Mottos & Slogans: FAIL

6 Jan

Today, during a trip to the bathroom, I got to thinking about slogans and mottos. I know, it doesn’t seem a likely place to ponder such things, but if – like me – you walked in while someone was clearly in the clutches of food poisoning (at least I *hope* for her sake that wasn’t normal), I’m sure that you, too, would’ve had this flash of brilliance:

“Office Bathrooms: Home of the Courtesy Flush”

It appeared in an instant, and although I was trying to wash my hands as fast as humanly possible, I couldn’t help but get the giggles. It made me wonder if there is a place – anywhere in the world – that proudly sports the phrase “Home of the Courtesy Flush” in pseudo-seriousness? (If you’re aware of such a place, please let me know so I can advise this woman on where she might find her long lost sisters.)

Of course, it’s impossible to think about slogans without immediately conjuring up an image of Trenton, New Jersey’s bridge. Poor martyred Trenton, saddled with, “Trenton Makes The World Takes,” written in lights across a bridge.

I’m not sure what marketing genius came up with that one, but about the only thing nice I can say about it is that it rhymes. Otherwise, I can’t imagine people flocking to a place that sounds like it has its hands in its pockets, kicking a can down the street, mumbling, “Woe is me, friggin’ takers.”

Being curious, I did a few Google searches to see if there were any other places that possessed odd mottos. I didn’t come up with any legitimate contenders, but I *did* find a “Guess the Town” contest in Minnesota where clues were given and people took a stab at identifying the location. In the thread I saw, the featured town was Winsted, Minnesota, which proclaims itself to be, “Home of the ‘Winstock’ Country Music Festival.”

One fairly person who participated in the contest (and didn’t win) proposed that the following information would be better suited to this town:

  1. Motto: Milkin’ It All Day
  2. Logo: An image of a cow’s head
  3. History: None

As his grand adieu, he suggested the following hint would’ve been more helpful in guiding him to the town’s identity: “That ain’t a golf ball he’s whacking with a stick.”

In my quest for other mottos, I stumbled upon this blog entry, called “Small Town Sexy,” in which the author writes a pretty solid diatribe about what’s wrong with Starbucks and strip malls. (The relevance to my query is that he referenced a fictitious town in Kentucky and claimed its motto was, “No Cousin Shall Be Left Untouched.”)

Finally, I did the obvious and actually Googled “Home of the Courtesy Flush.” The top link was for a product called Courtesy Flush that people can discreetly carry with them, squirt in the toilet before they use it, and allegedly trap odors under the surface of the water. If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

I would have said that my favorite part of the Courtesy Flush site was the FAQ section, in which the question, “What happens if I accidentally get Courtesy Flush in my eyes?” made me laugh out loud… but then I discovered the testimonials, which are all variations on a common theme: “Thanks to you, my shit really *doesn’t* stink!”

I especially like Tanya K’s endorsement, which opens with, “We all have to share the bathroom at work and you cannot believe how much people stink it up. Sometimes, I don’t even want to go in there.” Oh Tanya, trust me, I *can* believe.

Further down on my Google results, I found a link to a site called Poop Report, which – because I have the maturity of a twelve year-old – I felt compelled to check out. I have to say that I was not disappointed. To tie back to the theme of this blog entry, let’s start with the site’s motto: Your #1 Source For Your #2 Business. And the sheer number of puns at play were astounding: The Captain’s Log, Travel Logs, The Pick-Up Fartist, Daisy Dooks, etc.

And don’t tell me I’m the only person snickering at these short story titles:

  1. I Just Had to Pee
  2. The Stall That Dumped Back
  3. Feek and Destroy
  4. Kickin’ It Old Stool

OK. I recognize that just days ago I clearly stated that bodily functions were NOT going to be part of this blog. I guess I should revise that. They’re way too ripe to completely omit. Besides, I really didn’t intend for an entry about mottos to end up in the bathroom. It was, as it turns out, something of an accident.

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