Tag Archives: This Old House

So this happened…

30 Aug

My house is 110 years old, so I expected to deal with some “things” when I took it on. Crooked walls and windows, fragile plaster, a dirt crawlspace, uneven floors, and rag-tag electrical that needed to be brought up to code. I had what I’d like to think were reasonable expectations.

One thing I had NOT baked in my equation: squirrels.

Yeah, I know, squirrels are everywhere. And when you have an enormous willow oak over your backyard, you’ll probably see a lot of them. Totally fair. But let me tell you where I wasn’t expecting to see one: IN MY LIVING ROOM.

That’s right. Tuesday I was upstairs working and I heard a noise downstairs. At first I thought that one of my Command Strips (velcro for hanging artwork without nails/holes) had broken loose and dropped a picture on the floor. But as I started down the stairs to investigate, I heard more noise. For an instant, I thought someone was trying to break into my house, and because I lean toward the “fight” instinct ready than the “flight” instinct, I went charging down the stairs at full tilt – only to arrive in my living room and see a terrified squirrel scrambling around the top half of my living room window, dashing itself against the glass in a bid to escape.

As soon as it saw me, it fell down the window and scrambled up into my fireplace, making it clear where it had arrived from. I took stock of the situation and decided that the best approach was to try to help it escape, so I opened the window it had been trying to use and removed the screen. (This was the most stressful part of the operation because I had two large spiders living between the glass and the screen, so I needed to relocate them without ending up with spiders in my house. I managed it, and then left the window open for the squirrel.

Instead of taking the invitation, however, the squirrel started scrambling around inside my fireplace. I assumed he had remembered how to climb and was reversing his way up the chimney, leaving from that direction. After a few minutes of upward-sound motion, it got quiet, so I assumed he escaped. To be sure, I decided to close off the fireplace. I broke down a cardboard box, taped it across the opening, then propped my cast iron fireplace tools against it for reinforcement.

I then took on the nasty task of cleaning up squirrel scat. Because that squirrel, in its panic to escape from my house, had absolutely shit its brains out. And then stomped in it. And tracked poopy paw prints from the fireplace to the window, across the windowsill, up both sides of the window frame and even on the glass. It was a literal shit-show.

I’m pretty picky about cleanliness, so it took a good hour to wash everything down and then disinfect it with Lysol. As soon as I was done, I called a chimney company and scheduled them to come out on Saturday to check all my chimneys and cap them to ensure this never happened again.

Except it did.

The very next day.

It was 4pm Wednesday and I was upstairs in my office on a video call with a client. Halfway through the call, I heard a noise downstairs. I tried to remain focused on my client, but I couldn’t help but wonder: was the squirrel back?

I tried to reassure myself that what I was hearing was simply the tape releasing on the box as it had time to relax. But then I heard a little bit more. “Do you mind if I put you on a hold for a second?” I asked my client. “I have a situation I need to investigate.”

I ran downstairs, and sure enough, the squirrel had punched the box loose and was halfway up my window again. Apparently it did NOT climb its way out the night before, but had instead been lurking in my fireplace, waiting for another escape attempt!

As soon as it saw me, it ran back up into the fireplace, just as it had the day before. I replaced the box, flipped my coffee table on its side and pushed it against the box to ensure that the squirrel wouldn’t break loose again while I was on my call, and then I went back upstairs to finish my coaching session.

“Oh sorry about that,” I explained. “As feared, I have a squirrel in my living room.”

To her credit, my client took that in stride. Though it also makes me wonder if this seems like the type of person I am – the type who just regularly has a squirrel in her house?

As soon as the call ended, I called ASAP Critter Removal to see if they could send someone, and then headed back downstairs to try to remedy the situation myself. I decided to double-down on the idea of giving it an escape route, so I opened the window and lined up my coffee table (still on its side), a large box and a few other items to help “corral” the squirrel toward its preferred exit path. I then loosened the tape on the box covering the fireplace, and waited.

