared thoughtful. “It sounds like you need a program that would help you make posters. Tell me some more…”

(Actually, I wanted to tell him, I need a program that can help me extract my head from my ass. But I’m pretty sure they don’t have anything for that.)

He did manage to redeem himself later in the weekend by telling his brother that “Morning are great with Aunt Wis! We sit around and have great conversations.”

And when I fired up the Black-Eyed Peas one night so we could dance, he told me I got to be Fergie, so I think he’s cutting me some slack on the wrinkles and baggy eyes. At least he didn’t tell me I need to lose weight. Could’ve been worse.

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2 Responses to “My nephew is a tough critic.”

  1. Michele April 13, 2011 at 9:05 am #

    This is too funny! I could totally picture you sitting having this serious converstion with an 8 year old! I wish I had conversations like this with my 8 year old nephew!

  2. Terese April 15, 2011 at 2:49 pm #

    So adorable!

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