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Lessons: It’s not clever if it’s offensive.

5 Nov

Wednesday I stopped in Walgreen’s to pick up an Iced Tea to take back to my hotel room. (I was in Chicago for work.) As I approached the counter, I saw two clerks making fairly broad hand gestures at each other.

“What’s this? A sign language lesson?” I asked with a smirk, thinking myself witty for teasing them.

And that’s when the male clerk spoke in a voice that clearly identified him as hearing-impaired. “Yes,” he said. “I’m teaching her to sign.” His hands moved as he talked. My smirk disappeared.

The other clerk, an Asian girl, smiled. “He was just teaching me to say ‘thank you.'” She showed me.

I looked at the guy so he could see my lips. “The only sign language I know is this…” and I started signing the alphabet, which I had picked up off a bookmark in the sixth grade.

He nodded encouragingly and smiled. “That is very good!”

I felt a flush of pride – even though it was only the alphabet, I was glad I could establish some common ground to show that I wasn’t a complete ass.

After I finished paying, I grabbed my bag, then freed up my hands. “Is this how it goes?” I asked, making the gesture for “thank you” to them.

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Overheard: Chevy is still alive.

2 Nov

Walking home from a networking event in Chicago tonight, I passed a couple guys standing in front of a bar smoking. (I’m not sure if they were waiting for a cab or if Chicago has a smoking ban in restaurants and bars like DC does. I’m thinking it’s the latter since I never smell smoke in restaurants here. Go Chicago!)

Anyway, they were clearly discussing an upcoming car purchase, but their conversation wasn’t what I would expect:

Guy #1: So I’m definitely getting a Chevy.

Guy #2: A Camaro? Because those are awesome.

Guy #1: Yeah, that or a van.

Guy #2 is silent.

I wonder if Chevy realizes the two demographics overlap so much. I’m not sure I’ve nailed it with this Venn Diagram, but it still seems like something that should be titled, “Vehicles a 16-Year-Old Girl Should Avoid.”

And then, my clever sister helped flesh it out a bit more…

I’d like to point out that she labeled her Venn Diagram file simply, “AVOID.”

And – breaking news – here’s a second interpretation from her:

You be the judge: which one do you think is most logical?

(In so far as logic can be applied to kidnappers, midlife crisis, and two otherwise incompatible Chevy vehicles, that is.)

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An epiphany on the potter’s wheel.

12 Oct

I’ve always thought I might enjoy pottery, so when a space opened up at Hinckley Pottery – a few blocks from my house – I decided to give it a go. I’ve now had three classes, and have thrown six bowls, trimmed four and am about to fire my fire few so I can glaze them.

Everyone assumes it’s therapeutic, but I think you have to get good at it before that’s the case. (People say that about yoga too, and I’d give the same response.) Actually – now that I think about it, perhaps it IS therapeutic and I’m just too competitive to achieve that zen-like state. (Same for yoga.)

Let’s just say, when it comes to a pedal (be it on a car, a  sewing machine or a potter’s wheel), I know only one speed: FLOORED.

Whenever the teacher walks by me, she’s like, “Alison, I think you might want to slow your wheel down a bit.”

And I turn it down until she’s past me – then floor it again. Because at that pace, I can make twice as many bowls as my classmates in two hours.

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You would see, the perfect gift would be from me…

24 Sep

Since I moved into my new place three months ago, I’ve had only one complaint: my upstairs neighbors charge around like water buffaloes at all hours of the night, squeaking the floorboards above my bed to such an extent that I’ve developed insomnia.

I’ll skip the back-story (mainly because it’s boring), but a few weeks ago we invited said-neighbors down for a glass of wine with the hopes of having a friendly discussion about their floor.

Somehow, one glass of wine turned into several bottles, and my couch turned into a confessional for my neighbors (two gay men who are partners in their early 40s). They started opening sentences with, “You don’t know this about me, but…”

By far, the best admission of the night was when Jude revealed that he had not only dated women in his not-so-distant past, but also then went on to profess his skill at (and enjoyment of) certain decidedly STRAIGHT sexual activities.

They were also into astrology, so we learned that Michael is a Pisces and Jude is a Cancer. Now if only Jude had proclaimed himself to be a paleontologist. I think I could’ve surprised him with the perfect birthday present:

Somehow, I think that if Jude started sporting that shirt, I might only have to tolerate ONE set of footsteps above me each night. On second thought, it’s not a BAD plan, even if he’s not into dinosaurs.

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Staycation – Day One: Shhhh… this is a library!

14 Sep

So my post yesterday was about a real, live negotiation that I thought went rather poorly because I had a fifty year old woman screaming at me for 45 minutes. Apparently the universe wanted to help me put it in perspective, because today I got to witness a REAL difference of opinion. At the library, nonetheless.

Today is Day One of my Staycation.

(Long story short, I’ve only taken six days off this year and my stress level is through the roof, so I decided to take four days off to recharge my batteries. Alas, having bought, furnished and decorated a place over the last three months, I’m not exactly rolling in cash for a vacation, so I decided to keep it local and do my favorite things. All at once. Like I’m a one-man-vacation-band of sorts.)

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