It felt like the squirrel and I were in a standoff, so I decided to recreate the prior conditions and go upstairs so it would have its space to come out, unthreatened. It was so hard sitting upstairs, listening for sounds of a squirrel. But finally, I heard what sounded like the scramble of a rodent. And then I definitely heard the sound of a squirrel trying desperately to get itself up the window.

Curious to know what was happening, but not wanting to scare the thing back up into the fireplace, I gingerly made my way down two stairs, where I could sit and observe without interfering. What I saw confirmed that squirrels are not very smart. The squirrel was, in fact, trying to go out the window. But instead of running out the open part at the bottom, it had again scaled the entire window and was throwing itself madly at the top half of the glass.

Channeling all the patience of a fisherman, who knows that waiting is the game, I stayed on the stairs, watching. Finally, my patience paid off. The squirrel lost its grip and with a cartoonishly squeaky sound, slid down the pane, landing on the windowsill, where it finally noticed it could escape. It sat there for a beat too long, apparently trying to decide if it could make the jump, so that’s when I lost my patience and came charging down the stairs, scaring it through the window and out onto the sidewalk.

And wouldn’t you know, that squirrel sat there chirping and scolding me for at least minute, as if I had some how wronged it, not saved it? The nerve.

I quickly closed the window, initiated my cleaning protocols for the second day in a row (this squirrel might not have eaten for 24 hours, but it still had plenty of excrement to handle), and then – just to be safe – re-barricaded the fireplace, this time with a large, tight-fitting screen and a table.

About this time, I got a text back from ASAP Critter Removal, telling me they could have someone out to me in 45 minutes.

“I think I just handled it,” I wrote back.

“Do you want us to come out and check your chimneys for you? We could do Friday at 5pm?”

I explained that I already had a chimney company coming out on Saturday, and that I was hosting a dinner on Friday night.

Their sign-off/advice, “Cool. Sounds fun. Go nuts!”

That cracked me up, but it’s likely I’m just slap-happy since this is the third time in two weeks I’ve had an animal hanging in my window, crapping itself. Good times. Or as they apparently say in Richmond, “Go nuts!”

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In which my house almost became a landmark…

15 Mar
Photo by Deon Black: https://www.pexels.com/photo/blue-denim-jeans-on-the-table-6376544/ Banana hanging out of the fly of a pair of jeans as if it is a penis

One thing that attracted me to Richmond: its arts scene. VCU is just down the street from me and it’s ranked among the top 5 fine arts schools in the United States. One way this spills out into the community is through murals. I’m not sure what the official count is, but the downtown development district alone boasts at least 150.

So imagine my excitement when, after only a few weeks in my house, someone slid an envelope through my mail-slot, asking if I’d have any interest in letting an artist put a mural on the side of my row house. (I’m on the end of the block and have a good-sized two-story brick surface.) The artist organizing this project was actually not looking to do the work himself, but is trying to create something of an exchange program with foreign artists – bringing them here to diversify our arts scene, and in turn creating opportunities for Richmond artists to leave their mark abroad. Cool, right?

I was really impressed by the thought the organizer has given the project. In the initial letter he presented three different options for supporting the project: 1) Offering up your wall as a venue; 2) Offering your wall + $2k to cover the cost of materials and a lift; 3) Sponsoring the artist with $10k so they would be compensated for their efforts. I responded by letting him know that I’d be open to having a mural on the side of my house and I’d be willing to cover costs, but I was not at a full sponsorship level of patronage because I’m, uh, a bit broke after buying a house. He was cool with that and excited that I was up for a mural.

I’m a planner, so I asked, “What’s the process for reviewing/approving the design? Would I get to suggest themes or choose from artists, or how does this work?” He explained that you only get those privileges at the $10k sponsorship level (fair enough – he’s found a meaningful incentive for full sponsorship).

I followed up by asking if I would at least get to see/approve the image before it goes on my house. In my mind, I was imagining someone having free rein and painting an enormous penis on my house, but I didn’t tell him that because I didn’t want to seed any ideas. PERHAPS, he offered. It would depend on the artist. The artist might be someone who is inspired by the act of painting itself and changes designs on the fly, so I couldn’t necessarily count on it.

That prompted me to pause and consider: as a big-time control freak, might it be sort of a bucket-list item to cede control over something this big? To just give someone carte blanche to paint on the side of my house – as long as I generally liked their portfolio? When I shared this with Alan, his answer was immediate. “Absolutely not.” He looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s your HOUSE. You’re not going to let someone just paint whatever they want on your HOUSE. You won’t even let someone other than you caulk your bathtub. Are you serious?”

Fair point. But I was enjoying the idea of being Alison 2.0 who supported the arts and let someone indulge their muse… until the organizer emailed me with good news. “I’ve got an artist coming to town and we think your house would be perfect for him. He’s in NYC now, but will be here within a week. Are you still interested?”

Gulp. I was excited and nervous. Who was the artist? What did he want to paint? Any chance it would be something related to a cause I’m passionate about – like reproductive rights, BLM, the environment, banned books? The organizer wasn’t sure, but he provided me with a link to the artist’s previous work in Europe so I could get a sense of his style and prior projects. I checked him out and was intrigued. His style was interesting. The subject matter didn’t necessarily resonate for me (oversized people doing different things) but it was still cool. There were one or two abstract images that could possibly be interpreted as being a wee bit phallic, however, so I decided that I wouldn’t feel comfortable moving forward without seeing a sketch.

“I mean, it’s not as permanent as a tattoo, but it’s also a lot more expensive than a haircut, so if I don’t like it, I won’t have to live with it forever, but it will be up there long enough that my house could become a landmark known as ‘The Big Dick’ or something,” I explained to a friend.

“You’re being ridiculous,” she laughed.

I waited on pins and needles for a few days, hoping the artist would be able to provide a sketch. Finally, Sunday evening, he came through. I’d like to post a copy of the image, but I don’t want to violate his copyright, so I’ll do my best to describe it:

Imagine a cartoon man with his back to you, arms and legs out as if mid-jumping jack. He is up against what appears to be an open window. His face is turned to the side, mouth open as if – just speculating here – orgasmic. Oh, and he is completely naked, with a small but very obvious penis pointing down between his legs right in the middle of the frame. I mean, there was nothing ABSTRACT about it. The penis even had a SHADOW.

TLDR: It would like two-story naked cartoon man humping my house.

I imagined my neighbors’ reactions as they watched it going up. I haven’t even had a chance to meet all of them yet, and I’m pretty sure this would NOT be a friend-maker. More like a slow-motion smile turning to horror as they realized I’ve conscripted our entire block to a terrible nickname. “What’s next?” I imagined them asking, “Is she going to add a ‘Tiny Dick Alley’ street sign to the side of her carport?”

I forwarded the image to Alan, whose response was, “Seriously? Are they roasting you? This can’t be real, right?” (To his credit, he didn’t use this as an “I told you so moment.”)

I responded to the project coordinator and said, “Thanks, but I’m going to pass. Hope you find a home for this guy in the Fan because I think it would be fun to have a ‘humping man’ somewhere in Richmond.”

To which he corrected me. “He’s not humping. More like skydiving on an empty picture frame.”

TomAto, ToMahto. There would still be a very visible, embarrassingly small cartoon penis on my house. I’m excited to be part of this neighborhood, but I don’t need my house to become an unfortunate landmark.

“Well look on the bright side,” my friend offered, still trying to get me to make a very bad decision, “It would be easy to give people directions to your house – they wouldn’t even need to know your house number!”

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BOOM! Nailed it?!

7 Mar

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I moved into my new place in December. I’ve been so focused on getting the inside in order that I’ve straight-up ignored the small backyard, which was a big draw for living in The Fan – the row houses have yards, but they are generally small enough that there’s no lawn to mow – just enough space to work or eat outside on a nice day.

We’ve had an unseasonable streak of warm weather over the last month, which means I’ve been logging a LOT of hours on my front porch swing. I’m loving it, but I’m also worried that my next door neighbors (whose porch is connected to mine) think I’ve deputized myself as part of Neighborhood Watch because they can’t come or go without being seen by me. I sometimes even have a pair of binoculars so I can check out the crows or errant hawk on the street, and I’m sure that’s doing little to dispel any rumors that are forming about me.

All of which is to say: this last week I decided to start getting my back patio in order so I can spend time there (more privately) and give my neighbors some breathing room. First step was to order a dining table and chairs (pictured above, without seat cushions or umbrella). Second step was to install a grill (also pictured above), which Alan graciously gave me as a housewarming gift.

Alan knows me well, so rather than surprise me (always a terrible move for this control freak) we had some discussions about what requirements I’d have for a grill. My list was fairly specific: small so it doesn’t take up a ton of space (I’m never going to be cranking out dozens of burgers for a block party); propane so I can cook on it without a lot of fuss if I ever lose power; and at least one shelf and a warming rack. I would’ve been fine with a NoName grill, but Alan was insistent that it be a Weber. So this last weekend he showed up with a charming two-burner Weber grill – disassembled in a box.

Hold up. I did not realize grills required assembly. “Part of my gift is assembling it for you,” Alan said. (He’s owned grills before, so this was not a surprise to him.)

“Nah,” I told him, “I’ll do that. You know I like building things.” (Which is true – I view Ikea furniture as an adult Lego kit.) Alan knows that arguing with me is generally futile when I’ve made up my mind, so he offered to do it next weekend if I didn’t get around to it – a graceful compromise that allowed me take a stab at it or shelf it for him, depending on how I felt.

When Alan left for his property Sunday morning, the weather was great for an outdoor project, so I decided to tackle the job. I opened the box and started pulling parts and parts and parts out. It felt like a set of infinite Russian nesting dolls, where every time I thought I’d pulled the last possible item out of the box, I’d find that there was a box in a box that contained even more parts.

Once I had everything unpacked and spread out, I realized this was not at all the job I thought I’d signed up for. I had assumed the “assembly” would basically entail building a stand, and then plunking the already put-together grill on top of it. I started to get super concerned when I saw random wires dangling. Oh shit – do I need an electrician?

But then I did what I usually do when facing a new challenge:

  • Estimate what % of the population probably wouldn’t be able to complete it at all: 20%?
  • Come up with a reasonable target completion timeline: 4 hrs?
  • Start the task with a goal of beating both these statistics

Have I mentioned that I’m competitive?

Two hours and 20 minutes later, I dropped my screwdriver with the finality of a cooking show contestant raising their hands to show that they had completed the dish right under the wire. I imagined my competitors, only half-way done. I stepped back and beheld my sweet grill, all shiny and ready to go. It was like my childhood erector set, except instead of a little go-cart that steered itself in endless circles, I was now in possession of of an actual, functional fire-starter.

Well, functional is perhaps over-stating it a bit. The grill LOOKS great, but I haven’t lit it yet. I still need to pick up a tank of propane so I can perform the final test. But I’m not worried. The instructions – all 48 steps – were easy to follow. Pressing the starter button this weekend is just going to be a formality.

Though perhaps in this instance, I’ll hold off on my usual mic-drop declaration for a finished job. No sense tempting fate.

—

FOOTNOTE: When I shared this triumph via text with my mom, she wrote, “I’m very impressed with your technical abilities. Dad taught you girls well.” And he did! They both did! I am so fortunate to have grown up in a house where gender roles didn’t rule supreme, where my dad always invited us to spend time at his workbench, where my mom would start tasks without needing to solve beyond the next step, and where I was taught that anything could be done with enough patience, research, muscle or ingenuity. Is it any surprise that when a huge box showed up in my kitchen, my first response was to set a timer and get to work?

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This (Scary?) Old House

21 Feb

Last Halloween I bought a new (old) house in Richmond, VA. By row house standards, it’s small (3 BR, 2BA, around 2000sf) but since I’m coming from 20+ years of condo-living in DC, it feels huge for one person. It might technically only be one bedroom larger than what I left, but it’s more than twice the square footage. It’s also a bit intimidating to move from a low maintenance condo to a 110 year old house that still has the original coal-burning fireplaces and a dirt crawlspace in the basement. But I’m adjusting.

Because it’s so old, what should be small projects end up turning into Projects with a capital P that take twice as long as they should, due to unforeseen complications. We had a string of unseasonably warm days (we’re talking 70s in February!) so I decided it was time to get the screens out of the basement and pop them into the windows so I could get some fresh air in here. Simple, right?

Wrong.

First, the screens needed to be washed because they had cobwebs and old leaves stuck to them (presumably from when they were taken down last fall). I dragged them into my backyard (yes! I have outdoor space now, which was one of my big reasons for wanting to move!) to hose them down. I lined them up against the fence, stretched out the hose, and turned on the spigot – and NOTHING. Nary a drop of water.

I checked the valve in the basement where I had turned off the water during a cold snap to keep my pipes from freezing: it was open, and yet, there was no water flowing. Head scratcher. (I’ve since googled it and it sounds like maybe I need the aerator replaced inside the faucet?) Who knows? I guess my plumber will be able to afford his vacation after all!

I didn’t feel like wasting time, so I grabbed the screens and dragged them into my downstairs shower. (A side note: in this house, all the bedrooms are upstairs, along with a full bath. On the main level, I have a kitchen, living room, dining room and a bathroom with a shower. I couldn’t think of any situation in which a main level shower made sense – except as a back-up – until I needed to hose down these screens.)

Once the screens were cleaned, the next task was matching them to the correct windows. No two windows in this house are the same size, although most of them look like they would be. It felt like one of those toddler games where you have to push a specific shape through the matching hole. Except I was running around my house with 16 rectangular screens.

By this point, I hope you’re starting to understand the “complications” I mentioned earlier. Nothing is straight-forward.

Now for the actual POINT of this story. (I know, sorry it took so long to get here…)

For some reason, there was a ton of dirt caked on the sill just outside each window. It would’ve technically been inside the screen/my house if I didn’t clean it, so each time I installed a screen, I would first open the window (from inside) and wash out the frame.

When I was installing one of the screens in my upstairs office window, in addition to the regular dirt, there were also leaves stuck to the top edge of the frame, connected by a few cobwebs. I took my rag and went to wipe them out – and ended up in a horror film.

Apparently a spider and her very fruitful egg sac were lurking underneath one of those leaves, because as soon as I dislodged it, there was an explosion of spider babies every where – blowing in through the window, scurrying across the windowsill, dropping to the sidewalk below. Reader, I screamed. Spiders freak me out. I’ve gotten to a place where I usually try to relocate them rather than kill them – but that’s when I’m faced with ONE spider, and that’s assuming he’s not a fast-moving spider.

In this case (and I’m not proud of myself), I just started smacking as fast as I could, playing whack-a-mole to kill as many spiders as possible so they wouldn’t run straight into my house. Fortunately, I was wearing gardening gloves, which gave me a bit more bravery than I would’ve had bare-handed.

My assault on those poor spiders was probably the equivalent of an Air Arachnid flight going down in terms of body count. But even more disturbing (at least to me) were those that I missed. How many spiders were there? For the rest of the night I kept scratching at my head, convinced that stray baby spiders had found their way into my hair.

I’m beginning to think that buying a house on Halloween might have been an omen. Oops.

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